It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now
It's tumbling down, hard
Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way
But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Taking a moment of appreciation
Even as a little girl, I always knew I'd be leaving NKY/Cincinnati at some point. Not permanently but for a while. I'd love to take some time to travel, and I would love to live in other cities for a few years. I'd love to live in places like Chicago, Knoxville, and Nashville. I used to want to live in New York City for a while, but I don't think it's for me. Chicago is even too far north for me. I've grown to really love where I was born, and the south. I do consider myself part of the south because it's everything I know. Of course I grew up here and basically have lived my entire life in Cincinnati, but I've also spent a significant amount of time all over Kentucky and Tennessee and I love everything about it. I do want to travel and see what else is out there though. I want to branch out and experience other parts of the world. I know I'll end up leaving for an unknown amount of time sometime in the future. I believe home is where you make it. I could settle down anywhere if I so choose. But, I do know where my heart will always lie. Right here, forever.
It's my home, it's where I learned everything I know. How to walk, talk, read, write, share, love. It's where my first kiss was. It's where I lost my virginity. It's where I've celebrated every Birthday. It's where I had my first drink. Where I learned to drive. Where I've fallen in love, on two separate occassions. Where I graduated from High School and now where I attend college. I don't love any city like I love this one. I simply think that Northern Kentucky is the perfect place for me. It's not exactly the country or the big city, but both of those are within a relatively short driving distance. It's only 5 hours away from Chicago, 5 hours from Knoxville, and 6 hours to the Atlantic ocean. My whole family is here. Most of my friends are here or were raised here like I was. It's damn near everything to me.
So, NKY/Cincy, although one day I may spread my wings and leave here for a while, possibly a long while, just know that it will not be forever. Just know that no matter where I live, none of those places could ever be so dear to my heart than you.
It's my home, it's where I learned everything I know. How to walk, talk, read, write, share, love. It's where my first kiss was. It's where I lost my virginity. It's where I've celebrated every Birthday. It's where I had my first drink. Where I learned to drive. Where I've fallen in love, on two separate occassions. Where I graduated from High School and now where I attend college. I don't love any city like I love this one. I simply think that Northern Kentucky is the perfect place for me. It's not exactly the country or the big city, but both of those are within a relatively short driving distance. It's only 5 hours away from Chicago, 5 hours from Knoxville, and 6 hours to the Atlantic ocean. My whole family is here. Most of my friends are here or were raised here like I was. It's damn near everything to me.
So, NKY/Cincy, although one day I may spread my wings and leave here for a while, possibly a long while, just know that it will not be forever. Just know that no matter where I live, none of those places could ever be so dear to my heart than you.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Life now just seems like one long, continuous, strange-feeling day. So many emotions hit me at once sometimes, that I'm unsure how to handle them all. I just feel strange anymore. It feels a lot like denial, but I'm aware of what is happening to me. I've lost a best friend, a man I still love, I almost got suspended, and the list continues on. I know all these things happened to me, but I am still in sort of a shock still. It's hard to describe. I guess I try to make myself feel anything but sadness, because once I feel that for the things I've lost or the things I've done, I think it will be too much for me to handle and it will surely overwhelm me. I just try to keep myself busy. I try to think about other things. My mind does wander back to those things I hold so dear to my heart, yet are the furthest things from it. I know I won't be getting them back. So why is it so easy for me to say, but so difficult to just accept and move on from it? Will I ever recover or will I still be missing pieces of me thirty years from now? These are things that I wonder about, and they make me very uneasy.
I did learn some lessons from this past year though. Valuable ones, might I add. But they were not free by any means. I wonder now if those lessons were even worth it.
It's very hard for me to believe the "everything happens for a reason" bit. I don't think that at all. I think, things happen because that's the path you chose, or someone else chose and it affected you. That you may never get over them or never stop wishing things were different. Maybe forever. It's been especially hard for me to have hope since it seems that everything I once had is now gone, possibly forever, and there isn't anything being put in it's place (even though nothing really can).
I don't know. Maybe I am destined to always be doing a double take at someone who I thought was him. Maybe I'm destined to never be forgiven for the things I have done. Maybe that right person slipped through my fingers, and no one else is really meant for me the way he was. Maybe I'll never truly be 100% happy in any relationship I have for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll always compare my friends to that one I lost. Maybe I'll always be in a beautiful place, staring out at the ocean, walking downtown in an amazing city, or just laughing at a great movie and wishing they were there to experience it with me.
I do know that I'll spend every day of my life from now on bettering myself, and trying to find some sort of peace from all of this. I want to start treating people with more respect. I want to be more polite and considerate with strangers, and even with people I know. I want to be more honest and open about everything. I want to continue my education as far as it will take me and do something great with my life. I want to help others in their time of need. I want to be more selfless. I want to do all of this.
Okay, so. An update on what will be happening in the next few months.
I'm moving out into the dorms this fall. I'm sending in my application and payments tomorrow. I'm very excited for this. I have a roommate already lined up, and we are getting a third and possibly fourth that we have never met, so I am hoping to make some new friends out of this. I'm going to pour the majority of my energy into school. Getting my grades up is my number one priority at this point. I'm going to start turning things around in my life, little by little. Second priority is finding some sort of part time job to start paying off my loans. I need to do this now so I'm not a million dollars in debt by the time I get out.
Also, I'm going to take some time for me. I don't think I ever really take any relaxing "me" time at all. So for the rest of the summer, I'm going to do just that. I'll take Ty for walks in various parks, get a good book or two to read and go out on a nice day and sit in the shade. I'll go see a movie by myself and exercise somewhere by myself. Try to find some inner peace for a while. I haven't had that in a long time. I do have another very realistic goal for myself, I believe. I'm going on a strict diet and exercise regimen to hopefully lose a certain amount of weight by December 25. Let's see if I can do it. That is in 5 months, almost exactly.
Even though I've got no hope for a lot of things, I have hope that I can make a few changes in my life. Hopefully they turn out for the better.
I did learn some lessons from this past year though. Valuable ones, might I add. But they were not free by any means. I wonder now if those lessons were even worth it.
It's very hard for me to believe the "everything happens for a reason" bit. I don't think that at all. I think, things happen because that's the path you chose, or someone else chose and it affected you. That you may never get over them or never stop wishing things were different. Maybe forever. It's been especially hard for me to have hope since it seems that everything I once had is now gone, possibly forever, and there isn't anything being put in it's place (even though nothing really can).
I don't know. Maybe I am destined to always be doing a double take at someone who I thought was him. Maybe I'm destined to never be forgiven for the things I have done. Maybe that right person slipped through my fingers, and no one else is really meant for me the way he was. Maybe I'll never truly be 100% happy in any relationship I have for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll always compare my friends to that one I lost. Maybe I'll always be in a beautiful place, staring out at the ocean, walking downtown in an amazing city, or just laughing at a great movie and wishing they were there to experience it with me.
I do know that I'll spend every day of my life from now on bettering myself, and trying to find some sort of peace from all of this. I want to start treating people with more respect. I want to be more polite and considerate with strangers, and even with people I know. I want to be more honest and open about everything. I want to continue my education as far as it will take me and do something great with my life. I want to help others in their time of need. I want to be more selfless. I want to do all of this.
Okay, so. An update on what will be happening in the next few months.
I'm moving out into the dorms this fall. I'm sending in my application and payments tomorrow. I'm very excited for this. I have a roommate already lined up, and we are getting a third and possibly fourth that we have never met, so I am hoping to make some new friends out of this. I'm going to pour the majority of my energy into school. Getting my grades up is my number one priority at this point. I'm going to start turning things around in my life, little by little. Second priority is finding some sort of part time job to start paying off my loans. I need to do this now so I'm not a million dollars in debt by the time I get out.
Also, I'm going to take some time for me. I don't think I ever really take any relaxing "me" time at all. So for the rest of the summer, I'm going to do just that. I'll take Ty for walks in various parks, get a good book or two to read and go out on a nice day and sit in the shade. I'll go see a movie by myself and exercise somewhere by myself. Try to find some inner peace for a while. I haven't had that in a long time. I do have another very realistic goal for myself, I believe. I'm going on a strict diet and exercise regimen to hopefully lose a certain amount of weight by December 25. Let's see if I can do it. That is in 5 months, almost exactly.
Even though I've got no hope for a lot of things, I have hope that I can make a few changes in my life. Hopefully they turn out for the better.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Dondante
In a dream, I saw you walkin'
Like a kid alive and talkin', that was you
In the classroom, you were teachin'
On the streets you were policin', that was you
To the one I now know most
I will tell them of your ghost like a thing that never, ever was
And all that ever mattered
Will some day turn back to batter like a joke
Behind thin walls, you hid your feelings
Takes four legs to make a ceilin' like a thing
In a dream I saw you walkin'
With your friends alive and talkin', that was you
Well I saw it in your movements
And even though you never knew it, well I knew
Just how sweet it could be
If you'd never left these streets
You had me worried, so worried that this would last
But now I'm learning, learning that this will pass
Like a kid alive and talkin', that was you
In the classroom, you were teachin'
On the streets you were policin', that was you
To the one I now know most
I will tell them of your ghost like a thing that never, ever was
And all that ever mattered
Will some day turn back to batter like a joke
Behind thin walls, you hid your feelings
Takes four legs to make a ceilin' like a thing
In a dream I saw you walkin'
With your friends alive and talkin', that was you
Well I saw it in your movements
And even though you never knew it, well I knew
Just how sweet it could be
If you'd never left these streets
You had me worried, so worried that this would last
But now I'm learning, learning that this will pass
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
First entry.
"If we ever hope to reach our biggest goals, we have to start making some tough choices. We have to start giving ourselves permission to ignore one thing—or several things—for the sake of something more important. What can be more deserving of our time?
It’s difficult to accept this idea. We’ve grown up in a world not used to saying "no" or doing without. By now, we’re used to being pulled in 43 different directions. We’re uncomfortable with the idea that we may just have to let something slide. The trouble is, we get so caught up in trying to do everything that we retreat inside ourselves. We get tunnel vision on the next task and lose sight of other people and what’s important. In a pursuit of happiness, that’s a futile strategy.
Someone smarter than me once said, "You can have everything. You just can’t have everything right now!" To reach your goals and live the life you want, it takes priorities and patience—the ability to choose between two competing wishes, and the willingness to set one aside for now and wait."
I got this in an email today. Granted, it is talking about weight loss, but when I read it I couldn't help but apply it to other things in my life. For the rest of the year, I'm going to have to face things I wanted to keep locked up inside my head. Things I wish never happened at all, but now that they have, I've got no choice really to face them head on, deal with them, and move on from them. As much as I don't want to.
I'm in a weird place in my life. I thought I had things exactly where and how I wanted them. School, boyfriend, friends, career plans, apartment plans, everything. I had all of those figured out, and I had all of those in general. But now, I'm borederline failing college, single, I've ruined a few friendships, I've got no clue what I want to do when I graduate (or if I graduate), I've got no intentions of moving out except in the dorms, and I've been seriously thinking about joining the Navy. Things are crazy. I'll be the first to admit, 2008 hasn't been the best year for me. In fact, when compared to the other 19 years I've been alive, it's been the worst. Especially the first four or five months. They were the hardest for me. But, some days are better than others. I do have somewhat good days. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about what I'm going to do next, and especially, about him. Not one day.
I'm not sure if it's my depression or that I can't let things go so easily, but it's been so difficult trying to date other people. I'm not over my last breakup, at all. And I've had to tell a few prospects that. When they say it doesn't matter, it still doesn't get very far because the truth is, it matters to me. I just feel wrong with anyone else. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think that I will be with another person. It's a weird feeling. But I know I'll either be alone forever or try to find something else. I'm just not sure when it's going to happen. I'm almost 20, I know I've got some time. But. I miss him very much, and I still love him. I think I always will.
And something else very important. I've lost a best friend this year too. Probably one of the hardest things I had to deal with. I just hope she knows that it was never my intention to make her doubt my love for her, although what I did was wrong. I won't say much more about it, but I hope she knows she deserves everything good in life. I wish things could be as they were with us, although I know that won't happen. At least not now. But I still love her and care about her very much, and she is the reason I'm trying to better myself.
But, anyway. This has been such a downer post. Lets talk about some good things that have been happening to me lately.
Bonnaroo. My second one. Felt a little strange not being there with him but, Molly, Lindsey, and Lindsey's friend Bri went with me. We had fun. I took lots of pictures. Saw lots of bands. It was a good year. And I'm going next year, too.
Mammoth Cave. Went with my parents and their friend Dave over the 4th of July weekend. I took some cave tours, hiked about 10 miles, and just got to be away from everything. I didn't realize I loved being out in nature so much until this camping trip. It was so nice. I love God's country. Oh, and my tour guide was awesome. He was cute, and he had a southern accent. I found him online and I'm waiting for a reply back. Hopefully I get it.
School. I haven't failed yet! I'm still barely getting by. I missed so much school this past semester because I was sad that I'm barely still allowed to be there. But, I met with my advisor and then the Assistant Dean and asked them both about ways I could deal with my depression. I'm going to be starting free counseling services at Northern. I think it might be a really good way to help get me in the right direction, honestly. If it's not for me, then it's not for me, but I'm going to try it.
Cursive. They played a 21+ show April 9, and it was amazing. I snuck in, saw them play, and when they were done, Tim Kasher came off stage and talked to everyone. Alan tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he'd give me a hug, and he replied with "Oh, absolutely!" and hugged me. Then he talked to us for a minute or so, shook my hand and mingled with everyone else. I know it sounds ridiculous and super girly of me, but I loved that moment. It was such a good moment. So many terrible things had been happening to me, and when he hugged me, I focused only on him and what was happening. My mind didn't wander to anything else. And that's important for me to know. That I am capable of finding some sort of happiness and not thinking about things I can't control. So thanks Tim, you've given me some hope for my future.
Shows, obviously. So far this year, I've seen (at separate shows or at Bonnaroo): Cursive, Minus The Bear (twice), The Weakerthans, Portugal The Man, Modest Mouse, Superdrag, Vampire Weekend, The Avett Brothers (and I'm about to see them again in Somerset!), Broken Social Scene, Death Cab For Cutie, Ben Folds, My Morning Jacket, Jack Johnson, M.I.A, Kanye West (who was terrible by the way), The Raconteurs, Rilo Kiley, Sigur Ros, and probably more, I know I'm leaving some out. It's been the best year for music, and it's not even over yet. It really makes things not so bad when I get to see so many good bands.
Things will look up. I am hoping. It's hard to be so optimistic when you've got tunnel vision but, I try my hardest. I'm going to start improving my life any which way I can and try so hard to let go of the things I can't control. It's not going to be easy. I turn 20 soon. I'll leave my teenage years behind me in the past where they belong. Hopefully I'll be in a better place soon. It's all I can hope for.
It’s difficult to accept this idea. We’ve grown up in a world not used to saying "no" or doing without. By now, we’re used to being pulled in 43 different directions. We’re uncomfortable with the idea that we may just have to let something slide. The trouble is, we get so caught up in trying to do everything that we retreat inside ourselves. We get tunnel vision on the next task and lose sight of other people and what’s important. In a pursuit of happiness, that’s a futile strategy.
Someone smarter than me once said, "You can have everything. You just can’t have everything right now!" To reach your goals and live the life you want, it takes priorities and patience—the ability to choose between two competing wishes, and the willingness to set one aside for now and wait."
I got this in an email today. Granted, it is talking about weight loss, but when I read it I couldn't help but apply it to other things in my life. For the rest of the year, I'm going to have to face things I wanted to keep locked up inside my head. Things I wish never happened at all, but now that they have, I've got no choice really to face them head on, deal with them, and move on from them. As much as I don't want to.
I'm in a weird place in my life. I thought I had things exactly where and how I wanted them. School, boyfriend, friends, career plans, apartment plans, everything. I had all of those figured out, and I had all of those in general. But now, I'm borederline failing college, single, I've ruined a few friendships, I've got no clue what I want to do when I graduate (or if I graduate), I've got no intentions of moving out except in the dorms, and I've been seriously thinking about joining the Navy. Things are crazy. I'll be the first to admit, 2008 hasn't been the best year for me. In fact, when compared to the other 19 years I've been alive, it's been the worst. Especially the first four or five months. They were the hardest for me. But, some days are better than others. I do have somewhat good days. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about what I'm going to do next, and especially, about him. Not one day.
I'm not sure if it's my depression or that I can't let things go so easily, but it's been so difficult trying to date other people. I'm not over my last breakup, at all. And I've had to tell a few prospects that. When they say it doesn't matter, it still doesn't get very far because the truth is, it matters to me. I just feel wrong with anyone else. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think that I will be with another person. It's a weird feeling. But I know I'll either be alone forever or try to find something else. I'm just not sure when it's going to happen. I'm almost 20, I know I've got some time. But. I miss him very much, and I still love him. I think I always will.
And something else very important. I've lost a best friend this year too. Probably one of the hardest things I had to deal with. I just hope she knows that it was never my intention to make her doubt my love for her, although what I did was wrong. I won't say much more about it, but I hope she knows she deserves everything good in life. I wish things could be as they were with us, although I know that won't happen. At least not now. But I still love her and care about her very much, and she is the reason I'm trying to better myself.
But, anyway. This has been such a downer post. Lets talk about some good things that have been happening to me lately.
Bonnaroo. My second one. Felt a little strange not being there with him but, Molly, Lindsey, and Lindsey's friend Bri went with me. We had fun. I took lots of pictures. Saw lots of bands. It was a good year. And I'm going next year, too.
Mammoth Cave. Went with my parents and their friend Dave over the 4th of July weekend. I took some cave tours, hiked about 10 miles, and just got to be away from everything. I didn't realize I loved being out in nature so much until this camping trip. It was so nice. I love God's country. Oh, and my tour guide was awesome. He was cute, and he had a southern accent. I found him online and I'm waiting for a reply back. Hopefully I get it.
School. I haven't failed yet! I'm still barely getting by. I missed so much school this past semester because I was sad that I'm barely still allowed to be there. But, I met with my advisor and then the Assistant Dean and asked them both about ways I could deal with my depression. I'm going to be starting free counseling services at Northern. I think it might be a really good way to help get me in the right direction, honestly. If it's not for me, then it's not for me, but I'm going to try it.
Cursive. They played a 21+ show April 9, and it was amazing. I snuck in, saw them play, and when they were done, Tim Kasher came off stage and talked to everyone. Alan tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he'd give me a hug, and he replied with "Oh, absolutely!" and hugged me. Then he talked to us for a minute or so, shook my hand and mingled with everyone else. I know it sounds ridiculous and super girly of me, but I loved that moment. It was such a good moment. So many terrible things had been happening to me, and when he hugged me, I focused only on him and what was happening. My mind didn't wander to anything else. And that's important for me to know. That I am capable of finding some sort of happiness and not thinking about things I can't control. So thanks Tim, you've given me some hope for my future.
Shows, obviously. So far this year, I've seen (at separate shows or at Bonnaroo): Cursive, Minus The Bear (twice), The Weakerthans, Portugal The Man, Modest Mouse, Superdrag, Vampire Weekend, The Avett Brothers (and I'm about to see them again in Somerset!), Broken Social Scene, Death Cab For Cutie, Ben Folds, My Morning Jacket, Jack Johnson, M.I.A, Kanye West (who was terrible by the way), The Raconteurs, Rilo Kiley, Sigur Ros, and probably more, I know I'm leaving some out. It's been the best year for music, and it's not even over yet. It really makes things not so bad when I get to see so many good bands.
Things will look up. I am hoping. It's hard to be so optimistic when you've got tunnel vision but, I try my hardest. I'm going to start improving my life any which way I can and try so hard to let go of the things I can't control. It's not going to be easy. I turn 20 soon. I'll leave my teenage years behind me in the past where they belong. Hopefully I'll be in a better place soon. It's all I can hope for.
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