Merry Christmas

Or something like that. I wouldn't call it merry. I'm not one to sound "above" Christmas or anything, or belittle its importance, but sometimes its a load of shit to me. Very few people in this world, and who I personally know, view Christmas as a time to share with family, a time to be courteous to strangers, to give and not worry about recieving. The holidays both calm me somewhat and make me utterly disgusted or depressed. It's just the winding down period for the year, time to spend with friends and family, and just relax and have some fun. But this year again, I am alone. I've got no one to share the good times with. Sure I've got family and a great group of friends (and I mean fantastic group of friends; I couldn't have asked for better friends), but I know that it isn't enough as much as I'd like it to be. And okay, I'm 20. But you know, you can be lonely and sad and miss people no matter what the age. If you've experienced love and it's been taken from you, no matter your age, it will hurt. Even if you haven't experienced it yet, there will always be that longing for something that went missing or something you're still trying to find.

It's just so hard to be positive about the future. I'm happy with my family, happy with friends, with school, with myself. But I think I'm always doing things half-heartedly. Because if I were to be truly honest with myself and with anyone, I'm not really happy as a whole. Some days are better than others but I haven't been happy in at least a year. And it's got a lot to do with Johnny I won't lie, but other things too. I always feel too ahead of my own age, but too young to do anything about it. I feel helpless sometimes. Lost and scared, not sure of what I'm going to do next. What is my next move in life? As soon as I'm done with college, what do I do? Will I be alone? Why do I still miss him? Sometimes he doesn't really bother me. I think about how happy he must be. Even if he isn't, I always try to picture him being completely satisfied with life. Because I do love and care for him, and I wouldn't wish my misery on someone so dear to my heart. But there are those nights when I almost hate him for leaving me. I know I don't, but my heart gets so heavy sometimes that I need to turn my sadness to anger, because I can't deal with the pain I feel any longer.

Life is so funny, isn't it? You think you've found everything you're looking for and sometimes you're blinded by things, almost consumed with the idea that this is the way things will be from now on. Well, I've learned first hand this year that things can change for you in the blink of an eye. Two people who are so much in love could just drift away, as easily said as it was done. Even one person could fall for someone else so quickly. Sometimes I'll never understand how that works. I'll never understand why we aren't together. And none of the time will I ever not miss you.

But you know what? This post isn't about him. And it isn't about being lonely. I guess it's about how I'm feeling about everything. Life, love (or lack-there-of), everything. And mostly, it's about new horizons.

Yes, new horizons. Prospects. Well, I guess prospect. It's been a hell of a year, and 2008 sure has sucked the life right out of me. It's also been extremely difficult to even fathom having feelings towards another human being after what I just went through in the last 24 months. But I want to. I want to just give in to it, just declare to myself that yes, I'm going to care about this person, even try to form some sort of relationship. Even though I'm still getting over the past, and my first real love, I'm ready to take the lessons learned and leave it behind me. I haven't formally stated any of my feelings to him. I just don't want to come off as some sort of crazy girl who wants to definitely settle down by the age of 24, because truthfully I don't. I'm sure he knows somewhat of my interest for him though. I'm just really nervous about having "the talk".

To be honest, I don't have high hopes for anything developing. It sounds bad, but I know he is probably in a similar boat. I never want to assume someone's feelings for me, because it is possible to find someone attractive but not have feelings. But I want him, I do. I want to get to know him more on a personal level, even if not romantically. Just as friends would get to know each other. Maybe we won't fall in love and get married, but maybe he will have some part in bettering my life. Me moving on. Me realizing important things. Maybe none of these.

I just don't know what to do about the whole situation. It's so confusing yet so exciting and scary. It's such an amazing feeling to like someone new, but its also scary when you're not sure if they are even thinking of such things about you, let alone feeling them. I want to keep my distance and wait it out, but this feeling of anxiousness is building day after day, and sometimes I just want to come out with it no matter what the outcome. I honestly don't know. Its hard to determine what to do. I have a tendency to over-analyze things sometimes, and sometimes things are much simpler than I make them out to be.

Being close to him really does make me feel better. I just wish it was more frequently we were alone, and I guess more intense. More feeling involved. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing with someone if I didn't have feelings for them, and I'm only going to be close with that person only. No dating around for me. I just think that's a little disrespectful, to him and to myself, if I were to continue dating around with others at the same time. Maybe it's also due to my lack of interest in anyone else. But mostly the first part.

I hate that I'm writing about this, because there's a good chance he's reading. But I honestly don't really care right now. Writing things down rather than discussing it with others has always been a better outlet for me. Because I know that someone somewhere will read this and understand, hopefully.

Well, Merry Christmas to all who read this crap I write. Most of the time its just a bunch of nonsense, but here it is anyway.