Please

Get out of my head.

When did we stop talking about things like adults? If you feel something (or don't) just let me know.

Chopped

You like?

Every thought, a thought of you.

Thoughts for the moment

I love getting high and doing some serious jamming to My Morning Jacket. I could sit there for two hours straight just listening to them and not move once. It's fantastic.

I hate when people ask me, "How have you been?" or "How are you?" all the time. I know its just a simple pleasantry and all, but I always feel like I'm lying when I say "I'm good."

I love Skype

He is the cutest thing I've seen in a while. I've been smiling all night and all day.

On another note, Lindsey is 21 today. Happy Birthday, I love you!

I hate that I'm writing about this again, but it's like he follows me around like a ghost.

Everywhere I go, whatever I do, he is there. His voice is in my ears, his car is driving past me, he's calling. I am conscious of him the entire 24 hours of the day, even the hours when I'm asleep. I can't escape him. He's like some sort of permanent imprint on my life, this sad nagging feeling that won't ever go away; That desperate feeling of wanting to know something, anything, about him now. He is the first thought in my head, the last right before I sleep. He's there when I am with someone else. He's there when I'm walking to class, when I'm driving my car, when I do anything.

He's here now, and I wish he wasn't. He's all that is motivating me and holding me back all at the same time.

You think it gets easier when someone is gone? No, it doesn't get easier. It's been 18 months and I just miss him even more now. It gets so much harder. More time passes, the people you once knew and loved are moving on with their life, changing everything, discovering new things about themselves, doing unbelievable things, while you are left here to think about all of it, all you are missing. All of the distance there is today, and how much more distance will be there tomorrow. Every day is worse than the day before it. You never stop loving someone, not for one minute. You can cry, or laugh, or pretend you have moved on all you damn well please. You can date around, you can party, you can surround yourself with the most attractive people, best friends, and supportive family. You can meet new people every day, have relationships with them, live the best days of your youth just being carefree. But you will still never stop loving them. Not for a single second. And you will never stop wondering "what if?" That question will haunt you for the rest of your life. I guarantee it.

To change our situations, we must first change our mindset.

One little song

Give me strength to leave the sad and the wrong

Buried safely in the past where I've been living

Alive, but unforgiving

Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

It's not all too fun when you realize that the feelings you have for someone who is kind of shitty are still there. Not only still there, but strong. I hate it. In the last 48 hours I've been trying to talk myself out of it. I don't know why in the hell I still want him. But for the very first time after Johnny, the very first time after I was madly, deeply, 100% head over heels in love, I feel something truly real for someone else. I didn't think it was possible, but apparently it is. I'm not sure what to do about the whole thing, because it obviously isn't going anywhere and hasn't been since December. I just wish he could see the potential of what could be. I would love nothing more than to be a girlfriend again. I think it's the best thing I do. I know how to take care of someone. I just keep thinking back to when Johnny and I were together. I remember that being the best relationship I've ever had, and it will probably always be. But I know I can start over again with someone new. It's entirely possible to put everything else aside and go full force with the relationship, for the first time in a year and a half. I'm ready.

The problem is, the only person in the world I can think of that I'd be willing to be with at all, is cold, uninterested and generally kind of a jerk. I don't know what I should do. I guess in this situation you can't do anything; you just have to keep doing what you're doing and hope one day either this situation changes or someone else comes along.

Even if we're never together, the simple fact I could open myself up to someone after being sad for so long is kind of terrifying. The fact that someone else has access to my heart and emotions and can hurt me at any time is so fucking scary to me. I never want to go through that again. I need to keep my distance from him but it's really hard to.

Don't ever take for granted for one second the things you have. Don't think that they will be there tomorrow, because that's what I thought and I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't do anything to ruin it. Keep it as long as you can.