Why do some people wish they were older? Like if you're 17 you cannot wait until 18. If you're 20 you can't wait to get to 21. And when you are 25 you're just counting the days until you're 30. Why does everyone want to be older? Being young is a joy. I wish I could go back instead of forward sometimes. I'd love to re-live my childhood with the knowledge I have now. I'd definitely change a lot of things. Or just simply enjoy being ten years old again, when nothing in the world really mattered and my heart was fully in-tact. I'd just like to see what if, you know? What if I would have went to that party, or got that person's number, or went on that vacation, or saw that movie on that Tuesday night I wasn't doing anything. Things could have been completely different. I'm not saying I'm not happy with my current life and the way things are happening and the people I know and love. Most of the people and parts of my life are good ones, and I'm happy for them. But everyone has their pain. Everyone has that someone they will never forget, as much as they want to.

I guess the time passing and getting older just makes me sad. It doesn't seem like it now, but one day I'll wake up and I'm not going to be 20 anymore, I'll be 40. 50. even 60. I sometimes feel like I'm wasting my youth just trying to find the missing pieces of myself. But most of all, every day that passes, everyone I meet, every little thing I do just fills the space between Johnny and I. With every little thing I do, even typing this, creates more distance. Soon enough, I'll hardly remember him, but with a few saved mementos from our relationship and a few pictures. I've already forgotten how it feels to kiss him, and I can't hear his laughter in my head anymore.

This does give me opportunity to find someone new, and to fall in love again. And I'm sure it will happen someday. But I am just afraid that I won't be able to give my whole heart to someone else. I think Johnny will always have part of it, until the day I die. I'm afraid I'll never accept a marriage proposal someday because I know I could never marry someone when I've got even a tiny little ounce of longing for someone else, even if I haven't seen him in a very long time. I know all of my friends are sick and fucking tired of hearing about this, and I'll be honest, I'm sick and tired of talking about how heartbroken I am. I truly am. I'm sick and tired of looking over my shoulder in public places. Sick and tired of making decisions with him in the back of my mind. And I'm really sick and tired of how much it's still bothering me a year later.

I want to have something worth waking up for in the morning.

Happy 32nd Birthday.

Sorry to everyone whom I have been kind of avoiding, or who are always waiting for me to call them back and I never do, or who I've cancelled plans on many times. I am not doing this to be a terrible friend. It's just some days it's hard to even go outside, let alone get out of bed. I have been becoming a recluse increasingly more lately, and I'm not doing it on purpose. I just don't have the energy, and sometimes quite frankly, I don't have the want to. Sometimes my days and nights just blur together in one long continuous sad moment. On the rare occasion I'm having a relatively OK day and you do finally see me, I try to appear happy, and I apologize if you can tell I'm being a huge buzz-kill. It's just that masking my depression has grown into such a tedious task, and sometimes I'm not even up to it. I'm not trying to be a terrible friend on purpose, but I know I've been coming off that way lately. If you can just bear with me through this seemingly endless rough patch I seem to be having, I think I can overcome it. I'm not sure when, and I sure as hell don't know how. But I'm honestly trying. Trying to fix it, trying to fix myself.

I've just had a terrible time letting a major chapter of my life go and come to a complete close. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like when you find old pictures of people who were once significant parts of your life, but now they just seem like some distant memory. Instead of throwing them away, you put them all in a shoebox and tuck it away in a corner of the room rarely visited. Not because you hope one day these people come back into your life per se, you just keep them in case you want to remember good times you had with them. Remember those good times when you seem to be at your lowest. I don't know why I can't simply just end the chapter, close the book. I've never really been too good at it, and I obviously have no subconscious intention of doing it now. I hope someday to forget all of the things that transpired from late 2007 to now. I'm not sure how long it will take, and I completely understand that it isn't going to be easy and I will probably need help; albeit professional or from friends and family. Or maybe just inner strength. But I do realize there is room for improvement, even a need for it. Perhaps I need a change of scenery, or a new task to take on. Although I haven't quite figured out exactly what I need to do to take some positive steps in the right directions, I do know I want everyone I've been a little cold to lately to know how sincerely sorry I am for this. And if you could stick by me through it, you won't regret it and I would be eternally grateful. Besides, there's nowhere to go but up from here... Right?

To say I don't ever miss him and I'm not thinking about him at least once every day, is a stretch for sure.

2008 has most definitely, undoubtedly, completely, entirely, without question, 100% been the worst year of my life, and I can't wait for it to fucking be over.

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

I've been feeling okay the last month or so. For no one particular reason really, maybe a culmination of little reasons. Some days aren't so great, but some days are deemed "good", at least by my standard of good.

But some days, I'm miserable. I truly try to forget all the time, and some days I even succeed not thinking about it once. But once I'm reminded, I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. They stay there, sometimes for a really long time. And although it may seem like I'm happy or at least fine, inside I'm falling apart. And it's my own fault, I don't like talking about him, don't like when people bring him up, don't like when I have to think about anything even remotely related to something about him. I actually hate it. So I avoid it, I hardly ever talk about it, and there it lingers in the back of my head. Sometimes it makes my heart feel like it weighs a thousand pounds. It really hurts. I'm thinking I could talk to someone about this, but I don't know how much good it will do.

Of course I'm willing to move on, especially with new prospects on the horizon. Actually, I never want to get my hopes up about these kinds of things, especially in this fragile state.

I think I can't move on because I'm alone, and I know he isn't. I'm unhappy and I know he probably isn't. He left me in the shittiest way possible, and I don't feel like I got the proper closure I wanted. Maybe I wasn't ready to close that chapter of my life.

I just can't explain the despair I feel when these thoughts cross my mind. It's like it never even happened sometimes, and then other times it's like it happened yesterday. Sometimes I forget entirely.

I did however have a wonderful time with someone else recently. The first person whom I actually felt a closeness with in almost a year, and it was really nice. It was nice to know that there is someone else out there with things to offer, and I just have to be willing to accept it. Can I say that this particular person is the one? No, I can't. To be honest I doubt that it will even continue on past a friendship. Sure, I like him. But, it's totally fine. I'm going into things not expecting too much. That way, if nothing comes of it I won't be too disappointed, and if something does, it'll be a wonderful surprise. For now, I'm serious about just laying low in the whole relationship department. If it happens, that's great. But am I going to actively pursue something at the moment? Probably not. I know if love wants to find me again, it will. It's done it before, and I'm sure it will do it again. But I just think it's too soon for love at the moment. I know I won't ever pass up an opportunity at it, but I will know it when I see it. I'm going to be very careful in my decisions.

If I've weathered the worst part of the storm so far, I know I can get through the rest. It's always going to get worse before it gets better. I'm not sure if I'm still stuck in the "worse" part, but if I am, I have nothing to look forward to but the better.

i know what i need and i know what i want in a relationship. right down to the littlest of details. i'm not "confused" and i don't feel i am too young to settle and be in a relationship. i don't have a hard time trusting people. i think i'm an excellent girlfriend. i give as much as i receive. i'm not selfish, i don't make everything about me. i'm passionate in every aspect: passionate about my significant other, passionate in the sexual aspect, passionate in the emotional and mental aspect. i'm not one of those women who start fights for no reason, who are always checking up on you, who are difficult to read. i tell you what i'm thinking, i tell you what i want, but in the best and most comforting way i know how. i'm not cold nor am i a prude. i think sex is a big part of feeling close to someone you love, and i don't hold out on it. i know when to give space but also when to be comforting when you're feeling alone. i'm not perfect, but i know what i want out of someone, and i give nothing less than what i would expect in a relationship, plain and simple. i've made mistakes at times and i will continue making mistakes, but i know i have a lot to offer.

i'm just looking for a specific kind of person. i'm sorry, but i won't end up settling for anything less than exactly what i want.

would there be things i'd change from my past? yes. hell yes. but the fact of the matter is, i can't go back and undo those things. all i can do is look toward the future and not dwell. forgive those who've wronged me, forget those who are no longer in my life, and hope that other forgive me for the wrong steps i've taken in life. it's really all you can do. you can't spend your life dwelling on the past for whatever reason you are, whether it was a great or terrible past. it's done, it's over. you can remember it or spend your life trying to forget. but one thing is certain: the future is all you've got right now in this moment. why not make it the one you've always wanted? don't worry about the things you can't control, forget them and move on. if you don't, they will consume you with sadness and regret, and you don't need that kind of negativity festering. i've realized in life that one of the most rewarding things is letting something go. in every sense of the word. forgetting a terrible past, letting a person go who has decided to not be a part of your life anymore, and accepting the good things that probably won't ever be again. sure, all of this creates intricate webs in your life and sometimes things that have happened to you shape who you are. i understand this. but why let something terrible shape who you are as a person? life sucks for everyone, don't think you're the only one going through it. for every time you feel really shitty, i guarantee someone is feeling the exact same, or even worse than you. the universal human experience is pain i think. everyone experiences it differently, and everyone is affected by it differently. you just need to choose which kind of person you're going to be; the kind that lets the negativity consume your day to day life forever, or the person who keeps the past in the past and realizes people make mistakes. mistakes on your end or someone else's. everyone does things for their own reasons and sometimes they don't intentionally try to hurt you but try to heal from other things themselves. if anyone can sit here and say that they've never fucked up, they're a damn liar. everyone has, and everyone will.

so let shit go. don't dwell on the past. instead of wasting your time wishing things were different, make things better for yourself. heal relationships or heal yourself, but don't waste the little time you have on this earth with regrets, grudges, or anything like that. you've always got time to make things better for yourself no matter what. even if you aren't as happy as maybe you would have been before, you can still find some sort of inner peace and accept what's happened, learn from it, and don't ever make the same mistake again. we can all just hope that whatever happens, it's happening for a better reason. you just need to hold on and wait for that better reason to come along.