Restless night

Spring 2009 semester begins for me in six hours, and I can't fall asleep. I just keep thinking about anything and everything there is to think of. My mind is racing. I always enjoy getting new classes. I feel like it's a fresh start. I can keep my grades up, meet new people, and learn new things. It makes me feel good. But for the time being, I still can't sleep. I probably won't even go to bed, I'll be up until class starts.

I've got Anthropology 273 - Race, Gender, and Culture and Biology 120 - General Biology w/laboratory today, then English 209 - Survey of American Lit II, and EMB 110 - Intro To Mass Media Tues/Thurs. Sounds like an all right semester. I think I can turn things around for myself grade wise. I'm done with gen eds after this just about, and I can start on my major, which I need to get around to changing. Then if things go according to plan, and I take a summer class or two at least one summer, I think I'll be graduating in 2011. Which means it would be taking me five years to get my Bachelor's but, it doesn't matter to me. As long as I've got it, that's the important thing. Then I hope I can start work immediately at a local high school (probably not SK because I think I might rather die) and start on graduate work so I can get the hell out of HS work and work at NKU for the time being. I think it's a pretty good plan, and of course my insane fucking idea of joining the Navy is outta here. Probably for the best, I'm not sure I would like it anyway.

Bonnaroo DVD should be coming really soon, along with the '09 lineup. I can't buy a ticket yet until I know when Molly's graduation is. I'm hoping for no more than 5 snow days but you never can tell. As soon as February is over I will know if I can go. Even though Bonnaroo makes me kind of nostalgic and sad, it's still an awesome time. I look forward to it so much, because it's really the closest thing to a vacation that I can take every year.

In less than 7 months, I will be 21. This excites me. Not because I can get hammered in public legally, but because I can also get into 21+ shows. And besides, I'd be making it to my twenty-first. It's a big accomplishment, and I'll probably feel like a real adult afterward. Although it's a half a year away, I've just been thinking of the celebration I'm going to have. Of course the typical bar hopping will occur, probably in Covington because of the convenience, or maybe even somewhere not around here, like Lexington or Louisville. But the real party is going to be at the Red River Gorge. Sounds weird for a 21st Birthday celebration, I understand. But I want to rent a cabin and have 15 or so friends drive down there with me and just have an awesome time. I love being outside so I figure I can still go hiking and swimming and sightseeing outside during the day, and have some sort of "house" party at night. Plus we wouldn't be leaving Kentucky, which is where I want to stay for this.

Things are going to be changing for me, and fast. Molly is starting college, I'll be 21, and I'll be working on my major. In the near future I'll be moving out into my own place and starting my career. It all seems like things will stay the same forever right now, but I can see now why people tell you to enjoy your youth, because it seems like yesterday I was graduating high school and now I'm finishing up the remaining years of college. How's it going to feel once I graduate college and land a job? Time moves so quickly, but you don't notice it until it's over and you're looking back. Before I know it I'm gonna be 29, counting down the days until my 30th, dreading it.

I've been thinking for the past couple of days about myself and what lies ahead for me. I don't want to end up being 30-something, unmarried (even unattached), and still in love with the one that got away while all my other friends are settling down and having kids and purchasing two car garage homes. I fear that this is my fate. I don't know, it may not be. Who knows what's going to happen or who I will meet. But I am honestly starting to be legitimately scared that this is going to happen to me. I'm totally fine being alone, I function very well by myself, and actually prefer to be by myself more than half the time. It's that longing for someone who is never coming back that I'm not fine with. I just don't want it anymore. I just want rid of it.