I can feel my life getting more destroyed by the day.

What a good night.

And I still think you're great.

Please

Get out of my head.

When did we stop talking about things like adults? If you feel something (or don't) just let me know.

Chopped

You like?

Every thought, a thought of you.

Thoughts for the moment

I love getting high and doing some serious jamming to My Morning Jacket. I could sit there for two hours straight just listening to them and not move once. It's fantastic.

I hate when people ask me, "How have you been?" or "How are you?" all the time. I know its just a simple pleasantry and all, but I always feel like I'm lying when I say "I'm good."

I love Skype

He is the cutest thing I've seen in a while. I've been smiling all night and all day.

On another note, Lindsey is 21 today. Happy Birthday, I love you!

I hate that I'm writing about this again, but it's like he follows me around like a ghost.

Everywhere I go, whatever I do, he is there. His voice is in my ears, his car is driving past me, he's calling. I am conscious of him the entire 24 hours of the day, even the hours when I'm asleep. I can't escape him. He's like some sort of permanent imprint on my life, this sad nagging feeling that won't ever go away; That desperate feeling of wanting to know something, anything, about him now. He is the first thought in my head, the last right before I sleep. He's there when I am with someone else. He's there when I'm walking to class, when I'm driving my car, when I do anything.

He's here now, and I wish he wasn't. He's all that is motivating me and holding me back all at the same time.

You think it gets easier when someone is gone? No, it doesn't get easier. It's been 18 months and I just miss him even more now. It gets so much harder. More time passes, the people you once knew and loved are moving on with their life, changing everything, discovering new things about themselves, doing unbelievable things, while you are left here to think about all of it, all you are missing. All of the distance there is today, and how much more distance will be there tomorrow. Every day is worse than the day before it. You never stop loving someone, not for one minute. You can cry, or laugh, or pretend you have moved on all you damn well please. You can date around, you can party, you can surround yourself with the most attractive people, best friends, and supportive family. You can meet new people every day, have relationships with them, live the best days of your youth just being carefree. But you will still never stop loving them. Not for a single second. And you will never stop wondering "what if?" That question will haunt you for the rest of your life. I guarantee it.

To change our situations, we must first change our mindset.

One little song

Give me strength to leave the sad and the wrong

Buried safely in the past where I've been living

Alive, but unforgiving

Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

It's not all too fun when you realize that the feelings you have for someone who is kind of shitty are still there. Not only still there, but strong. I hate it. In the last 48 hours I've been trying to talk myself out of it. I don't know why in the hell I still want him. But for the very first time after Johnny, the very first time after I was madly, deeply, 100% head over heels in love, I feel something truly real for someone else. I didn't think it was possible, but apparently it is. I'm not sure what to do about the whole thing, because it obviously isn't going anywhere and hasn't been since December. I just wish he could see the potential of what could be. I would love nothing more than to be a girlfriend again. I think it's the best thing I do. I know how to take care of someone. I just keep thinking back to when Johnny and I were together. I remember that being the best relationship I've ever had, and it will probably always be. But I know I can start over again with someone new. It's entirely possible to put everything else aside and go full force with the relationship, for the first time in a year and a half. I'm ready.

The problem is, the only person in the world I can think of that I'd be willing to be with at all, is cold, uninterested and generally kind of a jerk. I don't know what I should do. I guess in this situation you can't do anything; you just have to keep doing what you're doing and hope one day either this situation changes or someone else comes along.

Even if we're never together, the simple fact I could open myself up to someone after being sad for so long is kind of terrifying. The fact that someone else has access to my heart and emotions and can hurt me at any time is so fucking scary to me. I never want to go through that again. I need to keep my distance from him but it's really hard to.

Don't ever take for granted for one second the things you have. Don't think that they will be there tomorrow, because that's what I thought and I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't do anything to ruin it. Keep it as long as you can.

I want to live life duty free
Let my instincts take the lead
I want to take what I can get
Don’t want to choose don’t want to bet
I want down from this family tree
I don’t need no upward mobility

I want to unlearn what I’ve learned
Want to unearn what I’ve earned
Want to burn my bridges down
Find a place I can’t be found
This is my manifesto destiny
Tear down this awkward mobility

Because I’m tired of standing upright
The taller we become the more dollars we can grab from that highest branch
And then step on your back given the chance
But not me, I’m a bipedal backpedaler just as sure footed as I can

I’m no high society man
No suit and tie, no daper Dan
I’m no happy family man
I’m no husband, ain’t no dad
I’m a God damn caveman
This upward mobility is more than I can understand

I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it
I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it
I won’t stand, no I won’t stand for it

I’d rather be on hands and knees
Yeah I’d rather be swinging in the trees
With the monkeys and the junkies and bums and slobs and jailbird canaries
Yeah that’s me, I’m a bipedal backpedaler from sea to shining sea

Bonnaroo Band #6

Why do things have to be so damn difficult?

Love

I can't stress enough how much I love my friends. Sometimes I will be by myself driving or sitting around not doing much, and just start thinking about how awesome it is to know such amazing people. Seriously, if I wasn't surrounded with such intelligent, funny, caring, forgiving, beautiful, and all around great girls, I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that I wouldn't be the same me I am today. I am so fortunate and grateful to know the people I know, and to have such amazing best friends who mean the absolute world to me.

Thank you for sticking it out with me through the tough times, the times when I may have been shitty, the times I've been upset, the times when I should have been a better friend. It's been a hell of a year for me and I can't thank all of you enough who have stuck by me throughout it all. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't come without arguments, emotional setbacks, and overall difficult times. But I know that things are getting better and I'm getting better. I know I am a good person with good intentions, I just get lost at times. I love all of you and always will, and I know we will be friends for the rest of our lives regardless of what may happen.

I am so fucking aggravated right now, I couldn't even begin to explain why without throwing my computer straight across the room, smashing it into a million pieces.

Quick update/Bonnaroo Band #5

So, there is this boy I've been talking to for quite some time now online, probably close to about a year this April and I can't wait to meet him. He is funny, cute, in school, gets me, easy to talk to, and awesome which are all important things to me. I'm not entirely sure why we haven't met in person yet. He live in Clifton and goes to DAAP. Things have been so busy for the both of us when school is in, and when it isn't in, he's at home in Pennsylvania. But I'm really hoping we can work something out really soon. My spring break is next week and when he has his break and everything calms down and we both have down time, we can find some time to hang out. I've never wanted to meet someone so badly. Mainly because he is such a mystery to me, and it will be great to be able to talk in person and know he really exists.

Anyway, I did AWESOME on one of my midterm exams today. I've got two more Thursday and Friday, Biology homework due Friday and I'm about to kick all of their asses. Lindsey, hurry up and come to NKU so we can study together and hang out every day, please and thank you.

I'm sure I will have more interesting updates during/after spring break.

Bonnaroo Band #5 - Jenny Lewis

I don't really need to say much else. Everyone knows and loves her. How could you not? She is beautiful and has a beautiful voice. This time she's coming back to the Roo sans Rilo Kiley and on her own. I can't wait.

I spent the best years of my life
Waiting on the best years of my life
So what's there to write about?
What have I done?
What have I done?
So is this my destiny?
From starlight into eternity
The gods must be laughing down at me
A traveling salesmen at twenty years old
Stranded in Ann Arbor with a flat tire
And I watch the sun sadly set
Any younger, I may have wept
Much older, I wouldn't notice
But I was out there in the world
Yeah, then the world, it passed me by
I was telling everyone back home 
That I was taking it by storm 
Instead, I watched it from the roadside
What have I done?
What have I done?

But my heart is a house

Will you come and move in

Leave a space for us to give

Moving out/Bonnaroo Band #4

Although the exact location and exact time is not entirely planned out just yet, Lindsey and I have been looking at apartment ideas lately so we can move out in the summer before the Fall semester. I'm excited that this might actually happen for a few reasons. Main reason is that I can get out of here for a while and be on my own. Maybe the new environment change will be more positive and helpful than I may think. I'm hoping to be less stressed out, do better in school, meet new people, deal with my depression and maybe get rid of it, and hang out with my best friend all the time! I know my Mom is going to be against this, and I was planning on waiting until I graduated to move out, but I don't know if I can wait two+ more years. This is something I've been thinking about for the last year or two, just haven't had the job or income to support it. Now that I'm about to be working I feel like I could afford this. Moving out is something I feel like I need to do right now, even if I end up moving back home in a year. Even for 12-24 months, I feel like this needs to happen now. I need a change of scenery, a change of routine, and I don't mind the money I will have to spend that I could be saving. I think it's going to end up being beneficial in the long run.

I've started writing again. I write in this all the time, but I mean writing down ideas, stories, things that struck me and stood out in my day, etc. It's a good outlet for me, and maybe one day these will be of use.

Okay, time for Bonnaroo band #4. I am most excited for them because being one of my favorite bands, I still haven't seen them live. I opted not to at Bonnaroo 2007 and I think it was a big mistake on my part. I will not miss them again.

Wilco - "Impossible Germany"

You always were an asset

You never were a drawback
No you weren't

Put away your corset, put away your shoe
Put away the old September blues

do you remember our last summer as independents?

Ben Folds was great as always. The venue sucked and it was not nearly as much fun as Bonnaroo, but he rocks the piano no matter where he is. 

I got a job finally. Way long overdue, I know. But I needed the break to get my shit together. In my emotional screwed up state I would have cracked under the pressure of working and going to school full time, and trying to deal with all the post-breakup mess. But now I'm back into the swing of things, ready to make and save some money so I can get an apartment in a year. But anyway, I start out $11.25/hr, plus $0.40 a mile to drive. Probably around 20 hours a week. I also make my own schedule and work whenever I want. I'm happy about it.

I pre-ordered Cursive's new album, and I can't wait to hear it. I've been spending a lot of money lately but I don't mind. Now that I have a job I really don't mind. I've got the money to spend so, I'm going to buy what I want. I get a new package delivered like every day, or come home with a bag from an apparel store. My mom called me Rockefeller yesterday. She's funny.

Is it time for this yet?

"It's okay, you don't have to pay. I've got all the change"

So, I'm in the market to buy a new car. I think I'm in the process of finding a job finally, in this black hole we call a recession. I found a nice used 2007 Nissan Sentra for only around $9,800, and the mileage is decent. I don't know, this was a decision that I made on a whim last night, but I'm going to need a new car eventually. Even though Toyotas last forever, my car is slowly but surely falling apart one piece at a time. It would just be pointless for me to put any money into a 1996 Corolla when the damn thing only cost me $3,500 to begin with, and was wrecked before I got it and has since been wrecked. I'm not going to get much from it, probably $1,000 if I'm lucky, but I think this is a good decision. It's the perfect time to buy a car right now because the economy is so crappy. Maybe I can wait for one of these little dealerships to go out of business and sell me this car for practically nothing. We'll see. Anyway...



See you tomorrow!!!

In one week, I'm going to be the proud owner of these Betsey Johnson slingback wedges, estimated cost around $250. Getting them for a fifth of the price. I have never been more excited for a pair of shoes before.










God I'm going to be hot this summer.

To you, wherever you are.

"Random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2009. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."

In two days, it will be a year since we were last together. It feels like a long time has passed, but in the grand scheme of things, it really hasn't been. I guess I can say it's been getting easier. I don't know, it's so hard to tell anymore. It all sort of just blurs together in some continuous form of missing you and trying to move on. I just occupy my time when I can't get the thought of you out of my head. I wonder if you miss me. Maybe not. Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing has changed for me, although I am older and I think a bit wiser. I have good days, and I have terrible days. Sometimes it's nice to spend time by myself, other times I cannot bear to be alone. But right now I'm okay. It's not one of those cliche "I am so heartbroken because it's Valentine's day" sort of things, I just keep thinking about Valentine's day last year and the year before. I don't know, it was nice. I've never been loved before you, so I'll probably still feel this way on Valentine's day 2010.

I don't have anyone, and I'm okay with being alone. There are so many things I want to tell you, so much good music to share, so many movies to talk about, a book that I've read that I think you might like. That's probably the worst part of it all... Losing my best friend. I couldn't talk to anyone the way I talked to you. It isn't the same. Things aren't the same. I've been looking at the world very differently since you left, and I don't know if it's in a good or bad way. It's probably good. I try not to be so negative all the time. I am still very sad but, I think I can either keep going with my head high, or just keep going and be miserable. I'm working on the former, but we'll see. Days have been easier, especially lately. For no particular reason either. I haven't met anyone, I don't like anyone, I don't really know what it is. Nothing spectacular has happened.

I guess that's how it always is. It gets easier, but you never really forget. I don't think you ever stop missing someone.

Bonnaroo Band #3

I have nothing to say today.

The Decemberists - "Engine Driver"

Day 1

Since I'm getting impatient and tend to get sidetracked on the weekends from hanging out with friends and occassionally drinking, or going out to eat and being tempted, I'm starting a semi-crash diet today. I know they are unhealthy so I don't even want to hear anything anyone has to say about it, but I'm an overall healthy, tiny bit overweight, 20 year old. It's not like I weigh 300 pounds and have high blood pressure and heart problems. This diet shouldn't do too much damage, but rather let me drop around 20-30 pounds by the end of May which is my ultimate goal. I need to look good for Bonnaroo/bikini season/my 21st birthday this summer. I think if I just lose some weight in a short amount of time it'll really improve my morale, so I'm doing it whether anyone likes it or not.

Day one. Starting weight as of noon today (yeah, I'm not going to be shy): 166 pounds. Goal: 130 pounds. So 25-35 pounds in four to five months.

Anyway, I'm getting a haircut the first week of April. Any ideas on how I should get it done?

Slumdog/Bonnaroo Band #2/Random

Slumdog Millionaire was really good. I'm now having an even harder time deciding what is going to win. I haven't seen Frost/Nixon yet, and I would love for The Reader to win, but for best picture I think The Curious Case of Benjamin Button has this in the bag. Milk was good, but I don't know if it's as good as the others. I love Oscar time. I love movies.

I woke up at 11:50 AM so I could buy my Bonnaroo ticket since they went on sale today at noon. Totally got it. If I can't go I'll just sell it. But I have every intention to be arriving on that beautiful 750 acre farm in Manchester, Tennessee on June 11th for the third time.

Speaking of Bonnaroo, here is band #2 (and these are in no particular order, I just randomly choose a band and a good song).

MGMT - "Pieces Of What" (probably my favorite MGMT song)



They were there last year in 08, and played directly after Superdrag but we missed them due to having to go back to our campsite to eat/set the rest of our stuff up. I will not miss them this year. I have some sort of unhealthy obsession with Andrew VanWyngarden and I need to see him in the flesh before my life can be complete. Kidding... But not really kidding.

I'm very excited about this year's Bonnaroo and I've said it about a million times, but I honestly can't think of anything I'm more excited about. My 21st birthday doesn't even top it. This year I'm hoping Ashleigh and Geoff come with us so we can have a huge campsite and even more people to party with us. Hopefully!

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after I graduate and stuff, and I can't think of one thing at NKU that completely 100% interests me. I'd love to go to film school or culinary school more than anything, but I just don't have the money or the means to move somewhere and go. It's very sad when the amount of money you have can alter your life dreams, goals, and passions. Very sad.

Bonnaroo Band #1: Of Montreal

I'm going to start posting a video of a band at Bonnaroo periodically until June 11th. In total, I'll probably post around 30 bands, because I'm sure they will be adding more of my favorites in the next few months.

Today's video: Of Montreal - An Eluardian Instance

ROO 09

Okay so, Lindsey and I checked out the lineup as soon as it hit midnight. Our luck it was put up immediately. They will be adding way more bands I'm sure, but here are the ones that we are the most excited about:

The Beastie Boys
Wilco
Elvis Costello
Ben Harper and Relentless 7
The Mars Volta
TV on the Radio
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Band Of Horses
MGMT
The Decemberists
Girl Talk
Bon Iver
Of Montreal
Animal Collective
Jenny Lewis
Okkervil River
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Portugal The Man
A.A. Bondy

And more will be announced! COME ON MY MORNING JACKET, GET IN ON THIS!

In other news: classes are going great so far, I'm losing weight, spring is on its way, and as of yesterday I am 21 in six months. I can hardly believe it, but I'm very excited to finally be hitting this milestone birthday.

There is this boy I've been talking with online since last Spring and we have yet to meet in person. I'm hoping we get to in the next few weeks. He is awesome, and not to mention attractive. It's something to look forward to.

The Reader

I saw this movie tonight. I read the book a while back and I thought the movie was actually better, which never happens. So, three best picture nominees down, two more to go.

The last couple days haven't been all that bad. I saw Revolutionary Road, although it very depressing, was really good. The acting was great, and I love Kate Winslet.

Went to a party last night in Covington at this very nice guy Sam's house, who I have met once before at a poetry reading at the Bean Haus over the summer. First of all, there were a shit ton of people there, and Ashleigh, Chris and I knew maybe two or three people max until more of our friends started showing up about an hour after we did. Secondly, his loft apartment was awesome. Brick walls, open space, hardwood floors, it was perfect. Thirdly, there was a DJ and a fashion show, which I thought was a bit odd, but whatever. I drank many PBRs, mostly in bottles. I was also staring at a very attractive boy in a brown striped jacket all evening. He left before I could get his name or number, and I've been thinking about him ever since. I hope he reappears someday, because he was extremely attractive.

Reading assignments and homework have begun. Always happens the third week of class. I'm starting to get back in the swing of things. I'm shooting for excellent grades this semester, and it's 100% achievable as long as I cut my social life literally in half and use that time to study more. With every passing semester that Bachelor's degree seems a little more real. It's really important to me to get it, and by 2011.

I just ordered $80 worth of stuff online from Forever 21. It's been a while since I've gotten any clothes or accessories, and I've got the money so I figured it was okay to treat myself tonight. I am also waiting for the last of my books to get here, and two surprises I bought for Molly and myself. I can't say until they get here because I want her to be excited.

I've been doing pretty well diet and exercise-wise. I've lost four pounds so far and I've been eating healthier. I could afford to exercise a little more than I have been, but I always do little things that I think really add up, like taking the stairs to go to class instead of the elevators, and walking to Starbucks all the way across campus instead of getting my morning coffee from the place in the science building where I have class. If not 40, I definitely think 20 pounds is sure to be lost. Maybe even by the end of April. I always go on crazy diets and say I'm going to lose weight and I go about it all the wrong ways. I'm finally on track now. I don't think of it as dieting anymore, I just think of my eating habits now as healthier alternatives and it doesn't seem like much of a chore. I think that's the main problem with people who go on "diets". You don't have to think like that, you can still eat great foods but make it so much better for you. I'm completely on track and 100% committed to losing this weight and keeping it off. I know I'll be giving up some of my favorite foods but that isn't going to matter when I get out there in the sun this summer weighing 40 pounds less and looking awesome in my bikini.

I'm very excited for summer. I feel like it just left but also that it's right around the corner again. I can't wait for Bonnaroo, for swimming and laying out, for summer clothes, for beautiful weather. I keep talking about it and it's making me very anxious!

Movies to see still: Two Lovers, The Reader, The Wrestler, Wendy and Lucy, The Soloist, Last Chance Harvey and Slumdog Millionaire. I've seen some that I've wanted to see: Milk, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Revolutionary Road. They were all extremely good.

This is just a random blog of sorts. I've got nothing of real interest to say at the moment, I just needed a break from reading this book and trying to do this assignment.

New love.

Another musician that I've just fallen completely in love with.

Behold: Andrew VanWyngarden.

Why is he so perfect?

It's the simplest of things I miss the most. Like the feeling of being alive. I haven't felt that in a very long time.

On a lighter note, Obama is president in less than 12 hours or something. Feels nice to win one for a change.

The great thing about having a good family is that no matter how alone you feel, whether it's because of romantic relationships (or lack-there-of) or friendships gone awry, you've always got someone to be there with. You've got people who are always going to be there. And the great thing about having a sister is knowing that I've always got at least one friend, no matter how tough times can get. I've always got someone around to hang out with. Plus my dog Ty. He may only be just a dog to everyone else, but to me he is one of my best friends. He doesn't judge, isn't mean, always is excited to see me and loves me unconditionally. I will admit, I do take my family for granted like more than half the time, but I hope they know they will always be the most important things in my life. Additionally, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell everyone in my life that I care about that I love them and I'm very grateful to know them. I don't ever say it enough to the people that matter.

I hate winter, my seasonal depression has seemed to have gotten the best of me here lately. I've been pretty sad the last few days, and I've really missed Johnny the last couple of nights. I just keep wondering when I'm going to move on; in February it'll be a year since we've ended things. And let me tell you, it's the absolute worst not being able to be with the one you love, and for them to be off with someone else, never to be heard from again. But you know, no matter how bad I feel about that, no matter how uncertain and scared I am of other life issues, I have good days too. And on those good days I'm glad I can take time to realize that my life could be a lot worse. I never claim to have a shitty life ever, but it may come off like I'm saying that. I'm just heartbroken and unsure about a lot of things right now. Going through a huge rough patch if you will. And yes, I get very sad sometimes, and sometimes it's hard to even get out of bed. But I do know that my life is filled with wonderful people, and I will continue to meet wonderful people and have amazing experiences. There's still so much of the world I haven't seen, so many people I have yet to meet. I'll always love him, but I'm ready to get out there in that world and start living.

Although I don't believe it, I honestly hope that everything happens for a reason. I hope there is a reason why I'm unhappy right now. I hope there's a reason for everything I've ever done, that has ever been done to me, and that has happened as a result of both. I hope good things are on the way for me. I just need to find the patience to wait for them.

Restless night

Spring 2009 semester begins for me in six hours, and I can't fall asleep. I just keep thinking about anything and everything there is to think of. My mind is racing. I always enjoy getting new classes. I feel like it's a fresh start. I can keep my grades up, meet new people, and learn new things. It makes me feel good. But for the time being, I still can't sleep. I probably won't even go to bed, I'll be up until class starts.

I've got Anthropology 273 - Race, Gender, and Culture and Biology 120 - General Biology w/laboratory today, then English 209 - Survey of American Lit II, and EMB 110 - Intro To Mass Media Tues/Thurs. Sounds like an all right semester. I think I can turn things around for myself grade wise. I'm done with gen eds after this just about, and I can start on my major, which I need to get around to changing. Then if things go according to plan, and I take a summer class or two at least one summer, I think I'll be graduating in 2011. Which means it would be taking me five years to get my Bachelor's but, it doesn't matter to me. As long as I've got it, that's the important thing. Then I hope I can start work immediately at a local high school (probably not SK because I think I might rather die) and start on graduate work so I can get the hell out of HS work and work at NKU for the time being. I think it's a pretty good plan, and of course my insane fucking idea of joining the Navy is outta here. Probably for the best, I'm not sure I would like it anyway.

Bonnaroo DVD should be coming really soon, along with the '09 lineup. I can't buy a ticket yet until I know when Molly's graduation is. I'm hoping for no more than 5 snow days but you never can tell. As soon as February is over I will know if I can go. Even though Bonnaroo makes me kind of nostalgic and sad, it's still an awesome time. I look forward to it so much, because it's really the closest thing to a vacation that I can take every year.

In less than 7 months, I will be 21. This excites me. Not because I can get hammered in public legally, but because I can also get into 21+ shows. And besides, I'd be making it to my twenty-first. It's a big accomplishment, and I'll probably feel like a real adult afterward. Although it's a half a year away, I've just been thinking of the celebration I'm going to have. Of course the typical bar hopping will occur, probably in Covington because of the convenience, or maybe even somewhere not around here, like Lexington or Louisville. But the real party is going to be at the Red River Gorge. Sounds weird for a 21st Birthday celebration, I understand. But I want to rent a cabin and have 15 or so friends drive down there with me and just have an awesome time. I love being outside so I figure I can still go hiking and swimming and sightseeing outside during the day, and have some sort of "house" party at night. Plus we wouldn't be leaving Kentucky, which is where I want to stay for this.

Things are going to be changing for me, and fast. Molly is starting college, I'll be 21, and I'll be working on my major. In the near future I'll be moving out into my own place and starting my career. It all seems like things will stay the same forever right now, but I can see now why people tell you to enjoy your youth, because it seems like yesterday I was graduating high school and now I'm finishing up the remaining years of college. How's it going to feel once I graduate college and land a job? Time moves so quickly, but you don't notice it until it's over and you're looking back. Before I know it I'm gonna be 29, counting down the days until my 30th, dreading it.

I've been thinking for the past couple of days about myself and what lies ahead for me. I don't want to end up being 30-something, unmarried (even unattached), and still in love with the one that got away while all my other friends are settling down and having kids and purchasing two car garage homes. I fear that this is my fate. I don't know, it may not be. Who knows what's going to happen or who I will meet. But I am honestly starting to be legitimately scared that this is going to happen to me. I'm totally fine being alone, I function very well by myself, and actually prefer to be by myself more than half the time. It's that longing for someone who is never coming back that I'm not fine with. I just don't want it anymore. I just want rid of it.

"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit; Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."


"We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

January 1, 2009 12:11 AM

I couldn't miss you any more than I do now. Happy New Year. I honestly hope from the bottom of my heart that you are happy, wherever you may be right now. I'm not, but that is life.


so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that can hold us back

so this is the new year