The last couple days haven't been all that bad. I saw Revolutionary Road, although it very depressing, was really good. The acting was great, and I love Kate Winslet.

Went to a party last night in Covington at this very nice guy Sam's house, who I have met once before at a poetry reading at the Bean Haus over the summer. First of all, there were a shit ton of people there, and Ashleigh, Chris and I knew maybe two or three people max until more of our friends started showing up about an hour after we did. Secondly, his loft apartment was awesome. Brick walls, open space, hardwood floors, it was perfect. Thirdly, there was a DJ and a fashion show, which I thought was a bit odd, but whatever. I drank many PBRs, mostly in bottles. I was also staring at a very attractive boy in a brown striped jacket all evening. He left before I could get his name or number, and I've been thinking about him ever since. I hope he reappears someday, because he was extremely attractive.

Reading assignments and homework have begun. Always happens the third week of class. I'm starting to get back in the swing of things. I'm shooting for excellent grades this semester, and it's 100% achievable as long as I cut my social life literally in half and use that time to study more. With every passing semester that Bachelor's degree seems a little more real. It's really important to me to get it, and by 2011.

I just ordered $80 worth of stuff online from Forever 21. It's been a while since I've gotten any clothes or accessories, and I've got the money so I figured it was okay to treat myself tonight. I am also waiting for the last of my books to get here, and two surprises I bought for Molly and myself. I can't say until they get here because I want her to be excited.

I've been doing pretty well diet and exercise-wise. I've lost four pounds so far and I've been eating healthier. I could afford to exercise a little more than I have been, but I always do little things that I think really add up, like taking the stairs to go to class instead of the elevators, and walking to Starbucks all the way across campus instead of getting my morning coffee from the place in the science building where I have class. If not 40, I definitely think 20 pounds is sure to be lost. Maybe even by the end of April. I always go on crazy diets and say I'm going to lose weight and I go about it all the wrong ways. I'm finally on track now. I don't think of it as dieting anymore, I just think of my eating habits now as healthier alternatives and it doesn't seem like much of a chore. I think that's the main problem with people who go on "diets". You don't have to think like that, you can still eat great foods but make it so much better for you. I'm completely on track and 100% committed to losing this weight and keeping it off. I know I'll be giving up some of my favorite foods but that isn't going to matter when I get out there in the sun this summer weighing 40 pounds less and looking awesome in my bikini.

I'm very excited for summer. I feel like it just left but also that it's right around the corner again. I can't wait for Bonnaroo, for swimming and laying out, for summer clothes, for beautiful weather. I keep talking about it and it's making me very anxious!

Movies to see still: Two Lovers, The Reader, The Wrestler, Wendy and Lucy, The Soloist, Last Chance Harvey and Slumdog Millionaire. I've seen some that I've wanted to see: Milk, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Revolutionary Road. They were all extremely good.

This is just a random blog of sorts. I've got nothing of real interest to say at the moment, I just needed a break from reading this book and trying to do this assignment.

New love.

Another musician that I've just fallen completely in love with.

Behold: Andrew VanWyngarden.

Why is he so perfect?

It's the simplest of things I miss the most. Like the feeling of being alive. I haven't felt that in a very long time.

On a lighter note, Obama is president in less than 12 hours or something. Feels nice to win one for a change.

The great thing about having a good family is that no matter how alone you feel, whether it's because of romantic relationships (or lack-there-of) or friendships gone awry, you've always got someone to be there with. You've got people who are always going to be there. And the great thing about having a sister is knowing that I've always got at least one friend, no matter how tough times can get. I've always got someone around to hang out with. Plus my dog Ty. He may only be just a dog to everyone else, but to me he is one of my best friends. He doesn't judge, isn't mean, always is excited to see me and loves me unconditionally. I will admit, I do take my family for granted like more than half the time, but I hope they know they will always be the most important things in my life. Additionally, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell everyone in my life that I care about that I love them and I'm very grateful to know them. I don't ever say it enough to the people that matter.

I hate winter, my seasonal depression has seemed to have gotten the best of me here lately. I've been pretty sad the last few days, and I've really missed Johnny the last couple of nights. I just keep wondering when I'm going to move on; in February it'll be a year since we've ended things. And let me tell you, it's the absolute worst not being able to be with the one you love, and for them to be off with someone else, never to be heard from again. But you know, no matter how bad I feel about that, no matter how uncertain and scared I am of other life issues, I have good days too. And on those good days I'm glad I can take time to realize that my life could be a lot worse. I never claim to have a shitty life ever, but it may come off like I'm saying that. I'm just heartbroken and unsure about a lot of things right now. Going through a huge rough patch if you will. And yes, I get very sad sometimes, and sometimes it's hard to even get out of bed. But I do know that my life is filled with wonderful people, and I will continue to meet wonderful people and have amazing experiences. There's still so much of the world I haven't seen, so many people I have yet to meet. I'll always love him, but I'm ready to get out there in that world and start living.

Although I don't believe it, I honestly hope that everything happens for a reason. I hope there is a reason why I'm unhappy right now. I hope there's a reason for everything I've ever done, that has ever been done to me, and that has happened as a result of both. I hope good things are on the way for me. I just need to find the patience to wait for them.

Restless night

Spring 2009 semester begins for me in six hours, and I can't fall asleep. I just keep thinking about anything and everything there is to think of. My mind is racing. I always enjoy getting new classes. I feel like it's a fresh start. I can keep my grades up, meet new people, and learn new things. It makes me feel good. But for the time being, I still can't sleep. I probably won't even go to bed, I'll be up until class starts.

I've got Anthropology 273 - Race, Gender, and Culture and Biology 120 - General Biology w/laboratory today, then English 209 - Survey of American Lit II, and EMB 110 - Intro To Mass Media Tues/Thurs. Sounds like an all right semester. I think I can turn things around for myself grade wise. I'm done with gen eds after this just about, and I can start on my major, which I need to get around to changing. Then if things go according to plan, and I take a summer class or two at least one summer, I think I'll be graduating in 2011. Which means it would be taking me five years to get my Bachelor's but, it doesn't matter to me. As long as I've got it, that's the important thing. Then I hope I can start work immediately at a local high school (probably not SK because I think I might rather die) and start on graduate work so I can get the hell out of HS work and work at NKU for the time being. I think it's a pretty good plan, and of course my insane fucking idea of joining the Navy is outta here. Probably for the best, I'm not sure I would like it anyway.

Bonnaroo DVD should be coming really soon, along with the '09 lineup. I can't buy a ticket yet until I know when Molly's graduation is. I'm hoping for no more than 5 snow days but you never can tell. As soon as February is over I will know if I can go. Even though Bonnaroo makes me kind of nostalgic and sad, it's still an awesome time. I look forward to it so much, because it's really the closest thing to a vacation that I can take every year.

In less than 7 months, I will be 21. This excites me. Not because I can get hammered in public legally, but because I can also get into 21+ shows. And besides, I'd be making it to my twenty-first. It's a big accomplishment, and I'll probably feel like a real adult afterward. Although it's a half a year away, I've just been thinking of the celebration I'm going to have. Of course the typical bar hopping will occur, probably in Covington because of the convenience, or maybe even somewhere not around here, like Lexington or Louisville. But the real party is going to be at the Red River Gorge. Sounds weird for a 21st Birthday celebration, I understand. But I want to rent a cabin and have 15 or so friends drive down there with me and just have an awesome time. I love being outside so I figure I can still go hiking and swimming and sightseeing outside during the day, and have some sort of "house" party at night. Plus we wouldn't be leaving Kentucky, which is where I want to stay for this.

Things are going to be changing for me, and fast. Molly is starting college, I'll be 21, and I'll be working on my major. In the near future I'll be moving out into my own place and starting my career. It all seems like things will stay the same forever right now, but I can see now why people tell you to enjoy your youth, because it seems like yesterday I was graduating high school and now I'm finishing up the remaining years of college. How's it going to feel once I graduate college and land a job? Time moves so quickly, but you don't notice it until it's over and you're looking back. Before I know it I'm gonna be 29, counting down the days until my 30th, dreading it.

I've been thinking for the past couple of days about myself and what lies ahead for me. I don't want to end up being 30-something, unmarried (even unattached), and still in love with the one that got away while all my other friends are settling down and having kids and purchasing two car garage homes. I fear that this is my fate. I don't know, it may not be. Who knows what's going to happen or who I will meet. But I am honestly starting to be legitimately scared that this is going to happen to me. I'm totally fine being alone, I function very well by myself, and actually prefer to be by myself more than half the time. It's that longing for someone who is never coming back that I'm not fine with. I just don't want it anymore. I just want rid of it.

"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit; Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."


"We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

January 1, 2009 12:11 AM

I couldn't miss you any more than I do now. Happy New Year. I honestly hope from the bottom of my heart that you are happy, wherever you may be right now. I'm not, but that is life.


so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that can hold us back

so this is the new year