I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below
So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

Move on over

Screw Michael Phelps. Helloooooo, Ryan Lochte.



Oh yeah. Babe.

:)

I had a terrible day yesterday... Until I decided to go out around 10. I picked Troy up and we headed up to Sitwell's for food. They stopped serving just about damn near everything so we just got a cup of coffee and watched men's swimming there. We dominated, by the way. Go America.

Afterwards, we drove over to Northside and went to this bar where John Hays was, and our friend's band was playing, and I have to say they are pretty legit and I enjoyed listening to them. They really make me want to start a band, and after years of talking about starting one, I am dead set on having a band together by next Spring. Mark my words!

We left after they got done playing, and drove to Highland Heights Kroger to get some grub and prepare it back at his house. I got to drive past where I'll be living in ten days. It looks awesome. It's a stone's throw to restaurants, Kroger, and campus. I might actually like it.

Last night, I was texting him nearly all evening. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I can't help but get excited about this. It might not turn out to be anything at all, but... This might just be the start of something. It's far too early to tell, but I still smile every time I hear my phone go off.

I'm so excited to start school. To start a band finally. To maybe start a new chapter in my life. Things will be changing for me soon. I can feel it. The night is darkest just before the dawn, and that sun is slowly rising every day. That may sound cliche, but I don't care. I'm savoring this moment, because I feel okay for once.

random thoughts

i get to go back to scotland and england for two weeks in fall 2010, if things go the way they are supposed to. i'm pretty excited for this.

my morning jacket is saturday. i hope i can find someone to drag along to louisville.

i'm full of mixed emotions about just damn near everything.

i can't wait to move in. i get to the 23rd, or at least they said upperclassmen get to. since this is my third year, i guess this makes me an upperclassman. but just barely. i definitely need to get fucking moving in school and stop screwing around.

i've lost a few pounds. i am now motivated to keep with it.

today, a very attractive guy at abuelo's gave molly and i free food when we went to place a carry out order. it was quite nice.

i have sun poisoning on the inside of my arm. all i want to do is tan my legs and i can't do that, because my arms need to stay out of the sunlight until this is gone. it's a huge bummer.

i seriously need to get on a regular sleeping schedule. when classes start, i'm gonna be all screwed up.

i love the summer, but i can't wait for it to be over. in fact, i can't wait for the entire year to be over. i really want christmas to come and go as quick as it can, because this year has just been terrible for me.

nick is getting worse every day i think. it might be the end for him. i am very sad.

i love the black keys.

i need to quit drinking. for a while. i make terrible decisions while intoxicated. i need to quit it.

meghan and i are going to organize a party next summer for my mom and her best friend. they will be friends for 40 years next year. since kindergarden. that is insane. i can only hope for a friendship like that.

i'd like to visit chicago again before the weather gets cold. i highly doubt this will happen, but it's a nice thought.

i just bought 50 bucks worth of stuff off the internet. i need to stop spending. but, the dress i got sure is amazing. i keep telling myself i had to buy it for ashleigh and geoff's wedding. and i did, i don't have anything to wear. yeah, i have to justify my purchases to myself. i always feel terrible when i spend money i don't have.

talk show host might be my favorite radiohead song.

the dark knight in imax. it's happening.

i may have a small crush on someone, but i am not sure yet. you know when you think you might be attracted to someone, and then you spend time with that person, and you either definitely like them or you definitely don't? that is what this is. i haven't had too much time, so it's up in the air. but we'll see soon enough. i won't get my hopes up though. most things like this have not worked out in my favor.

i need to buy books, but i am so broke it's not even funny.

does anyone ever feel like taking a break from life? better question: what can i do to take a break from my entire life for a while? maybe just a few days. and also, does anyone want to buy me a wii for christmas?

i have to buy twin sheets for my bed in my dorm. i want to buy a whole set, and i want it to be the most ridiculous comforter set ever so my roommate thinks i am weird. she is already going to think that the first week we move in anyway. i just want spiderman sheets. that's all i want.

i am addicted to this game on pogo. sometimes, i will play it for a while and look down, and three hours will have passed and i didn't even know i was playing so long. i haven't played it for a while since i realized it can totally suck me in and make me waste valuable hours of my life that i could be using to do constructive things.

get me to the gulf coast beach... as soon as humanly possible.

i really want my hair to be curly. i need to call ben. i'm getting very bored with my hair. plus it wouldn't hurt to have a self esteem boost here soon.

james franco is a sexy man. extremely sexy. i can't even begin to say just how sexy he really is without being extremely turned on. no joke.

i miss a few people. way too much sometimes.

i am in dire need of a massage. my back and neck are in so much pain right now.

it's 4:48. i need to try to sleep, but i doubt it'll come.

I just have a feeling that just maybe... Something is going to be happening to me soon. I won't know it until it happens, and I really don't even know what this could mean, it's just this feeling I've got.

I really hope something does come my way. I can give no examples because it could be such a broad spectrum of things that could come in a lot of forms. All I know, is that it needs to be happening soon. I miss the feeling of being happy. Give me something, anything.

rant for the day

i really hate when people improperly use commas. especially excessively.

i'm going out to party. oh, and i still hate my life.

Trying to forget last year, and him, has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to try to do. I'm not doing so well, either. I'm no good at letting this go. I'm trying not to let it affect so much of my daily life, but when you've got depression and the love of your life is no longer with you, it's hard to keep the sadness at bay. It lingers over me. Every minute of every day I'm trying to focus on something else, to push it out of my head for a while. But there it continues to stay. It's fucking difficult to get over, I won't lie. I'm not going to sit and pretend like he wasn't the best thing that had ever happened to me, because honestly he was. It's hard to stomach that he isn't here, and not only that, he is with someone else. In September it'll be a year since we broke up. I can't believe it, it feels like it was only a few short months ago, which is kind of true. The last time I saw him was February. The last time we spoke was in April I think. In my mind, it's still fresh, and I can't even begin to imagine being with someone else. Everyone else just doesn't seem good enough. I compare everyone to everything that he was, and if I keep doing that, I'll never be happy with anyone. I just wish things didn't end up this way. I'm not even sure why. I guess it was just too much all at one time. The reason we broke up in the first place was nothing huge. A tiny little offense that snowballed at the worst possible time. We just never got the chance to have a normal relationship. It's what ultimately destroyed it. Love isn't enough. I loved him more than anyone ever will, and it still wasn't enough. I am thankful for that little time I did get to spend with him, because I'll tell you, there wasn't any other time I can think of in my life when I was happier than when I was with him. It could have been a wonderful relationship that could have ultimately turned out to be something permanent. We were just never given the chance to experience it, and that's such a sad thing. Neither of us are ever going to know just how amazing it could have been. If he ever decided that he wanted to find out, I'd gladly find out with him. As long as I still love him, I don't think I could ever be with anyone else, because it would only be second best. I don't want to live the rest of my life with second best. I want all or nothing. That's it. I doubt very much that our paths will cross again in the future, as much as I hope to God they do. If they don't, they don't. There isn't anything I can do about it. I may be very lonely, but at least I can say with honesty that I never sold myself short, and I experienced a kind of love that I now know lives on probably forever. I was completely his, always, the entire time. From beginning to end. I still would be, today. And I am very proud to say that I experienced that. It was beautiful, it was life changing, and I'll never forget it. I've got nothing but good things to say about him, and I'm not bitter about it anymore. I am very sad, and I do cry about it often, but I had it. And that, to me, is better than never at all. It's better than anything. The things that I do in my years to come, I'm sure, will be wonderful and thrilling and great, but I won't ever appreciate anything like I do him and what once was. I wish to someday tell him just how much he really means to me.

If you ever decide to be part of my life again, no matter the timing... In a year, in five years, I'll be here. I'll be waiting.

I just had the worst dream. I wish they would stop.

No one really knows just how miserable I really am on a day to day basis. I hide it well. Just know, that sometimes I want to jump off a fucking cliff.

Happy Birthday to me.

I guarantee that this birthday will be nowhere near as meaningful as my last one.

I sure do miss you, a lot. More than I can say.