Resolutions

Here is a list of things I'd love to accomplish for next year. New Year's Resolutions are mostly bullshit, but here they are anyway.

Dear Kelley,

1. Lose weight by June 1 (preferrably around 30 pounds). Keep diet and exercise plan going from January 2-June 1 and don't take any breaks. Buy a bikini or dress that is too small on purpose so it gives you some motivation to want to fit in it.
2. Calm down. Don't be as pissed off all the time. Learn to control anger better.
3. Cheer up. Try to let go or at least come to terms with some things (and people) from your past.
4. Get a job and start saving money. You don't want to live at home after you get your Bachelor's degree, so start saving for a down payment on a house. I am saying house because if you and Ty are going to move out together, he deserves a backyard to run around in, and not be cramped in a tiny apartment. And if the house is not an option, make sure you've got enough money for at least six months rent in the bank.
5. Do better in school. You've been screwing around the past two and a half years you've been in school, and all A's and B's are indeed possible. Make the Spring semester the best semester you've had in college so far. Also, change your major and do research into education/english majors.
6. Save up enough money for Bonnaroo.
7. Stop biting your nails.
8. Be nicer to everyone, even if they aren't nice to you. Tell your friends and family you love and care for them more often. Be more generous and an overall better person to others.
9. Keep your house clean. I know you won't be living here for much longer, but you live here now so do more stuff around the house for your mother.
10. Start paying off debts (school loans, credit card bills, etc.)
11. If depression, anxiety, or anger start to get too overwhelming, go talk to someone about it. You can use the counseling services at NKU for free, so go ahead and do it if you need it.
12. Take time for you. Go for walks, go see movies by yourself, or go get coffee or lunch by yourself. "You" time is time to think and get shit together, and also it can just be relaxing.
13. Read more books. Try to finish one book a month if time allows it.
14. Spend less time on the internet and more time outside.
15. Go camping/hiking/canoeing/seadooing/anything outdoorsy more next summer. Try to shoot for Mammoth Cave once, Red River Gorge once, Brookville Indiana once, East Fork once, and any other place that you can go get physical activity and enjoy the outdoors.
16. Stop worrying so much about things you cannot control. It's not worth the stress.
17. Accept the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but so are you. Don't regret saying how you feel about certain things, because you are allowed to. And if people are going to be pissed off for it, so be it. It is their problem, not yours.
18. Even though it's been difficult, try to be more optimistic about life.
19. Make things happen for yourself. Try your best at everything you do. If they don't happen, move on. At least if you do the most/best you can, you will know it wasn't your fault.
20. Do all of these things, and not just some or most of them.

Sincerely,
Yourself

Merry Christmas

Or something like that. I wouldn't call it merry. I'm not one to sound "above" Christmas or anything, or belittle its importance, but sometimes its a load of shit to me. Very few people in this world, and who I personally know, view Christmas as a time to share with family, a time to be courteous to strangers, to give and not worry about recieving. The holidays both calm me somewhat and make me utterly disgusted or depressed. It's just the winding down period for the year, time to spend with friends and family, and just relax and have some fun. But this year again, I am alone. I've got no one to share the good times with. Sure I've got family and a great group of friends (and I mean fantastic group of friends; I couldn't have asked for better friends), but I know that it isn't enough as much as I'd like it to be. And okay, I'm 20. But you know, you can be lonely and sad and miss people no matter what the age. If you've experienced love and it's been taken from you, no matter your age, it will hurt. Even if you haven't experienced it yet, there will always be that longing for something that went missing or something you're still trying to find.

It's just so hard to be positive about the future. I'm happy with my family, happy with friends, with school, with myself. But I think I'm always doing things half-heartedly. Because if I were to be truly honest with myself and with anyone, I'm not really happy as a whole. Some days are better than others but I haven't been happy in at least a year. And it's got a lot to do with Johnny I won't lie, but other things too. I always feel too ahead of my own age, but too young to do anything about it. I feel helpless sometimes. Lost and scared, not sure of what I'm going to do next. What is my next move in life? As soon as I'm done with college, what do I do? Will I be alone? Why do I still miss him? Sometimes he doesn't really bother me. I think about how happy he must be. Even if he isn't, I always try to picture him being completely satisfied with life. Because I do love and care for him, and I wouldn't wish my misery on someone so dear to my heart. But there are those nights when I almost hate him for leaving me. I know I don't, but my heart gets so heavy sometimes that I need to turn my sadness to anger, because I can't deal with the pain I feel any longer.

Life is so funny, isn't it? You think you've found everything you're looking for and sometimes you're blinded by things, almost consumed with the idea that this is the way things will be from now on. Well, I've learned first hand this year that things can change for you in the blink of an eye. Two people who are so much in love could just drift away, as easily said as it was done. Even one person could fall for someone else so quickly. Sometimes I'll never understand how that works. I'll never understand why we aren't together. And none of the time will I ever not miss you.

But you know what? This post isn't about him. And it isn't about being lonely. I guess it's about how I'm feeling about everything. Life, love (or lack-there-of), everything. And mostly, it's about new horizons.

Yes, new horizons. Prospects. Well, I guess prospect. It's been a hell of a year, and 2008 sure has sucked the life right out of me. It's also been extremely difficult to even fathom having feelings towards another human being after what I just went through in the last 24 months. But I want to. I want to just give in to it, just declare to myself that yes, I'm going to care about this person, even try to form some sort of relationship. Even though I'm still getting over the past, and my first real love, I'm ready to take the lessons learned and leave it behind me. I haven't formally stated any of my feelings to him. I just don't want to come off as some sort of crazy girl who wants to definitely settle down by the age of 24, because truthfully I don't. I'm sure he knows somewhat of my interest for him though. I'm just really nervous about having "the talk".

To be honest, I don't have high hopes for anything developing. It sounds bad, but I know he is probably in a similar boat. I never want to assume someone's feelings for me, because it is possible to find someone attractive but not have feelings. But I want him, I do. I want to get to know him more on a personal level, even if not romantically. Just as friends would get to know each other. Maybe we won't fall in love and get married, but maybe he will have some part in bettering my life. Me moving on. Me realizing important things. Maybe none of these.

I just don't know what to do about the whole situation. It's so confusing yet so exciting and scary. It's such an amazing feeling to like someone new, but its also scary when you're not sure if they are even thinking of such things about you, let alone feeling them. I want to keep my distance and wait it out, but this feeling of anxiousness is building day after day, and sometimes I just want to come out with it no matter what the outcome. I honestly don't know. Its hard to determine what to do. I have a tendency to over-analyze things sometimes, and sometimes things are much simpler than I make them out to be.

Being close to him really does make me feel better. I just wish it was more frequently we were alone, and I guess more intense. More feeling involved. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing with someone if I didn't have feelings for them, and I'm only going to be close with that person only. No dating around for me. I just think that's a little disrespectful, to him and to myself, if I were to continue dating around with others at the same time. Maybe it's also due to my lack of interest in anyone else. But mostly the first part.

I hate that I'm writing about this, because there's a good chance he's reading. But I honestly don't really care right now. Writing things down rather than discussing it with others has always been a better outlet for me. Because I know that someone somewhere will read this and understand, hopefully.

Well, Merry Christmas to all who read this crap I write. Most of the time its just a bunch of nonsense, but here it is anyway.

"I still thought you were going to save my life. Even after that."

I know you won't ever be mine, but it sure is a nice thought.

My perfect 2009 Bonnaroo lineup:

My Morning Jacket

Modest Mouse

Radiohead

Wilco

Death Cab For Cutie

Minus The Bear

Ben Folds

The Avett Brothers

Bright Eyes or Conor Oberst by himself

The Swell Season

MGMT

Spoon

Kings Of Leon

The Decemberists

The Roots

The Black Keys

The Flaming Lips

The National

Old Crow Medicine Show

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

All of these have been at Bonnaroo at some point so, if at least a third of these show up, I'm good to go. Pre=sale is already underway but I don't want to buy a ticket until I see the lineup. I'll probably miss the cheap prices but. It's a chance I have to take.

Don't you make me go home

I never knew what I was missing
And frankly, I was better off
You let me drink from your cup
And now I don't know how to stop
I've been pounding and pleading at your window
Sadly ignored
I want it just a little bit more, I want it just a little bit more
You love me then you lock your door

This is going nowhere, and fast.

My moods change with every passing day, sometimes with every passing hour. But at this exact moment in my life, at 2:15PM on Tuesday, December 2, 2008, I've got a small longing for the new year. I feel like I'm ready to embrace it with open arms right now. I want it here now. I want to make it a fantastic year. I want to better myself and better the relationships I have with my friends and family. I want to travel more, see more, do more, experience more, party more, see more bands, see more movies, read more books, write more, work more, study more, dance crazier, sing louder, feel more, relax more, and be more passionate about everything and everyone. I want to know what I want and do more to get it. I'd love to be more open-minded, more stable, more spontaneous, more outgoing, speak up more, take more of a stand, and be noticed more. I want to eat healthier and take care of myself more. I'm going to do all of these things, and I'm going to mean them.

I feel good right now. And I am starting to realize that even though I've got a lot to be sad for, I've also got a lot to be thankful for, happy for, even hopeful for. I think I'm going to be all right.