It's the little things that we do that mean anything

2009-07-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

I can feel my life getting more destroyed by the day.

2009-05-03T05:15:00.000-07:00

What a good night.

And I still think you're great.

Please

2009-04-29T11:35:00.001-07:00

Get out of my head.

2009-04-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

When did we stop talking about things like adults? If you feel something (or don't) just let me know.

Chopped

2009-04-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

You like?

2009-04-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

Every thought, a thought of you.

Thoughts for the moment

2009-04-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

I love getting high and doing some serious jamming to My Morning Jacket. I could sit there for two hours straight just listening to them and not move once. It's fantastic.

I hate when people ask me, "How have you been?" or "How are you?" all the time. I know its just a simple pleasantry and all, but I always feel like I'm lying when I say "I'm good."

I love Skype

2009-04-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

He is the cutest thing I've seen in a while. I've been smiling all night and all day.

On another note, Lindsey is 21 today. Happy Birthday, I love you!

2009-04-07T07:40:00.001-07:00

I hate that I'm writing about this again, but it's like he follows me around like a ghost.

Everywhere I go, whatever I do, he is there. His voice is in my ears, his car is driving past me, he's calling. I am conscious of him the entire 24 hours of the day, even the hours when I'm asleep. I can't escape him. He's like some sort of permanent imprint on my life, this sad nagging feeling that won't ever go away; That desperate feeling of wanting to know something, anything, about him now. He is the first thought in my head, the last right before I sleep. He's there when I am with someone else. He's there when I'm walking to class, when I'm driving my car, when I do anything.

He's here now, and I wish he wasn't. He's all that is motivating me and holding me back all at the same time.

You think it gets easier when someone is gone? No, it doesn't get easier. It's been 18 months and I just miss him even more now. It gets so much harder. More time passes, the people you once knew and loved are moving on with their life, changing everything, discovering new things about themselves, doing unbelievable things, while you are left here to think about all of it, all you are missing. All of the distance there is today, and how much more distance will be there tomorrow. Every day is worse than the day before it. You never stop loving someone, not for one minute. You can cry, or laugh, or pretend you have moved on all you damn well please. You can date around, you can party, you can surround yourself with the most attractive people, best friends, and supportive family. You can meet new people every day, have relationships with them, live the best days of your youth just being carefree. But you will still never stop loving them. Not for a single second. And you will never stop wondering "what if?" That question will haunt you for the rest of your life. I guarantee it.

2009-04-03T06:22:00.001-07:00

To change our situations, we must first change our mindset.

2009-04-01T05:37:00.000-07:00

One little song

Give me strength to leave the sad and the wrong

Buried safely in the past where I've been living

Alive, but unforgiving

Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

2009-03-30T09:44:00.001-07:00

It's not all too fun when you realize that the feelings you have for someone who is kind of shitty are still there. Not only still there, but strong. I hate it. In the last 48 hours I've been trying to talk myself out of it. I don't know why in the hell I still want him. But for the very first time after Johnny, the very first time after I was madly, deeply, 100% head over heels in love, I feel something truly real for someone else. I didn't think it was possible, but apparently it is. I'm not sure what to do about the whole thing, because it obviously isn't going anywhere and hasn't been since December. I just wish he could see the potential of what could be. I would love nothing more than to be a girlfriend again. I think it's the best thing I do. I know how to take care of someone. I just keep thinking back to when Johnny and I were together. I remember that being the best relationship I've ever had, and it will probably always be. But I know I can start over again with someone new. It's entirely possible to put everything else aside and go full force with the relationship, for the first time in a year and a half. I'm ready.

The problem is, the only person in the world I can think of that I'd be willing to be with at all, is cold, uninterested and generally kind of a jerk. I don't know what I should do. I guess in this situation you can't do anything; you just have to keep doing what you're doing and hope one day either this situation changes or someone else comes along.

Even if we're never together, the simple fact I could open myself up to someone after being sad for so long is kind of terrifying. The fact that someone else has access to my heart and emotions and can hurt me at any time is so fucking scary to me. I never want to go through that again. I need to keep my distance from him but it's really hard to.

Don't ever take for granted for one second the things you have. Don't think that they will be there tomorrow, because that's what I thought and I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't do anything to ruin it. Keep it as long as you can.

2009-03-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

I want to live life duty free
Let my instincts take the lead
I want to take what I can get
Don’t want to choose don’t want to bet
I want down from this family tree
I don’t need no upward mobility

I want to unlearn what I’ve learned
Want to unearn what I’ve earned
Want to burn my bridges down
Find a place I can’t be found
This is my manifesto destiny
Tear down this awkward mobility

Because I’m tired of standing upright
The taller we become the more dollars we can grab from that highest branch
And then step on your back given the chance
But not me, I’m a bipedal backpedaler just as sure footed as I can

I’m no high society man
No suit and tie, no daper Dan
I’m no happy family man
I’m no husband, ain’t no dad
I’m a God damn caveman
This upward mobility is more than I can understand

I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it
I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it
I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it

I’d rather be on hands and knees
Yeah I’d rather be swinging in the trees
With the monkeys and the junkies and bums and slobs and jailbird canaries
Yeah that’s me, I’m a bipedal backpedaler from sea to shining sea

Bonnaroo Band #6

2009-03-23T21:19:00.001-07:00

2009-03-13T02:13:00.001-07:00

Why do things have to be so damn difficult?

Love

2009-03-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

I can't stress enough how much I love my friends. Sometimes I will be by myself driving or sitting around not doing much, and just start thinking about how awesome it is to know such amazing people. Seriously, if I wasn't surrounded with such intelligent, funny, caring, forgiving, beautiful, and all around great girls, I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that I wouldn't be the same me I am today. I am so fortunate and grateful to know the people I know, and to have such amazing best friends who mean the absolute world to me.

Thank you for sticking it out with me through the tough times, the times when I may have been shitty, the times I've been upset, the times when I should have been a better friend. It's been a hell of a year for me and I can't thank all of you enough who have stuck by me throughout it all. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't come without arguments, emotional setbacks, and overall difficult times. But I know that things are getting better and I'm getting better. I know I am a good person with good intentions, I just get lost at times. I love all of you and always will, and I know we will be friends for the rest of our lives regardless of what may happen.

2009-03-04T20:29:00.001-08:00

I am so fucking aggravated right now, I couldn't even begin to explain why without throwing my computer straight across the room, smashing it into a million pieces.

Quick update/Bonnaroo Band #5

2009-03-03T11:24:00.001-08:00

So, there is this boy I've been talking to for quite some time now online, probably close to about a year this April and I can't wait to meet him. He is funny, cute, in school, gets me, easy to talk to, and awesome which are all important things to me. I'm not entirely sure why we haven't met in person yet. He live in Clifton and goes to DAAP. Things have been so busy for the both of us when school is in, and when it isn't in, he's at home in Pennsylvania. But I'm really hoping we can work something out really soon. My spring break is next week and when he has his break and everything calms down and we both have down time, we can find some time to hang out. I've never wanted to meet someone so badly. Mainly because he is such a mystery to me, and it will be great to be able to talk in person and know he really exists.

Anyway, I did AWESOME on one of my midterm exams today. I've got two more Thursday and Friday, Biology homework due Friday and I'm about to kick all of their asses. Lindsey, hurry up and come to NKU so we can study together and hang out every day, please and thank you.

I'm sure I will have more interesting updates during/after spring break.

Bonnaroo Band #5 - Jenny Lewis

I don't really need to say much else. Everyone knows and loves her. How could you not? She is beautiful and has a beautiful voice. This time she's coming back to the Roo sans Rilo Kiley and on her own. I can't wait.

2009-03-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

I spent the best years of my life
Waiting on the best years of my life
So what's there to write about?
What have I done?
What have I done?
So is this my destiny?
From starlight into eternity
The gods must be laughing down at me
A traveling salesmen at twenty years old
Stranded in Ann Arbor with a flat tire
And I watch the sun sadly set
Any younger, I may have wept
Much older, I wouldn't notice
But I was out there in the world
Yeah, then the world, it passed me by
I was telling everyone back home
That I was taking it by storm
Instead, I watched it from the roadside
What have I done?
What have I done?

2009-02-26T13:39:00.001-08:00

But my heart is a house

Will you come and move in

Leave a space for us to give

Moving out/Bonnaroo Band #4

2009-02-23T16:28:00.000-08:00

Although the exact location and exact time is not entirely planned out just yet, Lindsey and I have been looking at apartment ideas lately so we can move out in the summer before the Fall semester. I'm excited that this might actually happen for a few reasons. Main reason is that I can get out of here for a while and be on my own. Maybe the new environment change will be more positive and helpful than I may think. I'm hoping to be less stressed out, do better in school, meet new people, deal with my depression and maybe get rid of it, and hang out with my best friend all the time! I know my Mom is going to be against this, and I was planning on waiting until I graduated to move out, but I don't know if I can wait two+ more years. This is something I've been thinking about for the last year or two, just haven't had the job or income to support it. Now that I'm about to be working I feel like I could afford this. Moving out is something I feel like I need to do right now, even if I end up moving back home in a year. Even for 12-24 months, I feel like this needs to happen now. I need a change of scenery, a change of routine, and I don't mind the money I will have to spend that I could be saving. I think it's going to end up being beneficial in the long run.

I've started writing again. I write in this all the time, but I mean writing down ideas, stories, things that struck me and stood out in my day, etc. It's a good outlet for me, and maybe one day these will be of use.

Okay, time for Bonnaroo band #4. I am most excited for them because being one of my favorite bands, I still haven't seen them live. I opted not to at Bonnaroo 2007 and I think it was a big mistake on my part. I will not miss them again.

Wilco - "Impossible Germany"

2009-02-22T22:50:00.000-08:00

You always were an asset

You never were a drawback
No you weren't

Put away your corset, put away your shoe
Put away the old September blues

do you remember our last summer as independents?

2009-02-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

Ben Folds was great as always. The venue sucked and it was not nearly as much fun as Bonnaroo, but he rocks the piano no matter where he is.

I got a job finally. Way long overdue, I know. But I needed the break to get my shit together. In my emotional screwed up state I would have cracked under the pressure of working and going to school full time, and trying to deal with all the post-breakup mess. But now I'm back into the swing of things, ready to make and save some money so I can get an apartment in a year. But anyway, I start out $11.25/hr, plus $0.40 a mile to drive. Probably around 20 hours a week. I also make my own schedule and work whenever I want. I'm happy about it.

I pre-ordered Cursive's new album, and I can't wait to hear it. I've been spending a lot of money lately but I don't mind. Now that I have a job I really don't mind. I've got the money to spend so, I'm going to buy what I want. I get a new package delivered like every day, or come home with a bag from an apparel store. My mom called me Rockefeller yesterday. She's funny.

Is it time for this yet?

"It's okay, you don't have to pay. I've got all the change"

2009-02-18T06:48:00.000-08:00

So, I'm in the market to buy a new car. I think I'm in the process of finding a job finally, in this black hole we call a recession. I found a nice used 2007 Nissan Sentra for only around $9,800, and the mileage is decent. I don't know, this was a decision that I made on a whim last night, but I'm going to need a new car eventually. Even though Toyotas last forever, my car is slowly but surely falling apart one piece at a time. It would just be pointless for me to put any money into a 1996 Corolla when the damn thing only cost me $3,500 to begin with, and was wrecked before I got it and has since been wrecked. I'm not going to get much from it, probably $1,000 if I'm lucky, but I think this is a good decision. It's the perfect time to buy a car right now because the economy is so crappy. Maybe I can wait for one of these little dealerships to go out of business and sell me this car for practically nothing. We'll see. Anyway...

See you tomorrow!!!

2009-02-15T16:44:00.001-08:00

In one week, I'm going to be the proud owner of these Betsey Johnson slingback wedges, estimated cost around $250. Getting them for a fifth of the price. I have never been more excited for a pair of shoes before.

God I'm going to be hot this summer.

To you, wherever you are.

2009-02-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

"Random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2009. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."

In two days, it will be a year since we were last together. It feels like a long time has passed, but in the grand scheme of things, it really hasn't been. I guess I can say it's been getting easier. I don't know, it's so hard to tell anymore. It all sort of just blurs together in some continuous form of missing you and trying to move on. I just occupy my time when I can't get the thought of you out of my head. I wonder if you miss me. Maybe not. Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing has changed for me, although I am older and I think a bit wiser. I have good days, and I have terrible days. Sometimes it's nice to spend time by myself, other times I cannot bear to be alone. But right now I'm okay. It's not one of those cliche "I am so heartbroken because it's Valentine's day" sort of things, I just keep thinking about Valentine's day last year and the year before. I don't know, it was nice. I've never been loved before you, so I'll probably still feel this way on Valentine's day 2010.

I don't have anyone, and I'm okay with being alone. There are so many things I want to tell you, so much good music to share, so many movies to talk about, a book that I've read that I think you might like. That's probably the worst part of it all... Losing my best friend. I couldn't talk to anyone the way I talked to you. It isn't the same. Things aren't the same. I've been looking at the world very differently since you left, and I don't know if it's in a good or bad way. It's probably good. I try not to be so negative all the time. I am still very sad but, I think I can either keep going with my head high, or just keep going and be miserable. I'm working on the former, but we'll see. Days have been easier, especially lately. For no particular reason either. I haven't met anyone, I don't like anyone, I don't really know what it is. Nothing spectacular has happened.

I guess that's how it always is. It gets easier, but you never really forget. I don't think you ever stop missing someone.

Bonnaroo Band #3

2009-02-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

I have nothing to say today.

The Decemberists - "Engine Driver"

Day 1

2009-02-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

Since I'm getting impatient and tend to get sidetracked on the weekends from hanging out with friends and occassionally drinking, or going out to eat and being tempted, I'm starting a semi-crash diet today. I know they are unhealthy so I don't even want to hear anything anyone has to say about it, but I'm an overall healthy, tiny bit overweight, 20 year old. It's not like I weigh 300 pounds and have high blood pressure and heart problems. This diet shouldn't do too much damage, but rather let me drop around 20-30 pounds by the end of May which is my ultimate goal. I need to look good for Bonnaroo/bikini season/my 21st birthday this summer. I think if I just lose some weight in a short amount of time it'll really improve my morale, so I'm doing it whether anyone likes it or not.

Day one. Starting weight as of noon today (yeah, I'm not going to be shy): 166 pounds. Goal: 130 pounds. So 25-35 pounds in four to five months.

Anyway, I'm getting a haircut the first week of April. Any ideas on how I should get it done?

Slumdog/Bonnaroo Band #2/Random

2009-02-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

Slumdog Millionaire was really good. I'm now having an even harder time deciding what is going to win. I haven't seen Frost/Nixon yet, and I would love for The Reader to win, but for best picture I think The Curious Case of Benjamin Button has this in the bag. Milk was good, but I don't know if it's as good as the others. I love Oscar time. I love movies.

I woke up at 11:50 AM so I could buy my Bonnaroo ticket since they went on sale today at noon. Totally got it. If I can't go I'll just sell it. But I have every intention to be arriving on that beautiful 750 acre farm in Manchester, Tennessee on June 11th for the third time.

Speaking of Bonnaroo, here is band #2 (and these are in no particular order, I just randomly choose a band and a good song).

MGMT - "Pieces Of What" (probably my favorite MGMT song)

They were there last year in 08, and played directly after Superdrag but we missed them due to having to go back to our campsite to eat/set the rest of our stuff up. I will not miss them this year. I have some sort of unhealthy obsession with Andrew VanWyngarden and I need to see him in the flesh before my life can be complete. Kidding... But not really kidding.

I'm very excited about this year's Bonnaroo and I've said it about a million times, but I honestly can't think of anything I'm more excited about. My 21st birthday doesn't even top it. This year I'm hoping Ashleigh and Geoff come with us so we can have a huge campsite and even more people to party with us. Hopefully!

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after I graduate and stuff, and I can't think of one thing at NKU that completely 100% interests me. I'd love to go to film school or culinary school more than anything, but I just don't have the money or the means to move somewhere and go. It's very sad when the amount of money you have can alter your life dreams, goals, and passions. Very sad.

Bonnaroo Band #1: Of Montreal

2009-02-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start posting a video of a band at Bonnaroo periodically until June 11th. In total, I'll probably post around 30 bands, because I'm sure they will be adding more of my favorites in the next few months.

Today's video: Of Montreal - An Eluardian Instance

ROO 09

2009-02-03T02:11:00.000-08:00

Okay so, Lindsey and I checked out the lineup as soon as it hit midnight. Our luck it was put up immediately. They will be adding way more bands I'm sure, but here are the ones that we are the most excited about:

The Beastie Boys
Wilco
Elvis Costello
Ben Harper and Relentless 7
The Mars Volta
TV on the Radio
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Band Of Horses
MGMT
The Decemberists
Girl Talk
Bon Iver
Of Montreal
Animal Collective
Jenny Lewis
Okkervil River
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Portugal The Man
A.A. Bondy

And more will be announced! COME ON MY MORNING JACKET, GET IN ON THIS!

In other news: classes are going great so far, I'm losing weight, spring is on its way, and as of yesterday I am 21 in six months. I can hardly believe it, but I'm very excited to finally be hitting this milestone birthday.

There is this boy I've been talking with online since last Spring and we have yet to meet in person. I'm hoping we get to in the next few weeks. He is awesome, and not to mention attractive. It's something to look forward to.

The Reader

2009-02-01T02:21:00.000-08:00

I saw this movie tonight. I read the book a while back and I thought the movie was actually better, which never happens. So, three best picture nominees down, two more to go.

2009-01-25T18:04:00.001-08:00

The last couple days haven't been all that bad. I saw Revolutionary Road, although it very depressing, was really good. The acting was great, and I love Kate Winslet.

Went to a party last night in Covington at this very nice guy Sam's house, who I have met once before at a poetry reading at the Bean Haus over the summer. First of all, there were a shit ton of people there, and Ashleigh, Chris and I knew maybe two or three people max until more of our friends started showing up about an hour after we did. Secondly, his loft apartment was awesome. Brick walls, open space, hardwood floors, it was perfect. Thirdly, there was a DJ and a fashion show, which I thought was a bit odd, but whatever. I drank many PBRs, mostly in bottles. I was also staring at a very attractive boy in a brown striped jacket all evening. He left before I could get his name or number, and I've been thinking about him ever since. I hope he reappears someday, because he was extremely attractive.

Reading assignments and homework have begun. Always happens the third week of class. I'm starting to get back in the swing of things. I'm shooting for excellent grades this semester, and it's 100% achievable as long as I cut my social life literally in half and use that time to study more. With every passing semester that Bachelor's degree seems a little more real. It's really important to me to get it, and by 2011.

I just ordered $80 worth of stuff online from Forever 21. It's been a while since I've gotten any clothes or accessories, and I've got the money so I figured it was okay to treat myself tonight. I am also waiting for the last of my books to get here, and two surprises I bought for Molly and myself. I can't say until they get here because I want her to be excited.

I've been doing pretty well diet and exercise-wise. I've lost four pounds so far and I've been eating healthier. I could afford to exercise a little more than I have been, but I always do little things that I think really add up, like taking the stairs to go to class instead of the elevators, and walking to Starbucks all the way across campus instead of getting my morning coffee from the place in the science building where I have class. If not 40, I definitely think 20 pounds is sure to be lost. Maybe even by the end of April. I always go on crazy diets and say I'm going to lose weight and I go about it all the wrong ways. I'm finally on track now. I don't think of it as dieting anymore, I just think of my eating habits now as healthier alternatives and it doesn't seem like much of a chore. I think that's the main problem with people who go on "diets". You don't have to think like that, you can still eat great foods but make it so much better for you. I'm completely on track and 100% committed to losing this weight and keeping it off. I know I'll be giving up some of my favorite foods but that isn't going to matter when I get out there in the sun this summer weighing 40 pounds less and looking awesome in my bikini.

I'm very excited for summer. I feel like it just left but also that it's right around the corner again. I can't wait for Bonnaroo, for swimming and laying out, for summer clothes, for beautiful weather. I keep talking about it and it's making me very anxious!

Movies to see still: Two Lovers, The Reader, The Wrestler, Wendy and Lucy, The Soloist, Last Chance Harvey and Slumdog Millionaire. I've seen some that I've wanted to see: Milk, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Revolutionary Road. They were all extremely good.

This is just a random blog of sorts. I've got nothing of real interest to say at the moment, I just needed a break from reading this book and trying to do this assignment.

New love.

2009-01-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

Another musician that I've just fallen completely in love with.

Behold: Andrew VanWyngarden.

Why is he so perfect?

2009-01-19T22:35:00.000-08:00

It's the simplest of things I miss the most. Like the feeling of being alive. I haven't felt that in a very long time.

On a lighter note, Obama is president in less than 12 hours or something. Feels nice to win one for a change.

2009-01-18T22:07:00.000-08:00

The great thing about having a good family is that no matter how alone you feel, whether it's because of romantic relationships (or lack-there-of) or friendships gone awry, you've always got someone to be there with. You've got people who are always going to be there. And the great thing about having a sister is knowing that I've always got at least one friend, no matter how tough times can get. I've always got someone around to hang out with. Plus my dog Ty. He may only be just a dog to everyone else, but to me he is one of my best friends. He doesn't judge, isn't mean, always is excited to see me and loves me unconditionally. I will admit, I do take my family for granted like more than half the time, but I hope they know they will always be the most important things in my life. Additionally, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell everyone in my life that I care about that I love them and I'm very grateful to know them. I don't ever say it enough to the people that matter.

I hate winter, my seasonal depression has seemed to have gotten the best of me here lately. I've been pretty sad the last few days, and I've really missed Johnny the last couple of nights. I just keep wondering when I'm going to move on; in February it'll be a year since we've ended things. And let me tell you, it's the absolute worst not being able to be with the one you love, and for them to be off with someone else, never to be heard from again. But you know, no matter how bad I feel about that, no matter how uncertain and scared I am of other life issues, I have good days too. And on those good days I'm glad I can take time to realize that my life could be a lot worse. I never claim to have a shitty life ever, but it may come off like I'm saying that. I'm just heartbroken and unsure about a lot of things right now. Going through a huge rough patch if you will. And yes, I get very sad sometimes, and sometimes it's hard to even get out of bed. But I do know that my life is filled with wonderful people, and I will continue to meet wonderful people and have amazing experiences. There's still so much of the world I haven't seen, so many people I have yet to meet. I'll always love him, but I'm ready to get out there in that world and start living.

Although I don't believe it, I honestly hope that everything happens for a reason. I hope there is a reason why I'm unhappy right now. I hope there's a reason for everything I've ever done, that has ever been done to me, and that has happened as a result of both. I hope good things are on the way for me. I just need to find the patience to wait for them.

Restless night

2009-01-12T03:27:00.000-08:00

Spring 2009 semester begins for me in six hours, and I can't fall asleep. I just keep thinking about anything and everything there is to think of. My mind is racing. I always enjoy getting new classes. I feel like it's a fresh start. I can keep my grades up, meet new people, and learn new things. It makes me feel good. But for the time being, I still can't sleep. I probably won't even go to bed, I'll be up until class starts.

I've got Anthropology 273 - Race, Gender, and Culture and Biology 120 - General Biology w/laboratory today, then English 209 - Survey of American Lit II, and EMB 110 - Intro To Mass Media Tues/Thurs. Sounds like an all right semester. I think I can turn things around for myself grade wise. I'm done with gen eds after this just about, and I can start on my major, which I need to get around to changing. Then if things go according to plan, and I take a summer class or two at least one summer, I think I'll be graduating in 2011. Which means it would be taking me five years to get my Bachelor's but, it doesn't matter to me. As long as I've got it, that's the important thing. Then I hope I can start work immediately at a local high school (probably not SK because I think I might rather die) and start on graduate work so I can get the hell out of HS work and work at NKU for the time being. I think it's a pretty good plan, and of course my insane fucking idea of joining the Navy is outta here. Probably for the best, I'm not sure I would like it anyway.

Bonnaroo DVD should be coming really soon, along with the '09 lineup. I can't buy a ticket yet until I know when Molly's graduation is. I'm hoping for no more than 5 snow days but you never can tell. As soon as February is over I will know if I can go. Even though Bonnaroo makes me kind of nostalgic and sad, it's still an awesome time. I look forward to it so much, because it's really the closest thing to a vacation that I can take every year.

In less than 7 months, I will be 21. This excites me. Not because I can get hammered in public legally, but because I can also get into 21+ shows. And besides, I'd be making it to my twenty-first. It's a big accomplishment, and I'll probably feel like a real adult afterward. Although it's a half a year away, I've just been thinking of the celebration I'm going to have. Of course the typical bar hopping will occur, probably in Covington because of the convenience, or maybe even somewhere not around here, like Lexington or Louisville. But the real party is going to be at the Red River Gorge. Sounds weird for a 21st Birthday celebration, I understand. But I want to rent a cabin and have 15 or so friends drive down there with me and just have an awesome time. I love being outside so I figure I can still go hiking and swimming and sightseeing outside during the day, and have some sort of "house" party at night. Plus we wouldn't be leaving Kentucky, which is where I want to stay for this.

Things are going to be changing for me, and fast. Molly is starting college, I'll be 21, and I'll be working on my major. In the near future I'll be moving out into my own place and starting my career. It all seems like things will stay the same forever right now, but I can see now why people tell you to enjoy your youth, because it seems like yesterday I was graduating high school and now I'm finishing up the remaining years of college. How's it going to feel once I graduate college and land a job? Time moves so quickly, but you don't notice it until it's over and you're looking back. Before I know it I'm gonna be 29, counting down the days until my 30th, dreading it.

I've been thinking for the past couple of days about myself and what lies ahead for me. I don't want to end up being 30-something, unmarried (even unattached), and still in love with the one that got away while all my other friends are settling down and having kids and purchasing two car garage homes. I fear that this is my fate. I don't know, it may not be. Who knows what's going to happen or who I will meet. But I am honestly starting to be legitimately scared that this is going to happen to me. I'm totally fine being alone, I function very well by myself, and actually prefer to be by myself more than half the time. It's that longing for someone who is never coming back that I'm not fine with. I just don't want it anymore. I just want rid of it.

2009-01-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit; Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

"We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

January 1, 2009 12:11 AM

2009-01-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

I couldn't miss you any more than I do now. Happy New Year. I honestly hope from the bottom of my heart that you are happy, wherever you may be right now. I'm not, but that is life.

so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that can hold us back

so this is the new year

Resolutions

2008-12-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of things I'd love to accomplish for next year. New Year's Resolutions are mostly bullshit, but here they are anyway.

Dear Kelley,

1. Lose weight by June 1 (preferrably around 30 pounds). Keep diet and exercise plan going from January 2-June 1 and don't take any breaks. Buy a bikini or dress that is too small on purpose so it gives you some motivation to want to fit in it.
2. Calm down. Don't be as pissed off all the time. Learn to control anger better.
3. Cheer up. Try to let go or at least come to terms with some things (and people) from your past.
4. Get a job and start saving money. You don't want to live at home after you get your Bachelor's degree, so start saving for a down payment on a house. I am saying house because if you and Ty are going to move out together, he deserves a backyard to run around in, and not be cramped in a tiny apartment. And if the house is not an option, make sure you've got enough money for at least six months rent in the bank.
5. Do better in school. You've been screwing around the past two and a half years you've been in school, and all A's and B's are indeed possible. Make the Spring semester the best semester you've had in college so far. Also, change your major and do research into education/english majors.
6. Save up enough money for Bonnaroo.
7. Stop biting your nails.
8. Be nicer to everyone, even if they aren't nice to you. Tell your friends and family you love and care for them more often. Be more generous and an overall better person to others.
9. Keep your house clean. I know you won't be living here for much longer, but you live here now so do more stuff around the house for your mother.
10. Start paying off debts (school loans, credit card bills, etc.)
11. If depression, anxiety, or anger start to get too overwhelming, go talk to someone about it. You can use the counseling services at NKU for free, so go ahead and do it if you need it.
12. Take time for you. Go for walks, go see movies by yourself, or go get coffee or lunch by yourself. "You" time is time to think and get shit together, and also it can just be relaxing.
13. Read more books. Try to finish one book a month if time allows it.
14. Spend less time on the internet and more time outside.
15. Go camping/hiking/canoeing/seadooing/anything outdoorsy more next summer. Try to shoot for Mammoth Cave once, Red River Gorge once, Brookville Indiana once, East Fork once, and any other place that you can go get physical activity and enjoy the outdoors.
16. Stop worrying so much about things you cannot control. It's not worth the stress.
17. Accept the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but so are you. Don't regret saying how you feel about certain things, because you are allowed to. And if people are going to be pissed off for it, so be it. It is their problem, not yours.
18. Even though it's been difficult, try to be more optimistic about life.
19. Make things happen for yourself. Try your best at everything you do. If they don't happen, move on. At least if you do the most/best you can, you will know it wasn't your fault.
20. Do all of these things, and not just some or most of them.

Sincerely,
Yourself

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T23:27:00.001-08:00

Or something like that. I wouldn't call it merry. I'm not one to sound "above" Christmas or anything, or belittle its importance, but sometimes its a load of shit to me. Very few people in this world, and who I personally know, view Christmas as a time to share with family, a time to be courteous to strangers, to give and not worry about recieving. The holidays both calm me somewhat and make me utterly disgusted or depressed. It's just the winding down period for the year, time to spend with friends and family, and just relax and have some fun. But this year again, I am alone. I've got no one to share the good times with. Sure I've got family and a great group of friends (and I mean fantastic group of friends; I couldn't have asked for better friends), but I know that it isn't enough as much as I'd like it to be. And okay, I'm 20. But you know, you can be lonely and sad and miss people no matter what the age. If you've experienced love and it's been taken from you, no matter your age, it will hurt. Even if you haven't experienced it yet, there will always be that longing for something that went missing or something you're still trying to find.

It's just so hard to be positive about the future. I'm happy with my family, happy with friends, with school, with myself. But I think I'm always doing things half-heartedly. Because if I were to be truly honest with myself and with anyone, I'm not really happy as a whole. Some days are better than others but I haven't been happy in at least a year. And it's got a lot to do with Johnny I won't lie, but other things too. I always feel too ahead of my own age, but too young to do anything about it. I feel helpless sometimes. Lost and scared, not sure of what I'm going to do next. What is my next move in life? As soon as I'm done with college, what do I do? Will I be alone? Why do I still miss him? Sometimes he doesn't really bother me. I think about how happy he must be. Even if he isn't, I always try to picture him being completely satisfied with life. Because I do love and care for him, and I wouldn't wish my misery on someone so dear to my heart. But there are those nights when I almost hate him for leaving me. I know I don't, but my heart gets so heavy sometimes that I need to turn my sadness to anger, because I can't deal with the pain I feel any longer.

Life is so funny, isn't it? You think you've found everything you're looking for and sometimes you're blinded by things, almost consumed with the idea that this is the way things will be from now on. Well, I've learned first hand this year that things can change for you in the blink of an eye. Two people who are so much in love could just drift away, as easily said as it was done. Even one person could fall for someone else so quickly. Sometimes I'll never understand how that works. I'll never understand why we aren't together. And none of the time will I ever not miss you.

But you know what? This post isn't about him. And it isn't about being lonely. I guess it's about how I'm feeling about everything. Life, love (or lack-there-of), everything. And mostly, it's about new horizons.

Yes, new horizons. Prospects. Well, I guess prospect. It's been a hell of a year, and 2008 sure has sucked the life right out of me. It's also been extremely difficult to even fathom having feelings towards another human being after what I just went through in the last 24 months. But I want to. I want to just give in to it, just declare to myself that yes, I'm going to care about this person, even try to form some sort of relationship. Even though I'm still getting over the past, and my first real love, I'm ready to take the lessons learned and leave it behind me. I haven't formally stated any of my feelings to him. I just don't want to come off as some sort of crazy girl who wants to definitely settle down by the age of 24, because truthfully I don't. I'm sure he knows somewhat of my interest for him though. I'm just really nervous about having "the talk".

To be honest, I don't have high hopes for anything developing. It sounds bad, but I know he is probably in a similar boat. I never want to assume someone's feelings for me, because it is possible to find someone attractive but not have feelings. But I want him, I do. I want to get to know him more on a personal level, even if not romantically. Just as friends would get to know each other. Maybe we won't fall in love and get married, but maybe he will have some part in bettering my life. Me moving on. Me realizing important things. Maybe none of these.

I just don't know what to do about the whole situation. It's so confusing yet so exciting and scary. It's such an amazing feeling to like someone new, but its also scary when you're not sure if they are even thinking of such things about you, let alone feeling them. I want to keep my distance and wait it out, but this feeling of anxiousness is building day after day, and sometimes I just want to come out with it no matter what the outcome. I honestly don't know. Its hard to determine what to do. I have a tendency to over-analyze things sometimes, and sometimes things are much simpler than I make them out to be.

Being close to him really does make me feel better. I just wish it was more frequently we were alone, and I guess more intense. More feeling involved. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing with someone if I didn't have feelings for them, and I'm only going to be close with that person only. No dating around for me. I just think that's a little disrespectful, to him and to myself, if I were to continue dating around with others at the same time. Maybe it's also due to my lack of interest in anyone else. But mostly the first part.

I hate that I'm writing about this, because there's a good chance he's reading. But I honestly don't really care right now. Writing things down rather than discussing it with others has always been a better outlet for me. Because I know that someone somewhere will read this and understand, hopefully.

Well, Merry Christmas to all who read this crap I write. Most of the time its just a bunch of nonsense, but here it is anyway.

2008-12-24T03:59:00.001-08:00

"I still thought you were going to save my life. Even after that."

2008-12-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

I know you won't ever be mine, but it sure is a nice thought.

2008-12-11T07:17:00.001-08:00

My perfect 2009 Bonnaroo lineup:

My Morning Jacket

Modest Mouse

Radiohead

Wilco

Death Cab For Cutie

Minus The Bear

Ben Folds

The Avett Brothers

Bright Eyes or Conor Oberst by himself

The Swell Season

MGMT

Spoon

Kings Of Leon

The Decemberists

The Roots

The Black Keys

The Flaming Lips

The National

Old Crow Medicine Show

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

All of these have been at Bonnaroo at some point so, if at least a third of these show up, I'm good to go. Pre=sale is already underway but I don't want to buy a ticket until I see the lineup. I'll probably miss the cheap prices but. It's a chance I have to take.

Don't you make me go home

2008-12-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

I never knew what I was missing
And frankly, I was better off
You let me drink from your cup
And now I don't know how to stop
I've been pounding and pleading at your window
Sadly ignored
I want it just a little bit more, I want it just a little bit more
You love me then you lock your door

2008-12-06T09:29:00.001-08:00

This is going nowhere, and fast.

2008-12-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

My moods change with every passing day, sometimes with every passing hour. But at this exact moment in my life, at 2:15PM on Tuesday, December 2, 2008, I've got a small longing for the new year. I feel like I'm ready to embrace it with open arms right now. I want it here now. I want to make it a fantastic year. I want to better myself and better the relationships I have with my friends and family. I want to travel more, see more, do more, experience more, party more, see more bands, see more movies, read more books, write more, work more, study more, dance crazier, sing louder, feel more, relax more, and be more passionate about everything and everyone. I want to know what I want and do more to get it. I'd love to be more open-minded, more stable, more spontaneous, more outgoing, speak up more, take more of a stand, and be noticed more. I want to eat healthier and take care of myself more. I'm going to do all of these things, and I'm going to mean them.

I feel good right now. And I am starting to realize that even though I've got a lot to be sad for, I've also got a lot to be thankful for, happy for, even hopeful for. I think I'm going to be all right.

2008-11-30T01:25:00.000-08:00

Party tonight at Alan's, it was a lot of fun. I missed Lindsey, and my other friends. I never feel better than when I'm surrounded by all of the people I know and love. Some people were hard to read tonight, as always. I wonder if this is going to continue forever. Someone also stole my phone, which is mind-boggling to me. It's seriously such a piece of shit I don't even know why anyone would want it. It has all my numbers in it though, which is a pain in the ass because now I'll have to attain everyone's and then proceed to program them in. So tomorrow I'm going to get a new one and I'll need everyone's numbers. Not that anyone reads this but a select few, I'm just talking here.

I was reading old conversations from people I've saved over the last two years. God, I can't believe it's been two years. It doesn't feel like it should be. I never feel 20, and I never believe it's 2008. I feel like I'm so much different from when I dated Johnny, and I am. I'm more mature. I think if our relationship had started now without all of the complicated shit on both ends (which incidentally ruined everything for us) we would have worked. But the odds were against us, without a doubt. And it honestly really sucks it had to end the way it did, and it sucks the way it is now. I just can't continue caring about this anymore. It's too painful, too emotionally draining and a waste of my time.

And this new person I'm interested in, the first person I've been truly interested in since I've somewhat emerged from this horrible train wreck of a breakup, is so complicated and hard to read, I don't even know what to do with that. I know I need to do something though, and soon. Before the year is over, no doubt.

andwithxthisgun (4:45:01 AM): are you at home now
drwilymd2 (4:45:17 AM): yeah
drwilymd2 (4:45:21 AM): poutin
andwithxthisgun (4:45:26 AM): hahaha LIKEWISE
andwithxthisgun (4:45:29 AM): goddamn life sux

I'm thankful...

2008-11-29T16:24:00.000-08:00

For the year coming to an abrupt end. That is what I'm thankful for.

Don't waste my time
This is it
This is really happening

2008-11-22T14:36:00.001-08:00

Goodbye to Spring
And all it meant to me
It could never bring
The things that used to be
For I must have you, or no one
That's why I'm through with love

Best albums of 2008

2008-11-19T13:36:00.001-08:00

It's about that time of year again. These are in no particular order, just the ones that come to my mind.

Attack & Release - The Black Keys
They have sort of a southern rock sound, and I was very surprised by this band. I hadn't heard them until this summer, but they are seriously awesome. This was a great album if you like southern indie rock.

Conor Oberst - Conor Oberst
Self titled album by just Conor, not with Bright Eyes. He is such a good songwriter and I'll continue to respect him for that. He may not be my all time favorite artist, but he is definitely one of my all time favorite songwriters. There are some really great tracks on this album.

Narrow Stairs - Death Cab For Cutie
Possibly my favorite album of this year. They never disappoint. Every album is like gold. I don't think you could ever sit here and say they've made a bad album, and that's impressive for a band who's had six albums and has been around since 1997. Most bands make at least one or two not so great albums. But it's probably because Ben Gibbard is amazing, has a great voice, and can write one hell of a song and tune. No one sounds like Death Cab as much as they might want to. No one ever will. They really are great.

The Second Gleam - The Avett Brothers
These guys are so awesome. I saw them live at Bonnaroo and then in Somerset, KY over the summer and they are so full of energy and passion. They have a great sound, a great love for what they do, great music, and great intentions, and that all comes forward in their performances. This album's best song for me was "Murder In The City", and if you've never heard it, at least listen once. It's awesome.

Way To Normal - Ben Folds
Haha man, Ben Folds is so cool. Saw him for the first time at Bonnaroo and he was so much fun. In my top 5 favorite performances of all time by any band or artist. I haven't listened to much of this, but I can already tell it's good. Anything by Ben is good, he is a phenomenal pianist.

Cardinology - Ryan Adams
God, I could not love Ryan Adams more right now. He is the best thing I've come across in a long long time. This album, although not his best, is still fucking awesome. Get this album. I don't really need to say much, because everyone knows how brilliant this man is.

Something For All Of Us... - Brendan Canning
Brendan Canning is one of the co-founders of Broken Social Scene, one of my favorite bands of all time. They are so badass. They have like 17 members at all times, and each member has either contributed to Broken Social and/or has solo stuff that really rocks. This album was really good, I liked it a lot.

Evil Urges - My Morning Jacket
Favorite band, hands down. Haunting, mysterious, sentimental, rock and roll is how I would describe them. This album is nothing short of great. Best band to come out of Kentucky ever. I'm proud to say I'm from the state they are.

Feed The Animals - Girl Talk
I really enjoy Gregg Gillis as of late. Not much to say about him, Girl Talk is all the craze so everyone knows what's up. Definitely best dance party tunes ever created.

The Stand Ins - Okkervil River
I haven't heard this entire album yet, but Okkervil River is definitely good. I just discovered them last year, and I sometimes wonder what took me so long.

2008-11-17T22:23:00.001-08:00

Baby, there's just one thing
One thing that does it, does it for me
Baby, we'll find a way
We'll go out, out for a day
And I want it so bad
It's the first thing I see when I wake
So bad, it's the first thing I see when I wake

2008-11-16T23:48:00.000-08:00

When I'm bored surfing the internet, I'll ocassionally read the stuff I write in here. I have to say it's some of the most depressing, profound, utterly ridiculous stuff I've ever seen. I guess that is the journalist in me, to write and write and write and write some more. No one reads this anyway. Why do I even bother?

Why can't I just get happy already?

2008-11-12T02:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not used to this feeling anymore. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.

Do I extinguish this before it gets out of control, or do I keep fueling the fire?

2008-11-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Why do people insist on not being upfront about stuff? Do they think others can't handle the truth? Just let your intentions be known. Don't avoid telling people what you really think and feel. Just say it to them.

Election

2008-11-05T04:04:00.000-08:00

You know, everyone has their beliefs. Every single person is set in their ways, so it's pointless to try to change minds. But I've listened to the dumbass remarks of my anti-Obama friends (and trust me, I have very few) even when I didn't want to, so now it's time for them to listen to me a little bit and try to be courteous even if they don't agree. I know, I know, it's very difficult for you republicans to understand what courteous means, but I'm sure with a little practice you can figure it out.

First I'd like to just take a minute to congratulate Barack Obama for the well-deserved win. I genuinely believe he has the right intentions for this country and I feel so proud to be an American for literally the first time in almost a decade, if not ever.

Okay, now for the fun part.

I've read from numerous people that they are extremely disappointed in the election results. It's fine to support McCain, but are you doing it because you truly believe in his abilities, or just because you always vote republican? I'm really sorry to have to say this, but just about every conservative I know votes for the republican candidate no matter how ridiculous and stupid they are. Like George W. Bush for example. Second to lowest disapproval rating in the presidential history. Just a hair above Richard Nixon. That is absolutely heartbreaking to think we let this man drive the country into the ground in the last eight years. And you know he did it, too. He didn't do shit to make this country a better place. I think a lot of you voted republican because you're too scared or stubborn to actually read up on the candidates, watch their debates, follow EACH one's campaign and make an informed decision. You guys are some of the most stubborn people ever, and you know you are. Keep in mind I know not every republican is like this, but I'm talking to the ones that are.

Everyone, regardless of party affiliation, if they can't sit here and tell me they thought the Republican party wasn't fucked up they are lying. Has anyone been actually listening to McCain and Palin? The campaign has been so negative, so focused on everything but the country that I couldn't even consider voting for them. Every time I heard McCain talk it was just to say what Obama was doing wrong and how we shouldn't vote for him. He shouldn't even have went there, he should have talked about what he was going to be doing instead of wasting everyone's time. It's fine to bring it up a little, but not constantly for months. Everyone knows Palin was picked for political purposes, too. He could have seriously chosen a better running mate, and everyone knows it. It's not the fact she has no experience, it's the fact she would have been terrible for the job. She did not belong in the White House. I've already stated my reasons in earlier posts as to why. I'll send anyone my reasons if they want to do this in private. But no one can sit here and tell me she was not a female Alaskan version of George Bush, not one person. If you do, you've been in dreamworld for the last half a year and I feel sorry for you that all you do is see red and you don't give a damn what anyone is like, as long as they are Republican. Deny it all you want though. You know you are the way you are on the inside. You can debate with us all you please, but we see through all of that crap.

I just cannot believe how ignorant some of you are being. Is this 1950? I can't believe these racist republican conservatives still exist in this day and age. Get your religion out of politics, because there is no room for it. Some of you don't want the best for our country, you are just concerned about this country's people getting a little too liberal. Well, it's 2008 and shit is changing around here. We need a more liberal way of thinking. I am far more accepting than a lot of the republican friends I have, and it's been true time and time again. I can't believe the amount of racist propaganda floating around. Obama is a terrorist? Oh, is he? He is of black and caucassian decent. And even if he had a little bit of middle eastern blood in him, that does not make him a terrorist. It doesn't matter. He is an American, was born here, was raised here. Jesus was from the middle east, was he a terrorist? Didn't think so. Just because there are some radical terrorist groups from the middle east does not lump them all into the category of "terrorist" by any means. You need to quit putting your foot in your mouth and stop saying that shit, because it's not true at all. If you actually did your homework on both candidates like you're supposed to before an election, you'd realize how insane your statements are right now.

I also want to point out how incredibly rude the republicans were being last night at the Mccain rally. He was trying to congratulate Obama on his win and talk about how nice of a guy he was, and all you dumbasses were doing was booing his name. Really? Quit being so disrespectful. At the Obama rally, we cheered when we heard McCain's name. Because we respect people. Even though I don't share the same beliefs as McCain and I didn't vote for him, I'm still not going to boo at him, nor am I going to sit here and make up lies about him. He gave Obama a race to the White House and I respect any man who can take their loss in stride and not sit and cry about it. He was a good sport about things, as was Palin with all the SNL jokes. I appreciated the fact she could make fun of herself, and actually gained a little respect for her when she appeared on the show. That's what people need to start doing. Not taking themselves too seriously. Respecting people, no matter what. Why is this country so filled with negativity?

The disrespect for people needs to end now. We have been separating this country into blue and red for far too long. Whatever happened to being American? Coming together as one to be a proud nation? I know this country has so much potential to be selfless and good, but we just can't seem to get there. Times need to change. We need to start being great people again, like in the start of the country. We don't need to worry about what candidate is against gay marriage or which one funds abortions. We need someone in the White House who just wants the best for everyone here, no matter what your party affiliation is. Obama is that person.

So, for all of you who think Obama was a bad choice, we'll show you why you are wrong in the next four years. Be proud to be an American right now. We've come a very long way having a black man holding the highest cabinet position in the United States. Even if you don't share his values (and that's okay, you are entitled to your own religious and political beliefs, yet another reason why this country is so great) be proud anyway. Screw the parties right now, just be American. Be optimistic that this country will get on the right track now. Help fix it instead of bitching about your candidate not winning. Just because the election is over doesn't mean you need to give up. We still have a lot more to do. This was only a small hurdle. We've still got a long way to go with a lot more obstacles up ahead. The sooner you realize this, the better. We need to be united as one, fix the economy, fix global warming, fix ourselves. Be better, hardworking, honest, loyal and selfless people. All of us, regardless of who you are. The walls need to come down now, it's time. We can all fix our countries problems if we all ban together. Because if it's only one thing we can agree on, it's that we're in a bad place right now and it's our job to fix it. The President just helps only a little bit. It's the people, not the people in government that really matter. We matter, the American people. Let's show the world we can be caring and giving and intelligent. If we are going to be the self-proclaimed "greatest country in the world", we need to start acting the part. Every single one of us needs to do their part to make this country a better place.

Congratulations Barack Obama. I have total faith you will be a wonderful president, because I think you are a wonderful man. Now let's get to fixing the United States of America, stat.

DO THE RIGHT THING AMERICA.

2008-11-03T01:41:00.001-08:00

2008-11-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty terrified of liking him, because he is the most difficult person to read that I've ever met. Sometimes I think there may be something, but I think it's me wishing there was. It's okay if he doesn't, I just don't want to get involved with someone who is going to drag me along with no real intentions of being with me. He may not be doing that, but I'm just being cautious. You never know with anyone, regardless of how well you know them.

I do like him though. He's so attractive and has a good sense of humor about things. I could see myself if nothing else dating him for a while. Maybe not having a full fledged relationship, but definitely enjoying his company.

I don't know. Maybe it's just not the right time for me to be with anyone, which is okay. But I don't want to fully put my heart into this if nothing is there. One terrible heartbreak is enough for one year I think.

2008-10-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

Why do some people wish they were older? Like if you're 17 you cannot wait until 18. If you're 20 you can't wait to get to 21. And when you are 25 you're just counting the days until you're 30. Why does everyone want to be older? Being young is a joy. I wish I could go back instead of forward sometimes. I'd love to re-live my childhood with the knowledge I have now. I'd definitely change a lot of things. Or just simply enjoy being ten years old again, when nothing in the world really mattered and my heart was fully in-tact. I'd just like to see what if, you know? What if I would have went to that party, or got that person's number, or went on that vacation, or saw that movie on that Tuesday night I wasn't doing anything. Things could have been completely different. I'm not saying I'm not happy with my current life and the way things are happening and the people I know and love. Most of the people and parts of my life are good ones, and I'm happy for them. But everyone has their pain. Everyone has that someone they will never forget, as much as they want to.

I guess the time passing and getting older just makes me sad. It doesn't seem like it now, but one day I'll wake up and I'm not going to be 20 anymore, I'll be 40. 50. even 60. I sometimes feel like I'm wasting my youth just trying to find the missing pieces of myself. But most of all, every day that passes, everyone I meet, every little thing I do just fills the space between Johnny and I. With every little thing I do, even typing this, creates more distance. Soon enough, I'll hardly remember him, but with a few saved mementos from our relationship and a few pictures. I've already forgotten how it feels to kiss him, and I can't hear his laughter in my head anymore.

This does give me opportunity to find someone new, and to fall in love again. And I'm sure it will happen someday. But I am just afraid that I won't be able to give my whole heart to someone else. I think Johnny will always have part of it, until the day I die. I'm afraid I'll never accept a marriage proposal someday because I know I could never marry someone when I've got even a tiny little ounce of longing for someone else, even if I haven't seen him in a very long time. I know all of my friends are sick and fucking tired of hearing about this, and I'll be honest, I'm sick and tired of talking about how heartbroken I am. I truly am. I'm sick and tired of looking over my shoulder in public places. Sick and tired of making decisions with him in the back of my mind. And I'm really sick and tired of how much it's still bothering me a year later.

2008-10-25T01:56:00.001-07:00

I want to have something worth waking up for in the morning.

2008-10-23T00:40:00.000-07:00

Happy 32nd Birthday.

2008-10-18T01:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry to everyone whom I have been kind of avoiding, or who are always waiting for me to call them back and I never do, or who I've cancelled plans on many times. I am not doing this to be a terrible friend. It's just some days it's hard to even go outside, let alone get out of bed. I have been becoming a recluse increasingly more lately, and I'm not doing it on purpose. I just don't have the energy, and sometimes quite frankly, I don't have the want to. Sometimes my days and nights just blur together in one long continuous sad moment. On the rare occasion I'm having a relatively OK day and you do finally see me, I try to appear happy, and I apologize if you can tell I'm being a huge buzz-kill. It's just that masking my depression has grown into such a tedious task, and sometimes I'm not even up to it. I'm not trying to be a terrible friend on purpose, but I know I've been coming off that way lately. If you can just bear with me through this seemingly endless rough patch I seem to be having, I think I can overcome it. I'm not sure when, and I sure as hell don't know how. But I'm honestly trying. Trying to fix it, trying to fix myself.

I've just had a terrible time letting a major chapter of my life go and come to a complete close. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like when you find old pictures of people who were once significant parts of your life, but now they just seem like some distant memory. Instead of throwing them away, you put them all in a shoebox and tuck it away in a corner of the room rarely visited. Not because you hope one day these people come back into your life per se, you just keep them in case you want to remember good times you had with them. Remember those good times when you seem to be at your lowest. I don't know why I can't simply just end the chapter, close the book. I've never really been too good at it, and I obviously have no subconscious intention of doing it now. I hope someday to forget all of the things that transpired from late 2007 to now. I'm not sure how long it will take, and I completely understand that it isn't going to be easy and I will probably need help; albeit professional or from friends and family. Or maybe just inner strength. But I do realize there is room for improvement, even a need for it. Perhaps I need a change of scenery, or a new task to take on. Although I haven't quite figured out exactly what I need to do to take some positive steps in the right directions, I do know I want everyone I've been a little cold to lately to know how sincerely sorry I am for this. And if you could stick by me through it, you won't regret it and I would be eternally grateful. Besides, there's nowhere to go but up from here... Right?

2008-10-16T23:20:00.001-07:00

To say I don't ever miss him and I'm not thinking about him at least once every day, is a stretch for sure.

2008-10-14T21:42:00.001-07:00

2008 has most definitely, undoubtedly, completely, entirely, without question, 100% been the worst year of my life, and I can't wait for it to fucking be over.

2008-10-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

2008-10-07T22:45:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling okay the last month or so. For no one particular reason really, maybe a culmination of little reasons. Some days aren't so great, but some days are deemed "good", at least by my standard of good.

But some days, I'm miserable. I truly try to forget all the time, and some days I even succeed not thinking about it once. But once I'm reminded, I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. They stay there, sometimes for a really long time. And although it may seem like I'm happy or at least fine, inside I'm falling apart. And it's my own fault, I don't like talking about him, don't like when people bring him up, don't like when I have to think about anything even remotely related to something about him. I actually hate it. So I avoid it, I hardly ever talk about it, and there it lingers in the back of my head. Sometimes it makes my heart feel like it weighs a thousand pounds. It really hurts. I'm thinking I could talk to someone about this, but I don't know how much good it will do.

Of course I'm willing to move on, especially with new prospects on the horizon. Actually, I never want to get my hopes up about these kinds of things, especially in this fragile state.

I think I can't move on because I'm alone, and I know he isn't. I'm unhappy and I know he probably isn't. He left me in the shittiest way possible, and I don't feel like I got the proper closure I wanted. Maybe I wasn't ready to close that chapter of my life.

I just can't explain the despair I feel when these thoughts cross my mind. It's like it never even happened sometimes, and then other times it's like it happened yesterday. Sometimes I forget entirely.

I did however have a wonderful time with someone else recently. The first person whom I actually felt a closeness with in almost a year, and it was really nice. It was nice to know that there is someone else out there with things to offer, and I just have to be willing to accept it. Can I say that this particular person is the one? No, I can't. To be honest I doubt that it will even continue on past a friendship. Sure, I like him. But, it's totally fine. I'm going into things not expecting too much. That way, if nothing comes of it I won't be too disappointed, and if something does, it'll be a wonderful surprise. For now, I'm serious about just laying low in the whole relationship department. If it happens, that's great. But am I going to actively pursue something at the moment? Probably not. I know if love wants to find me again, it will. It's done it before, and I'm sure it will do it again. But I just think it's too soon for love at the moment. I know I won't ever pass up an opportunity at it, but I will know it when I see it. I'm going to be very careful in my decisions.

If I've weathered the worst part of the storm so far, I know I can get through the rest. It's always going to get worse before it gets better. I'm not sure if I'm still stuck in the "worse" part, but if I am, I have nothing to look forward to but the better.

2008-10-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

i know what i need and i know what i want in a relationship. right down to the littlest of details. i'm not "confused" and i don't feel i am too young to settle and be in a relationship. i don't have a hard time trusting people. i think i'm an excellent girlfriend. i give as much as i receive. i'm not selfish, i don't make everything about me. i'm passionate in every aspect: passionate about my significant other, passionate in the sexual aspect, passionate in the emotional and mental aspect. i'm not one of those women who start fights for no reason, who are always checking up on you, who are difficult to read. i tell you what i'm thinking, i tell you what i want, but in the best and most comforting way i know how. i'm not cold nor am i a prude. i think sex is a big part of feeling close to someone you love, and i don't hold out on it. i know when to give space but also when to be comforting when you're feeling alone. i'm not perfect, but i know what i want out of someone, and i give nothing less than what i would expect in a relationship, plain and simple. i've made mistakes at times and i will continue making mistakes, but i know i have a lot to offer.

i'm just looking for a specific kind of person. i'm sorry, but i won't end up settling for anything less than exactly what i want.

2008-10-03T01:08:00.001-07:00

would there be things i'd change from my past? yes. hell yes. but the fact of the matter is, i can't go back and undo those things. all i can do is look toward the future and not dwell. forgive those who've wronged me, forget those who are no longer in my life, and hope that other forgive me for the wrong steps i've taken in life. it's really all you can do. you can't spend your life dwelling on the past for whatever reason you are, whether it was a great or terrible past. it's done, it's over. you can remember it or spend your life trying to forget. but one thing is certain: the future is all you've got right now in this moment. why not make it the one you've always wanted? don't worry about the things you can't control, forget them and move on. if you don't, they will consume you with sadness and regret, and you don't need that kind of negativity festering. i've realized in life that one of the most rewarding things is letting something go. in every sense of the word. forgetting a terrible past, letting a person go who has decided to not be a part of your life anymore, and accepting the good things that probably won't ever be again. sure, all of this creates intricate webs in your life and sometimes things that have happened to you shape who you are. i understand this. but why let something terrible shape who you are as a person? life sucks for everyone, don't think you're the only one going through it. for every time you feel really shitty, i guarantee someone is feeling the exact same, or even worse than you. the universal human experience is pain i think. everyone experiences it differently, and everyone is affected by it differently. you just need to choose which kind of person you're going to be; the kind that lets the negativity consume your day to day life forever, or the person who keeps the past in the past and realizes people make mistakes. mistakes on your end or someone else's. everyone does things for their own reasons and sometimes they don't intentionally try to hurt you but try to heal from other things themselves. if anyone can sit here and say that they've never fucked up, they're a damn liar. everyone has, and everyone will.

so let shit go. don't dwell on the past. instead of wasting your time wishing things were different, make things better for yourself. heal relationships or heal yourself, but don't waste the little time you have on this earth with regrets, grudges, or anything like that. you've always got time to make things better for yourself no matter what. even if you aren't as happy as maybe you would have been before, you can still find some sort of inner peace and accept what's happened, learn from it, and don't ever make the same mistake again. we can all just hope that whatever happens, it's happening for a better reason. you just need to hold on and wait for that better reason to come along.

2008-09-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

sickness was fixing me some
coughed out my heart in the last stall
now that the damage is done
i never miss it at all

2008-09-22T23:10:00.001-07:00

sexual healing? yes please.

2008-09-19T18:49:00.000-07:00

i miss her. i wish i could go back and make things as they were. i need her in my life.

this sucks.

how i wish, how i wish you were here

we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

year after year

running over the same old ground

the same old fears

wish you were here

i will sing you songs

2008-09-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

I love My Morning Jacket. They're so damn good. Especially live, they are amazing. Some of the bands I enjoy really suck live, or at least aren't as entertaining and awesome as MMJ. They play for like three hours straight, with the same energy in the last song as there was in the first. They don't half ass things at all, they make sure to bring the rock and if you ever get a chance to see them live, do it. I promise they will not disappoint. And if not, just make sure you obtain somehow, Okonokos Live and listen to it all the way through. SO good. Might be one of, if not my favorite band at the present moment. I don't know, I don't like kicking Modest Mouse to the curb like this, but they can't even touch MMJ live. And there are very few bands who can evoke so many different emotions from you in one song. It's usually just one, but the songs just make me feel happy sad excited regretful amazing all at once. Sounds corny, but it really is powerful. You don't realize how powerful music can be in your life. It can heal you, it can break you. It's more than the image, it's more than a particular scene to me. It's about passion, talent, and fun. Also about healing, expressing. There's just something so cool about expressing a particular time in your life or mood you're feeling with a song, and every time you hear that song you remember just how you felt and you remember the moments that made that song significant. Just like that. Music should in no way define who you are, but rather help define moments of your life and make them better. I love it.

I haven't really updated in a while. Guess because there isn't much to say. I guess a random paragraph of sorts is in order. The wedding was a lot of fun. The electric was out for quite some time and that sucked. We had a lot of wind damage to our roof, as did just about everyone in the subdivision. Roofing party soon! Some people are still out of electric. I'm thankful to have mine back. No Lexington this weekend. Just gonna try to hang out here instead. Maybe study. Maybe hang out or drink a few beers later. Done with class until next week. I really enjoy going two days as opposed to every day. I think I'm gonna schedule it like this from now on if it's possible.

Things are surprisingly getting better here lately. Had some rough days, but the past couple weeks I've felt pretty okay. I've started hanging out with some really awesome people, and it's helped me tremendously. I want to fill my life with people like this. When you've got such great company to help you through some rough times, it's hard not to gradually get better. I feel okay now, I have high hopes for my future, and in every sense of the word future. Future in school, future career, future relationships. Seemed bleak and worthless when I was stuck in that rough patch, but now (as cliche as this sounds) the light is starting to shine through just a bit. Not too much, but enough for me to keep on keepin' on.

I'm very excited that fall is here. I love September and October, when the leaves change, when the nights get cooler, and when Halloween comes. It's my favorite time of the year. I hate winter, and I hate spring. I embrace summer, but there is nothing like autumn. It's beautiful, it's calming, it's filled with delicious foods, awesome scenery, and just fun in general. When I was a kid I LOVED Halloween. I love it for different reasons now, but I always looked forward to dressing up different. My mom was really into it when Molly and I were younger. Fall always reminds me of my mom. She is the coolest woman I know, and the most important person in my life. Always will be.

My uncle offered me a job yesterday as a sales rep. for Trends INC. I'd be going to any store that has poster racks and stocking them, filling invoices, taking inventory, time sheets, what have you. Free posters, heck yeah. I'd have to drive a lot but, it's like 12/hr so I think I'm going to take it. For now. I'm also getting a second job, so hopefully tattoos are in my very near future!

so, i do believe

none of this is physical

at least not to me

so, i do believe

that anywhere it goes

it's always with me

2008-09-15T23:14:00.001-07:00

sometimes you're a tourist with a camera
stealing souls for scrapbooks
sometimes you've got a life back home
sometimes you're really alone, you're really alone
sometimes you're really alone

2008-09-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

there will be an answer

let it be.

just thinkin'

2008-09-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

25 Favorite bands and artists, I'm pretty sure these are in order too.

25. The Black Keys
24. Pedro The Lion
23. Superdrag
22. Sufjan Stevens
21. Ben Folds (Five)
20. Spoon
19. The Weakerthans
18. The Rolling Stones
17. David Bowie
16. The White Stripes
15. Led Zeppelin
14. Minus The Bear
13. Radiohead
12. Mewithoutyou
11. Bright Eyes
10. The Avett Brothers
9. Broken Social Scene
8. Wilco
7. Cursive
6. Rilo Kiley
5. Ryan Adams & The Cardinals
4. Death Cab For Cutie
3. My Morning Jacket
2. The Good Life
1. Modest Mouse

2008-09-04T21:31:00.001-07:00

Ever since my breakup last year, and the crap that I went through earlier this year... It's been really difficult to get past. I'm not happy like I once was. I'm depressed, lonely, devastated. It's just... It would be nice to win one, you know?

2008-09-04T06:04:00.001-07:00

I've been having really weird dreams lately. I hope these aren't premonitions or anything, because most of them have been just terrible. So bad that I don't even want to repeat them here.

It's 9AM, I've got class until 1:30, and then I'm taking a long nap. Trying to do constructive things this weekend, like get through all my class readings. I'm a bit behind on that, and I need to not fall so behind that I can't catch up. My goal is nothing less than a B in all four classes. I can pull it off if I stop being lazy.

I doubt I'll be going to Ryan Adams now. I just can't really afford the ticket. If it was like $15 I could swing it, but it's like $32, not including all the service charges they will tack on. I just can't do it. I'll feel terrible that entire day because I really do want to see him. Sorry Ryan, I just can't afford your show. Maybe next time.

Give me some good recipes for food. Anything really. Appetizers, main courses, desserts, anything. I need new and exciting food options for this dinner party I'm about to have.

2008-09-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

Molly and I have been hanging out all weekend, and not fighting at all. It's nice. Hopefully not short lived either.

I love school more and more each day. Our Student Union makes everything way better. It's really something. I'm not so mad about my tuition going up after seeing it now. I also like shuttling to class in the morning. Makes me feel like I'm at a big University. Not that I don't love NKU, but I've always wanted to go away for school, like to UK or UofL or something. Now I don't. I can stay home but also kind of be away. Molly is coming to NKU next year, and we're going to live together in the dorms.

Ashleigh and Geoff are married in 13 days! How exciting. I'm going to take so many pictures at the reception.

This September really sucks for me, because it's been about a year since Johnny and I have broken up. It's really hard for me some days to think about. I really do miss him very much. I always wonder what he's doing, if he's happy, if he sometimes misses me too, if he still thinks about me at all. I wish things with us didn't have to end, especially how they did. What makes me angry the most is why we broke up. I never once was with anyone else or even thought about being with anyone else while we were together. I loved him and only him, and even after not speaking to him for almost five months now, it's still hard for me to picture myself with someone else. I don't think he knew just how much I did love and care for him. The past is the past though, and I've got to learn to accept it. I'd like to think I changed his life for the better, but who knows. I know my life isn't better now. It's better in the aspect of love, I learned what it was, and I learned just how happy it can make me. He was amazing, and will always have a place in my heart. Always. I know people always say that, and then they forget and move on quickly, but I truly think that he was the right person for me. It was just the wrong place at the wrong time. I've learned some things along the way and I don't regret ever being with him. He was the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm so grateful every day that I had what little time I did to experience someone so wonderful.

Even though September sucks for reasons stated above, it's also one month closer to the end of 2008. I'm ready to say goodbye to it. I've been ready to say goodbye to it since about March or April. It's been the worst year and I just want to put it behind me and make 2009 a way better year for myself. I deserve it.

I don't know what the future holds for me. After graduation, who knows who I'll be with, what I'll be interested in, what I'll want to do with my life. As of right now, I'm just focusing on getting off academic probation and getting my Bachelor's, and then I plan on joining the Navy. I've got nothing really holding me back from the Navy, especially the whole me being single part. But if I do start seriously dating someone in the next 2 or 3 years, I am going to reconsider this decision. Only time will tell what the future holds for me. As of now, the Military is a serious option for me in 2011.

Come on life. Give me something good again. I need it.

2008-08-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know who I am
Who I am without you

2008-08-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

My classes so far today have been awesome. I've got one more at 6:15 tonight, so we'll see how that one goes.

First one, is English 291- Advanced College Writing, and the professor seems pretty cool. I love writing so I'll enjoy the class either way. Then I've got Anthropology 230 - Native American Indians. I know a few people in there, so it should be a good time. I just had my Music 108 - History of American Popular Music class, and I'm pretty sure I'm in love with my professor. He rules. We got to watch a White Stripes Youtube video in class. I'm very happy with this semester and it's only been the first day for me. I'm happy with my dorm and how it's not directly on campus. I get to take the shuttle for free so I'm not going to have to drive to class anymore. It's convenient, and I feel totally motivated now. My roommate is even nice. I got a pretty sweet deal going on.

I've got no classes MWF so tomorrow I may go home and lay out, get more clothes and whatever else I forgot, and see my dogs. May go shopping too. I've got a Forever21 store credit I need to use. I also need to find a way to buy some books for Thursday, or at least for next week. My loan hasn't come yet, so I haven't even paid for my tuition or housing/meal plan.

This past week hasn't been too terrible for me. It's actually been pretty okay. I haven't felt as sad as I usually am. That's a good thing. Maybe that means things are finally looking up. Maybe I'm just adapting to everything that's happened. Maybe time is finally being good to me. Who knows. I don't want to jinx myself, but I like feeling just okay. By no means am I happy, but I can settle with okay for once... For now.

I really can't wait for Ashleigh and Geoff's wedding. I hope things go well with my date.

I want tattoos this winter. I'm definitely going to shoot for at least one. I've got ideas.

2008-08-24T20:54:00.001-07:00

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

what a good night.

2008-08-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

I just have to take a few minutes to talk about my night.

First, my mom and I moved some of my stuff into my room. It's not the Ritz-Carlton, but it will do. Most of my stuff is here at my house so I didn't stay last night.

After we were done with that, we headed over to my Grandma's friend's place for a class reunion they were having. These people are loaded, I mean seriously. My mom gave me a tour of their newly renovated house, and their bedroom was the size of our living room, kitchen and bathroom combined. They also have a dining room, living room, HUGE kitchen, a sun room, guest rooms on the second floor, 3 room basement, and a couple other bathrooms. Oh, it's not over. They live on acres and acres of land, have tons of crops that they grow, a tennis court, and if I'm not wrong, a pool. It's insane how much money they have. But I've known them my entire life and they are really good people so we actually had fun. My mom and I were bartenders for the evening, and I snuck in about three beers and a margarita. Everyone there was at least 65 or older. But they kept drinking and talking about sex, and I thought it was hilarious. I tried to hook my grandma up with this friend of hers who was her "date" for the night. He always goes on vacation with her and her little group of friends and they always room together. I think they've hooked up but she denies it. I was trying to be cupid all evening. He is surprisingly good looking for someone his age. I don't think she is gonna go for it, but at least I tried all evening long haha.

Afterwards, the whole family headed over to see Danny at his going away party at a bar/restaurant. He's joining the special forces. If anyone needs to know who this is, he lived next door to me for about six years, and his whole family became like my family and he became sort of like a big brother. I hadn't seen his mom Belinda in SO long. She was like my second mother when she lived here. She's kind of like my mom, except she is a little younger and way bubblier and kind of girlier. Her and I just gossiped all night about people at the bar haha. She is definitely one of my favorite people of all time... And I can only say that about a handful of people. Jeremy and Matt had left earlier so we missed them. Danny apparently got married last night, which is ridiculous. I still remember him being 12 years old with braces. I can't believe how old we are now. It was a good night though. When we were leaving, I gave him some hugs, and he told Molly and I that "they issue me guns, so as your acting older brother I need to tell you that if anyone messes with you, call me. I'll give you my digits and when you call, it's specifically for beating purposes." I really miss them sometimes. It was like an extension of our immediate family when they lived here. We'd go camping, have little sleepovers, swim, get in the hot tub, it was great. We had so much fun.

I'm getting excited for Ashleigh's wedding. Her bachelorette party should be really fun. They're getting a hotel room, possibly a party bus and then going out drinking. I'm not quite old enough but I'll pregame or something. Or sneak drinks. The wedding reception hopefully will be awesome. I'm going to dance all night long, and hopefully work some of my magic. Whatever my "magic" is. I don't know specifically what that means, but all I know is that I'm going to make it a good night for myself in a few different aspects haha. I'll just leave it at that. I'll add that I do look extremely attractive in my dress and heels. No man or woman can resist the advances of a sexy brunette in that dress and heels, I'm sorry. No one.

Summer is at the beginning of it's end, so I'm going to go enjoy my pool before we have to close it.

Does anyone want to go see Ryan Adams? I'd love it if someone would accompany me.

2008-08-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

Last night was crazy. I went to Shannon's for Stephen's second-to-last-night-in-town get together. Had some beers. Also took pictures with five dudes in their boxers. I don't know how everyone got in their underwear last night. Josh and Keith started it and then everyone else just followed suit, and I even did it. Then we proceeded to take like 100 pictures of us just goofing around in our underwear. Afterwards Josh, Stephen and Caleb came over at literally 5am and we swam in cold ass water until 6:30, when I eventually passed out. It was a pretty okay night. They're having a last hoorah for Stephen tonight before he moves to Nashville in the morning.

Class starts next week. I go Tuesdays from 9-1:30 and then a class from 6-9, and Thursdays from 9-1:30.

Speaking of class, I'm moving out tomorrow! I've gotta get up kind of early and get all my shit in the truck. I don't have much, just basics for now. I've got the busiest day tomorrow. Moving in, helping at my Grandma's class reunion (why they want hawaiian ice there is beyond me), then Danny's going away party/engagement party at some bar tomorrow night. I haven't seen him in so long, Belinda either. They lived next door for so long they're family. I feel so bad that we haven't had the time to go visit them at all. I've seen Matt and Jeremy since their move, but I haven't seen anyone else. I'm very excited to be going.

I realized last night that although I haven't spent much time with him or even know him that well, I still think he is very hilarious, interesting and I am extremely attracted to him physically. I would definitely love nothing more than to get to know him better in the next couple of months. I haven't really had feelings for anyone since Johnny and I split. I've had dates and what not, but I knew those weren't going anywhere. It feels nice to be able to have feelings for someone, or in my case now, potentially have feelings for someone in the near future. I still don't know him very well at all, but at this point it is safe to say I want to pursue something. If nothing else, make a friend and get to know someone who I think is very interesting. Only time will tell at this point.

I just feel like it's time to move on from everything in my past. All the heartache I've suffered with a handful of people, I need to let go. I've let most of it go but I haven't quite let go of one. God knows I loved him more than anything in this entire world and I definitely loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. Of that I am completely sure. But I can either try to get over it now, or suffer more and get over it later. I'm not going to let my past ruin my future anymore. From this day on, I'll savor the good times I had with him but I'm going to do my best to move on, pursue this new guy, and focus on only that. I think it's the best decision I can possibly make for myself right now.

I've got a busy couple of days ahead of me. I'll try to upload those crazy pictures from last night if they ever surface on the internet this weekend.

2008-08-22T03:41:00.000-07:00

granted i am tipsy right now, and it's 6:42 am, but i think i want him.

2008-08-21T20:59:00.001-07:00

I miss Lindsey. I truly do. Every single day.

2008-08-20T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'm in dire need of a drummer, guitarist, and possibly even bassist. If you'd like to start a band with me, PLEASE do not hesitate to tell me! Here is what I'm looking for: Male or female musicians with pretty good voices, perhaps someone who can read music, who is really good at writing music, who has (or is capable of writing) lyrics, and who wouldn't mind doing a bunch of different things and not just playing one genre of music. To give you some examples, I'd like to sound like Broken Social Scene, The Avett Brothers, Band Of Horses, Ryan Adams, Wilco, Rilo Kiley, Interpol, My Morning Jacket, and The Good Life all rolled into one. It'll be like an indie rock/bluegrass/folk band. All our songs will sound different. If you know someone who wants to do that, or you do, I will be glad to hear from you. I want to also book some shows too. As soon as we get our shit together of course.

So this is me, in real time. My hair is shorter and curly. It's weird, but it's a nice change. I'll be honest though, I can't wait until it grows out like four more inches and the perm wears off. I am destined to have long straight hair forever, and I'm okay with it.

Also in other news, The Dark Knight is scheduled to come out on DVD sometime in December, or so I read on the interweb. I cannot wait. I'm going to hold movie nights where all we do is sit around, drink, eat popcorn and watch that movie. Okay maybe not all the time. But it WILL happen at least twice.

Molly is turning 17 on September 20th, and I'm throwing her a party the day before. I hope everyone comes. It'll be like the last hoorah before it starts getting cold. I can't believe summer is almost over. More importantly, I can't believe she is already 17!

I need good in-school job suggestions. I'm going to try to shoot for a job by October 25. Something close, preferrably in Highland Heights by where I'll be living so I can walk to work or take the shuttle. But anywhere in NKY/Cincy really. Any good ideas? Pay is irrelevant.

I've got nothing of real interest to say, just advertising for things.

P.S. I've realized that as a general rule, I usually don't ever date anyone who wasn't born and raised in Kentucky. I don't do it on purpose, but I've just never really been that into people from Ohio. Now that I think about it, everyone born in Ohio is so weird to me. Even though I was born and raised here on the brink of Cincinnati, I still identify with Kentucky and the southern parts of it. I have always hated Ohio, and every person I've ever tried to be interested in from Ohio just sucks. It's amazing what difference a 10-20 some mile distance makes. You can be from here and be totally awesome or you can live right across the river and suck terribly. Crazy how that works.

2008-08-19T19:21:00.001-07:00

Maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe they don't. I haven't been able to find comfort in anything since the split last year. Time keeps passing but I feel like it's standing still for me. I am in the same place, I've got the same sad feeling, and I still think about him every day. He has since moved on I am sure, and that really bothers me. It bothers me to think that I'm forgotten, when I have done everything but forget. I try so hard to move on, it's just not been so easy for me. I'm in a bad place. I need something to lift me up, and make me feel alive again. I've been running on a quarter tank of gas lately. I can't get excited about much.

I'm really hoping someone wonderful comes along soon. I can't spend every second of my life wishing things were different because they won't be. Maybe some things will start changing for me. But how long am I going to try to convince myself of that before it actually happens?

Who knows what the future holds for me. I want to say good things, but that may not be true. I wanted nothing more than to start a life with him and eventually get married and have a family. It hurts to think that will happen with someone who isn't me. It should have been me. I was meant for that I think.

I need some distractions, really soon. I'm hoping for this new guy to work out. If nothing else, it will help me. With what? I'm not sure. We will see.

2008-08-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

i get my hair cut and permed tomorrow. it's been about 8 months since my hair has been cut. it's really long. i think heather and i might venture to clifton later, hopefully ben comes along.

i worked hawaiian ice today. my mom and i got some quality time in, just watching the olympics and probably going over the days limit of sugar intake with snowcones. it was an okay time.

i get to see this wonderful man october third, and let me just say that I'M PUMPED!

six months and the 2009 bonnaroo lineup should be revealed. my bonnaroo dvd should arrive sometime before christmas. i hope i'm in it. i tried to get in it every time a camera was around. those of you who ordered one, when you see ben folds play, look for us because i'm pretty sure we were so close that the camera was three feet away.

my dress comes in tomorrow. i hope it fits. i ordered it now just in case. ashleigh's wedding is the 13th of september so i've got little time to prepare myself costume wise. i've got a date lined up as of earlier today, and i plan on making it a great evening for myself. i haven't had one in a long long time.

i move in 5 days. i must do laundry. every article of clothing i own needs to be washed, otherwise i have to pay for it over there or keep coming home to get my stuff. i can't wait for the first day of class. i'm excited to start a new semester, and i'm going to try to leave all my baggage out of my schoolwork this time.

i have recently realized that i am always thirsty, no matter how much i drink. i drank two cups of coffee, 10 bottles of water, and a coke zero yesterday. what is wrong with me?

i am going to have an end of summer/back to school/fall is here and winter is right around the corner party soon. maybe at the end of september. molly's birthday is coming up, maybe i should throw her a party.

i can't believe my birthday is already passed. i can't believe i am 20. i can't believe i'm starting my third year of college in a week or so. where did the time go?

2008-08-16T21:57:00.001-07:00

it's quite amazing how you can just push someone out of your life, who at one time meant a whole hell of a lot to you. and in such a short amount of time. it really does amaze me. i still haven't quite figured out how someone can do that.

all i know is, i need a serious date for ashleigh and geoff's wedding. like, a romantic date. i think i have someone in mind. but who knows. does anyone want to be my date? it is strictly a romantic date. i haven't had a good date in a long time. i'll look pretty, you won't be disappointed. :)

2008-08-16T00:13:00.001-07:00

i miss you so much tonight.

2008-08-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below
So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

Move on over

2008-08-14T19:31:00.001-07:00

Screw Michael Phelps. Helloooooo, Ryan Lochte.

Oh yeah. Babe.

:)

2008-08-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

I had a terrible day yesterday... Until I decided to go out around 10. I picked Troy up and we headed up to Sitwell's for food. They stopped serving just about damn near everything so we just got a cup of coffee and watched men's swimming there. We dominated, by the way. Go America.

Afterwards, we drove over to Northside and went to this bar where John Hays was, and our friend's band was playing, and I have to say they are pretty legit and I enjoyed listening to them. They really make me want to start a band, and after years of talking about starting one, I am dead set on having a band together by next Spring. Mark my words!

We left after they got done playing, and drove to Highland Heights Kroger to get some grub and prepare it back at his house. I got to drive past where I'll be living in ten days. It looks awesome. It's a stone's throw to restaurants, Kroger, and campus. I might actually like it.

Last night, I was texting him nearly all evening. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I can't help but get excited about this. It might not turn out to be anything at all, but... This might just be the start of something. It's far too early to tell, but I still smile every time I hear my phone go off.

I'm so excited to start school. To start a band finally. To maybe start a new chapter in my life. Things will be changing for me soon. I can feel it. The night is darkest just before the dawn, and that sun is slowly rising every day. That may sound cliche, but I don't care. I'm savoring this moment, because I feel okay for once.

random thoughts

2008-08-12T01:12:00.000-07:00

i get to go back to scotland and england for two weeks in fall 2010, if things go the way they are supposed to. i'm pretty excited for this.

my morning jacket is saturday. i hope i can find someone to drag along to louisville.

i'm full of mixed emotions about just damn near everything.

i can't wait to move in. i get to the 23rd, or at least they said upperclassmen get to. since this is my third year, i guess this makes me an upperclassman. but just barely. i definitely need to get fucking moving in school and stop screwing around.

i've lost a few pounds. i am now motivated to keep with it.

today, a very attractive guy at abuelo's gave molly and i free food when we went to place a carry out order. it was quite nice.

i have sun poisoning on the inside of my arm. all i want to do is tan my legs and i can't do that, because my arms need to stay out of the sunlight until this is gone. it's a huge bummer.

i seriously need to get on a regular sleeping schedule. when classes start, i'm gonna be all screwed up.

i love the summer, but i can't wait for it to be over. in fact, i can't wait for the entire year to be over. i really want christmas to come and go as quick as it can, because this year has just been terrible for me.

nick is getting worse every day i think. it might be the end for him. i am very sad.

i love the black keys.

i need to quit drinking. for a while. i make terrible decisions while intoxicated. i need to quit it.

meghan and i are going to organize a party next summer for my mom and her best friend. they will be friends for 40 years next year. since kindergarden. that is insane. i can only hope for a friendship like that.

i'd like to visit chicago again before the weather gets cold. i highly doubt this will happen, but it's a nice thought.

i just bought 50 bucks worth of stuff off the internet. i need to stop spending. but, the dress i got sure is amazing. i keep telling myself i had to buy it for ashleigh and geoff's wedding. and i did, i don't have anything to wear. yeah, i have to justify my purchases to myself. i always feel terrible when i spend money i don't have.

talk show host might be my favorite radiohead song.

the dark knight in imax. it's happening.

i may have a small crush on someone, but i am not sure yet. you know when you think you might be attracted to someone, and then you spend time with that person, and you either definitely like them or you definitely don't? that is what this is. i haven't had too much time, so it's up in the air. but we'll see soon enough. i won't get my hopes up though. most things like this have not worked out in my favor.

i need to buy books, but i am so broke it's not even funny.

does anyone ever feel like taking a break from life? better question: what can i do to take a break from my entire life for a while? maybe just a few days. and also, does anyone want to buy me a wii for christmas?

i have to buy twin sheets for my bed in my dorm. i want to buy a whole set, and i want it to be the most ridiculous comforter set ever so my roommate thinks i am weird. she is already going to think that the first week we move in anyway. i just want spiderman sheets. that's all i want.

i am addicted to this game on pogo. sometimes, i will play it for a while and look down, and three hours will have passed and i didn't even know i was playing so long. i haven't played it for a while since i realized it can totally suck me in and make me waste valuable hours of my life that i could be using to do constructive things.

get me to the gulf coast beach... as soon as humanly possible.

i really want my hair to be curly. i need to call ben. i'm getting very bored with my hair. plus it wouldn't hurt to have a self esteem boost here soon.

james franco is a sexy man. extremely sexy. i can't even begin to say just how sexy he really is without being extremely turned on. no joke.

i miss a few people. way too much sometimes.

i am in dire need of a massage. my back and neck are in so much pain right now.

it's 4:48. i need to try to sleep, but i doubt it'll come.

2008-08-11T00:49:00.001-07:00

I just have a feeling that just maybe... Something is going to be happening to me soon. I won't know it until it happens, and I really don't even know what this could mean, it's just this feeling I've got.

I really hope something does come my way. I can give no examples because it could be such a broad spectrum of things that could come in a lot of forms. All I know, is that it needs to be happening soon. I miss the feeling of being happy. Give me something, anything.

rant for the day

2008-08-09T18:51:00.000-07:00

i really hate when people improperly use commas. especially excessively.

i'm going out to party. oh, and i still hate my life.

2008-08-07T01:41:00.001-07:00

Trying to forget last year, and him, has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to try to do. I'm not doing so well, either. I'm no good at letting this go. I'm trying not to let it affect so much of my daily life, but when you've got depression and the love of your life is no longer with you, it's hard to keep the sadness at bay. It lingers over me. Every minute of every day I'm trying to focus on something else, to push it out of my head for a while. But there it continues to stay. It's fucking difficult to get over, I won't lie. I'm not going to sit and pretend like he wasn't the best thing that had ever happened to me, because honestly he was. It's hard to stomach that he isn't here, and not only that, he is with someone else. In September it'll be a year since we broke up. I can't believe it, it feels like it was only a few short months ago, which is kind of true. The last time I saw him was February. The last time we spoke was in April I think. In my mind, it's still fresh, and I can't even begin to imagine being with someone else. Everyone else just doesn't seem good enough. I compare everyone to everything that he was, and if I keep doing that, I'll never be happy with anyone. I just wish things didn't end up this way. I'm not even sure why. I guess it was just too much all at one time. The reason we broke up in the first place was nothing huge. A tiny little offense that snowballed at the worst possible time. We just never got the chance to have a normal relationship. It's what ultimately destroyed it. Love isn't enough. I loved him more than anyone ever will, and it still wasn't enough. I am thankful for that little time I did get to spend with him, because I'll tell you, there wasn't any other time I can think of in my life when I was happier than when I was with him. It could have been a wonderful relationship that could have ultimately turned out to be something permanent. We were just never given the chance to experience it, and that's such a sad thing. Neither of us are ever going to know just how amazing it could have been. If he ever decided that he wanted to find out, I'd gladly find out with him. As long as I still love him, I don't think I could ever be with anyone else, because it would only be second best. I don't want to live the rest of my life with second best. I want all or nothing. That's it. I doubt very much that our paths will cross again in the future, as much as I hope to God they do. If they don't, they don't. There isn't anything I can do about it. I may be very lonely, but at least I can say with honesty that I never sold myself short, and I experienced a kind of love that I now know lives on probably forever. I was completely his, always, the entire time. From beginning to end. I still would be, today. And I am very proud to say that I experienced that. It was beautiful, it was life changing, and I'll never forget it. I've got nothing but good things to say about him, and I'm not bitter about it anymore. I am very sad, and I do cry about it often, but I had it. And that, to me, is better than never at all. It's better than anything. The things that I do in my years to come, I'm sure, will be wonderful and thrilling and great, but I won't ever appreciate anything like I do him and what once was. I wish to someday tell him just how much he really means to me.

2008-08-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

If you ever decide to be part of my life again, no matter the timing... In a year, in five years, I'll be here. I'll be waiting.

2008-08-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

I just had the worst dream. I wish they would stop.

No one really knows just how miserable I really am on a day to day basis. I hide it well. Just know, that sometimes I want to jump off a fucking cliff.

Happy Birthday to me.

2008-08-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

I guarantee that this birthday will be nowhere near as meaningful as my last one.

I sure do miss you, a lot. More than I can say.