It's not all too fun when you realize that the feelings you have for someone who is kind of shitty are still there. Not only still there, but strong. I hate it. In the last 48 hours I've been trying to talk myself out of it. I don't know why in the hell I still want him. But for the very first time after Johnny, the very first time after I was madly, deeply, 100% head over heels in love, I feel something truly real for someone else. I didn't think it was possible, but apparently it is. I'm not sure what to do about the whole thing, because it obviously isn't going anywhere and hasn't been since December. I just wish he could see the potential of what could be. I would love nothing more than to be a girlfriend again. I think it's the best thing I do. I know how to take care of someone. I just keep thinking back to when Johnny and I were together. I remember that being the best relationship I've ever had, and it will probably always be. But I know I can start over again with someone new. It's entirely possible to put everything else aside and go full force with the relationship, for the first time in a year and a half. I'm ready.

The problem is, the only person in the world I can think of that I'd be willing to be with at all, is cold, uninterested and generally kind of a jerk. I don't know what I should do. I guess in this situation you can't do anything; you just have to keep doing what you're doing and hope one day either this situation changes or someone else comes along.

Even if we're never together, the simple fact I could open myself up to someone after being sad for so long is kind of terrifying. The fact that someone else has access to my heart and emotions and can hurt me at any time is so fucking scary to me. I never want to go through that again. I need to keep my distance from him but it's really hard to.

Don't ever take for granted for one second the things you have. Don't think that they will be there tomorrow, because that's what I thought and I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't do anything to ruin it. Keep it as long as you can.

I want to live life duty free
Let my instincts take the lead
I want to take what I can get
Don’t want to choose don’t want to bet
I want down from this family tree
I don’t need no upward mobility

I want to unlearn what I’ve learned
Want to unearn what I’ve earned
Want to burn my bridges down
Find a place I can’t be found
This is my manifesto destiny
Tear down this awkward mobility

Because I’m tired of standing upright
The taller we become the more dollars we can grab from that highest branch
And then step on your back given the chance
But not me, I’m a bipedal backpedaler just as sure footed as I can

I’m no high society man
No suit and tie, no daper Dan
I’m no happy family man
I’m no husband, ain’t no dad
I’m a God damn caveman
This upward mobility is more than I can understand

I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it
I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it
I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it

I’d rather be on hands and knees
Yeah I’d rather be swinging in the trees
With the monkeys and the junkies and bums and slobs and jailbird canaries
Yeah that’s me, I’m a bipedal backpedaler from sea to shining sea

Bonnaroo Band #6

Why do things have to be so damn difficult?

Love

I can't stress enough how much I love my friends. Sometimes I will be by myself driving or sitting around not doing much, and just start thinking about how awesome it is to know such amazing people. Seriously, if I wasn't surrounded with such intelligent, funny, caring, forgiving, beautiful, and all around great girls, I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that I wouldn't be the same me I am today. I am so fortunate and grateful to know the people I know, and to have such amazing best friends who mean the absolute world to me.

Thank you for sticking it out with me through the tough times, the times when I may have been shitty, the times I've been upset, the times when I should have been a better friend. It's been a hell of a year for me and I can't thank all of you enough who have stuck by me throughout it all. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't come without arguments, emotional setbacks, and overall difficult times. But I know that things are getting better and I'm getting better. I know I am a good person with good intentions, I just get lost at times. I love all of you and always will, and I know we will be friends for the rest of our lives regardless of what may happen.

I am so fucking aggravated right now, I couldn't even begin to explain why without throwing my computer straight across the room, smashing it into a million pieces.

Quick update/Bonnaroo Band #5

So, there is this boy I've been talking to for quite some time now online, probably close to about a year this April and I can't wait to meet him. He is funny, cute, in school, gets me, easy to talk to, and awesome which are all important things to me. I'm not entirely sure why we haven't met in person yet. He live in Clifton and goes to DAAP. Things have been so busy for the both of us when school is in, and when it isn't in, he's at home in Pennsylvania. But I'm really hoping we can work something out really soon. My spring break is next week and when he has his break and everything calms down and we both have down time, we can find some time to hang out. I've never wanted to meet someone so badly. Mainly because he is such a mystery to me, and it will be great to be able to talk in person and know he really exists.

Anyway, I did AWESOME on one of my midterm exams today. I've got two more Thursday and Friday, Biology homework due Friday and I'm about to kick all of their asses. Lindsey, hurry up and come to NKU so we can study together and hang out every day, please and thank you.

I'm sure I will have more interesting updates during/after spring break.

Bonnaroo Band #5 - Jenny Lewis

I don't really need to say much else. Everyone knows and loves her. How could you not? She is beautiful and has a beautiful voice. This time she's coming back to the Roo sans Rilo Kiley and on her own. I can't wait.

I spent the best years of my life
Waiting on the best years of my life
So what's there to write about?
What have I done?
What have I done?
So is this my destiny?
From starlight into eternity
The gods must be laughing down at me
A traveling salesmen at twenty years old
Stranded in Ann Arbor with a flat tire
And I watch the sun sadly set
Any younger, I may have wept
Much older, I wouldn't notice
But I was out there in the world
Yeah, then the world, it passed me by
I was telling everyone back home 
That I was taking it by storm 
Instead, I watched it from the roadside
What have I done?
What have I done?