Resolutions

Here is a list of things I'd love to accomplish for next year. New Year's Resolutions are mostly bullshit, but here they are anyway.

Dear Kelley,

1. Lose weight by June 1 (preferrably around 30 pounds). Keep diet and exercise plan going from January 2-June 1 and don't take any breaks. Buy a bikini or dress that is too small on purpose so it gives you some motivation to want to fit in it.
2. Calm down. Don't be as pissed off all the time. Learn to control anger better.
3. Cheer up. Try to let go or at least come to terms with some things (and people) from your past.
4. Get a job and start saving money. You don't want to live at home after you get your Bachelor's degree, so start saving for a down payment on a house. I am saying house because if you and Ty are going to move out together, he deserves a backyard to run around in, and not be cramped in a tiny apartment. And if the house is not an option, make sure you've got enough money for at least six months rent in the bank.
5. Do better in school. You've been screwing around the past two and a half years you've been in school, and all A's and B's are indeed possible. Make the Spring semester the best semester you've had in college so far. Also, change your major and do research into education/english majors.
6. Save up enough money for Bonnaroo.
7. Stop biting your nails.
8. Be nicer to everyone, even if they aren't nice to you. Tell your friends and family you love and care for them more often. Be more generous and an overall better person to others.
9. Keep your house clean. I know you won't be living here for much longer, but you live here now so do more stuff around the house for your mother.
10. Start paying off debts (school loans, credit card bills, etc.)
11. If depression, anxiety, or anger start to get too overwhelming, go talk to someone about it. You can use the counseling services at NKU for free, so go ahead and do it if you need it.
12. Take time for you. Go for walks, go see movies by yourself, or go get coffee or lunch by yourself. "You" time is time to think and get shit together, and also it can just be relaxing.
13. Read more books. Try to finish one book a month if time allows it.
14. Spend less time on the internet and more time outside.
15. Go camping/hiking/canoeing/seadooing/anything outdoorsy more next summer. Try to shoot for Mammoth Cave once, Red River Gorge once, Brookville Indiana once, East Fork once, and any other place that you can go get physical activity and enjoy the outdoors.
16. Stop worrying so much about things you cannot control. It's not worth the stress.
17. Accept the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but so are you. Don't regret saying how you feel about certain things, because you are allowed to. And if people are going to be pissed off for it, so be it. It is their problem, not yours.
18. Even though it's been difficult, try to be more optimistic about life.
19. Make things happen for yourself. Try your best at everything you do. If they don't happen, move on. At least if you do the most/best you can, you will know it wasn't your fault.
20. Do all of these things, and not just some or most of them.

Sincerely,
Yourself

Merry Christmas

Or something like that. I wouldn't call it merry. I'm not one to sound "above" Christmas or anything, or belittle its importance, but sometimes its a load of shit to me. Very few people in this world, and who I personally know, view Christmas as a time to share with family, a time to be courteous to strangers, to give and not worry about recieving. The holidays both calm me somewhat and make me utterly disgusted or depressed. It's just the winding down period for the year, time to spend with friends and family, and just relax and have some fun. But this year again, I am alone. I've got no one to share the good times with. Sure I've got family and a great group of friends (and I mean fantastic group of friends; I couldn't have asked for better friends), but I know that it isn't enough as much as I'd like it to be. And okay, I'm 20. But you know, you can be lonely and sad and miss people no matter what the age. If you've experienced love and it's been taken from you, no matter your age, it will hurt. Even if you haven't experienced it yet, there will always be that longing for something that went missing or something you're still trying to find.

It's just so hard to be positive about the future. I'm happy with my family, happy with friends, with school, with myself. But I think I'm always doing things half-heartedly. Because if I were to be truly honest with myself and with anyone, I'm not really happy as a whole. Some days are better than others but I haven't been happy in at least a year. And it's got a lot to do with Johnny I won't lie, but other things too. I always feel too ahead of my own age, but too young to do anything about it. I feel helpless sometimes. Lost and scared, not sure of what I'm going to do next. What is my next move in life? As soon as I'm done with college, what do I do? Will I be alone? Why do I still miss him? Sometimes he doesn't really bother me. I think about how happy he must be. Even if he isn't, I always try to picture him being completely satisfied with life. Because I do love and care for him, and I wouldn't wish my misery on someone so dear to my heart. But there are those nights when I almost hate him for leaving me. I know I don't, but my heart gets so heavy sometimes that I need to turn my sadness to anger, because I can't deal with the pain I feel any longer.

Life is so funny, isn't it? You think you've found everything you're looking for and sometimes you're blinded by things, almost consumed with the idea that this is the way things will be from now on. Well, I've learned first hand this year that things can change for you in the blink of an eye. Two people who are so much in love could just drift away, as easily said as it was done. Even one person could fall for someone else so quickly. Sometimes I'll never understand how that works. I'll never understand why we aren't together. And none of the time will I ever not miss you.

But you know what? This post isn't about him. And it isn't about being lonely. I guess it's about how I'm feeling about everything. Life, love (or lack-there-of), everything. And mostly, it's about new horizons.

Yes, new horizons. Prospects. Well, I guess prospect. It's been a hell of a year, and 2008 sure has sucked the life right out of me. It's also been extremely difficult to even fathom having feelings towards another human being after what I just went through in the last 24 months. But I want to. I want to just give in to it, just declare to myself that yes, I'm going to care about this person, even try to form some sort of relationship. Even though I'm still getting over the past, and my first real love, I'm ready to take the lessons learned and leave it behind me. I haven't formally stated any of my feelings to him. I just don't want to come off as some sort of crazy girl who wants to definitely settle down by the age of 24, because truthfully I don't. I'm sure he knows somewhat of my interest for him though. I'm just really nervous about having "the talk".

To be honest, I don't have high hopes for anything developing. It sounds bad, but I know he is probably in a similar boat. I never want to assume someone's feelings for me, because it is possible to find someone attractive but not have feelings. But I want him, I do. I want to get to know him more on a personal level, even if not romantically. Just as friends would get to know each other. Maybe we won't fall in love and get married, but maybe he will have some part in bettering my life. Me moving on. Me realizing important things. Maybe none of these.

I just don't know what to do about the whole situation. It's so confusing yet so exciting and scary. It's such an amazing feeling to like someone new, but its also scary when you're not sure if they are even thinking of such things about you, let alone feeling them. I want to keep my distance and wait it out, but this feeling of anxiousness is building day after day, and sometimes I just want to come out with it no matter what the outcome. I honestly don't know. Its hard to determine what to do. I have a tendency to over-analyze things sometimes, and sometimes things are much simpler than I make them out to be.

Being close to him really does make me feel better. I just wish it was more frequently we were alone, and I guess more intense. More feeling involved. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing with someone if I didn't have feelings for them, and I'm only going to be close with that person only. No dating around for me. I just think that's a little disrespectful, to him and to myself, if I were to continue dating around with others at the same time. Maybe it's also due to my lack of interest in anyone else. But mostly the first part.

I hate that I'm writing about this, because there's a good chance he's reading. But I honestly don't really care right now. Writing things down rather than discussing it with others has always been a better outlet for me. Because I know that someone somewhere will read this and understand, hopefully.

Well, Merry Christmas to all who read this crap I write. Most of the time its just a bunch of nonsense, but here it is anyway.

"I still thought you were going to save my life. Even after that."

I know you won't ever be mine, but it sure is a nice thought.

My perfect 2009 Bonnaroo lineup:

My Morning Jacket

Modest Mouse

Radiohead

Wilco

Death Cab For Cutie

Minus The Bear

Ben Folds

The Avett Brothers

Bright Eyes or Conor Oberst by himself

The Swell Season

MGMT

Spoon

Kings Of Leon

The Decemberists

The Roots

The Black Keys

The Flaming Lips

The National

Old Crow Medicine Show

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

All of these have been at Bonnaroo at some point so, if at least a third of these show up, I'm good to go. Pre=sale is already underway but I don't want to buy a ticket until I see the lineup. I'll probably miss the cheap prices but. It's a chance I have to take.

Don't you make me go home

I never knew what I was missing
And frankly, I was better off
You let me drink from your cup
And now I don't know how to stop
I've been pounding and pleading at your window
Sadly ignored
I want it just a little bit more, I want it just a little bit more
You love me then you lock your door

This is going nowhere, and fast.

My moods change with every passing day, sometimes with every passing hour. But at this exact moment in my life, at 2:15PM on Tuesday, December 2, 2008, I've got a small longing for the new year. I feel like I'm ready to embrace it with open arms right now. I want it here now. I want to make it a fantastic year. I want to better myself and better the relationships I have with my friends and family. I want to travel more, see more, do more, experience more, party more, see more bands, see more movies, read more books, write more, work more, study more, dance crazier, sing louder, feel more, relax more, and be more passionate about everything and everyone. I want to know what I want and do more to get it. I'd love to be more open-minded, more stable, more spontaneous, more outgoing, speak up more, take more of a stand, and be noticed more. I want to eat healthier and take care of myself more. I'm going to do all of these things, and I'm going to mean them.

I feel good right now. And I am starting to realize that even though I've got a lot to be sad for, I've also got a lot to be thankful for, happy for, even hopeful for. I think I'm going to be all right.

Party tonight at Alan's, it was a lot of fun. I missed Lindsey, and my other friends. I never feel better than when I'm surrounded by all of the people I know and love. Some people were hard to read tonight, as always. I wonder if this is going to continue forever. Someone also stole my phone, which is mind-boggling to me. It's seriously such a piece of shit I don't even know why anyone would want it. It has all my numbers in it though, which is a pain in the ass because now I'll have to attain everyone's and then proceed to program them in. So tomorrow I'm going to get a new one and I'll need everyone's numbers. Not that anyone reads this but a select few, I'm just talking here.

I was reading old conversations from people I've saved over the last two years. God, I can't believe it's been two years. It doesn't feel like it should be. I never feel 20, and I never believe it's 2008. I feel like I'm so much different from when I dated Johnny, and I am. I'm more mature. I think if our relationship had started now without all of the complicated shit on both ends (which incidentally ruined everything for us) we would have worked. But the odds were against us, without a doubt. And it honestly really sucks it had to end the way it did, and it sucks the way it is now. I just can't continue caring about this anymore. It's too painful, too emotionally draining and a waste of my time.

And this new person I'm interested in, the first person I've been truly interested in since I've somewhat emerged from this horrible train wreck of a breakup, is so complicated and hard to read, I don't even know what to do with that. I know I need to do something though, and soon. Before the year is over, no doubt.

andwithxthisgun (4:45:01 AM): are you at home now
drwilymd2 (4:45:17 AM): yeah
drwilymd2 (4:45:21 AM): poutin
andwithxthisgun (4:45:26 AM): hahaha LIKEWISE
andwithxthisgun (4:45:29 AM): goddamn life sux

I'm thankful...

For the year coming to an abrupt end. That is what I'm thankful for.


Don't waste my time
This is it
This is really happening

Goodbye to Spring
And all it meant to me
It could never bring
The things that used to be
For I must have you, or no one
That's why I'm through with love

Best albums of 2008

It's about that time of year again. These are in no particular order, just the ones that come to my mind.

Attack & Release - The Black Keys
They have sort of a southern rock sound, and I was very surprised by this band. I hadn't heard them until this summer, but they are seriously awesome. This was a great album if you like southern indie rock.

Conor Oberst - Conor Oberst
Self titled album by just Conor, not with Bright Eyes. He is such a good songwriter and I'll continue to respect him for that. He may not be my all time favorite artist, but he is definitely one of my all time favorite songwriters. There are some really great tracks on this album.

Narrow Stairs - Death Cab For Cutie
Possibly my favorite album of this year. They never disappoint. Every album is like gold. I don't think you could ever sit here and say they've made a bad album, and that's impressive for a band who's had six albums and has been around since 1997. Most bands make at least one or two not so great albums. But it's probably because Ben Gibbard is amazing, has a great voice, and can write one hell of a song and tune. No one sounds like Death Cab as much as they might want to. No one ever will. They really are great.

The Second Gleam - The Avett Brothers
These guys are so awesome. I saw them live at Bonnaroo and then in Somerset, KY over the summer and they are so full of energy and passion. They have a great sound, a great love for what they do, great music, and great intentions, and that all comes forward in their performances. This album's best song for me was "Murder In The City", and if you've never heard it, at least listen once. It's awesome.

Way To Normal - Ben Folds
Haha man, Ben Folds is so cool. Saw him for the first time at Bonnaroo and he was so much fun. In my top 5 favorite performances of all time by any band or artist. I haven't listened to much of this, but I can already tell it's good. Anything by Ben is good, he is a phenomenal pianist.

Cardinology - Ryan Adams
God, I could not love Ryan Adams more right now. He is the best thing I've come across in a long long time. This album, although not his best, is still fucking awesome. Get this album. I don't really need to say much, because everyone knows how brilliant this man is.

Something For All Of Us... - Brendan Canning
Brendan Canning is one of the co-founders of Broken Social Scene, one of my favorite bands of all time. They are so badass. They have like 17 members at all times, and each member has either contributed to Broken Social and/or has solo stuff that really rocks. This album was really good, I liked it a lot.

Evil Urges - My Morning Jacket
Favorite band, hands down. Haunting, mysterious, sentimental, rock and roll is how I would describe them. This album is nothing short of great. Best band to come out of Kentucky ever. I'm proud to say I'm from the state they are.

Feed The Animals - Girl Talk
I really enjoy Gregg Gillis as of late. Not much to say about him, Girl Talk is all the craze so everyone knows what's up. Definitely best dance party tunes ever created.

The Stand Ins - Okkervil River
I haven't heard this entire album yet, but Okkervil River is definitely good. I just discovered them last year, and I sometimes wonder what took me so long.

Baby, there's just one thing
One thing that does it, does it for me
Baby, we'll find a way
We'll go out, out for a day
And I want it so bad
It's the first thing I see when I wake
So bad, it's the first thing I see when I wake

When I'm bored surfing the internet, I'll ocassionally read the stuff I write in here. I have to say it's some of the most depressing, profound, utterly ridiculous stuff I've ever seen. I guess that is the journalist in me, to write and write and write and write some more. No one reads this anyway. Why do I even bother?

Why can't I just get happy already?

I'm not used to this feeling anymore. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.

Do I extinguish this before it gets out of control, or do I keep fueling the fire?

Why do people insist on not being upfront about stuff? Do they think others can't handle the truth? Just let your intentions be known. Don't avoid telling people what you really think and feel. Just say it to them.

Election

You know, everyone has their beliefs. Every single person is set in their ways, so it's pointless to try to change minds. But I've listened to the dumbass remarks of my anti-Obama friends (and trust me, I have very few) even when I didn't want to, so now it's time for them to listen to me a little bit and try to be courteous even if they don't agree. I know, I know, it's very difficult for you republicans to understand what courteous means, but I'm sure with a little practice you can figure it out.

First I'd like to just take a minute to congratulate Barack Obama for the well-deserved win. I genuinely believe he has the right intentions for this country and I feel so proud to be an American for literally the first time in almost a decade, if not ever.

Okay, now for the fun part.

I've read from numerous people that they are extremely disappointed in the election results. It's fine to support McCain, but are you doing it because you truly believe in his abilities, or just because you always vote republican? I'm really sorry to have to say this, but just about every conservative I know votes for the republican candidate no matter how ridiculous and stupid they are. Like George W. Bush for example. Second to lowest disapproval rating in the presidential history. Just a hair above Richard Nixon. That is absolutely heartbreaking to think we let this man drive the country into the ground in the last eight years. And you know he did it, too. He didn't do shit to make this country a better place. I think a lot of you voted republican because you're too scared or stubborn to actually read up on the candidates, watch their debates, follow EACH one's campaign and make an informed decision. You guys are some of the most stubborn people ever, and you know you are. Keep in mind I know not every republican is like this, but I'm talking to the ones that are.

Everyone, regardless of party affiliation, if they can't sit here and tell me they thought the Republican party wasn't fucked up they are lying. Has anyone been actually listening to McCain and Palin? The campaign has been so negative, so focused on everything but the country that I couldn't even consider voting for them. Every time I heard McCain talk it was just to say what Obama was doing wrong and how we shouldn't vote for him. He shouldn't even have went there, he should have talked about what he was going to be doing instead of wasting everyone's time. It's fine to bring it up a little, but not constantly for months. Everyone knows Palin was picked for political purposes, too. He could have seriously chosen a better running mate, and everyone knows it. It's not the fact she has no experience, it's the fact she would have been terrible for the job. She did not belong in the White House. I've already stated my reasons in earlier posts as to why. I'll send anyone my reasons if they want to do this in private. But no one can sit here and tell me she was not a female Alaskan version of George Bush, not one person. If you do, you've been in dreamworld for the last half a year and I feel sorry for you that all you do is see red and you don't give a damn what anyone is like, as long as they are Republican. Deny it all you want though. You know you are the way you are on the inside. You can debate with us all you please, but we see through all of that crap.

I just cannot believe how ignorant some of you are being. Is this 1950? I can't believe these racist republican conservatives still exist in this day and age. Get your religion out of politics, because there is no room for it. Some of you don't want the best for our country, you are just concerned about this country's people getting a little too liberal. Well, it's 2008 and shit is changing around here. We need a more liberal way of thinking. I am far more accepting than a lot of the republican friends I have, and it's been true time and time again. I can't believe the amount of racist propaganda floating around. Obama is a terrorist? Oh, is he? He is of black and caucassian decent. And even if he had a little bit of middle eastern blood in him, that does not make him a terrorist. It doesn't matter. He is an American, was born here, was raised here. Jesus was from the middle east, was he a terrorist? Didn't think so. Just because there are some radical terrorist groups from the middle east does not lump them all into the category of "terrorist" by any means. You need to quit putting your foot in your mouth and stop saying that shit, because it's not true at all. If you actually did your homework on both candidates like you're supposed to before an election, you'd realize how insane your statements are right now.

I also want to point out how incredibly rude the republicans were being last night at the Mccain rally. He was trying to congratulate Obama on his win and talk about how nice of a guy he was, and all you dumbasses were doing was booing his name. Really? Quit being so disrespectful. At the Obama rally, we cheered when we heard McCain's name. Because we respect people. Even though I don't share the same beliefs as McCain and I didn't vote for him, I'm still not going to boo at him, nor am I going to sit here and make up lies about him. He gave Obama a race to the White House and I respect any man who can take their loss in stride and not sit and cry about it. He was a good sport about things, as was Palin with all the SNL jokes. I appreciated the fact she could make fun of herself, and actually gained a little respect for her when she appeared on the show. That's what people need to start doing. Not taking themselves too seriously. Respecting people, no matter what. Why is this country so filled with negativity?

The disrespect for people needs to end now. We have been separating this country into blue and red for far too long. Whatever happened to being American? Coming together as one to be a proud nation? I know this country has so much potential to be selfless and good, but we just can't seem to get there. Times need to change. We need to start being great people again, like in the start of the country. We don't need to worry about what candidate is against gay marriage or which one funds abortions. We need someone in the White House who just wants the best for everyone here, no matter what your party affiliation is. Obama is that person.

So, for all of you who think Obama was a bad choice, we'll show you why you are wrong in the next four years. Be proud to be an American right now. We've come a very long way having a black man holding the highest cabinet position in the United States. Even if you don't share his values (and that's okay, you are entitled to your own religious and political beliefs, yet another reason why this country is so great) be proud anyway. Screw the parties right now, just be American. Be optimistic that this country will get on the right track now. Help fix it instead of bitching about your candidate not winning. Just because the election is over doesn't mean you need to give up. We still have a lot more to do. This was only a small hurdle. We've still got a long way to go with a lot more obstacles up ahead. The sooner you realize this, the better. We need to be united as one, fix the economy, fix global warming, fix ourselves. Be better, hardworking, honest, loyal and selfless people. All of us, regardless of who you are. The walls need to come down now, it's time. We can all fix our countries problems if we all ban together. Because if it's only one thing we can agree on, it's that we're in a bad place right now and it's our job to fix it. The President just helps only a little bit. It's the people, not the people in government that really matter. We matter, the American people. Let's show the world we can be caring and giving and intelligent. If we are going to be the self-proclaimed "greatest country in the world", we need to start acting the part. Every single one of us needs to do their part to make this country a better place.

Congratulations Barack Obama. I have total faith you will be a wonderful president, because I think you are a wonderful man. Now let's get to fixing the United States of America, stat.

DO THE RIGHT THING AMERICA.

I'm pretty terrified of liking him, because he is the most difficult person to read that I've ever met. Sometimes I think there may be something, but I think it's me wishing there was. It's okay if he doesn't, I just don't want to get involved with someone who is going to drag me along with no real intentions of being with me. He may not be doing that, but I'm just being cautious. You never know with anyone, regardless of how well you know them.

I do like him though. He's so attractive and has a good sense of humor about things. I could see myself if nothing else dating him for a while. Maybe not having a full fledged relationship, but definitely enjoying his company.

I don't know. Maybe it's just not the right time for me to be with anyone, which is okay. But I don't want to fully put my heart into this if nothing is there. One terrible heartbreak is enough for one year I think.

Why do some people wish they were older? Like if you're 17 you cannot wait until 18. If you're 20 you can't wait to get to 21. And when you are 25 you're just counting the days until you're 30. Why does everyone want to be older? Being young is a joy. I wish I could go back instead of forward sometimes. I'd love to re-live my childhood with the knowledge I have now. I'd definitely change a lot of things. Or just simply enjoy being ten years old again, when nothing in the world really mattered and my heart was fully in-tact. I'd just like to see what if, you know? What if I would have went to that party, or got that person's number, or went on that vacation, or saw that movie on that Tuesday night I wasn't doing anything. Things could have been completely different. I'm not saying I'm not happy with my current life and the way things are happening and the people I know and love. Most of the people and parts of my life are good ones, and I'm happy for them. But everyone has their pain. Everyone has that someone they will never forget, as much as they want to.

I guess the time passing and getting older just makes me sad. It doesn't seem like it now, but one day I'll wake up and I'm not going to be 20 anymore, I'll be 40. 50. even 60. I sometimes feel like I'm wasting my youth just trying to find the missing pieces of myself. But most of all, every day that passes, everyone I meet, every little thing I do just fills the space between Johnny and I. With every little thing I do, even typing this, creates more distance. Soon enough, I'll hardly remember him, but with a few saved mementos from our relationship and a few pictures. I've already forgotten how it feels to kiss him, and I can't hear his laughter in my head anymore.

This does give me opportunity to find someone new, and to fall in love again. And I'm sure it will happen someday. But I am just afraid that I won't be able to give my whole heart to someone else. I think Johnny will always have part of it, until the day I die. I'm afraid I'll never accept a marriage proposal someday because I know I could never marry someone when I've got even a tiny little ounce of longing for someone else, even if I haven't seen him in a very long time. I know all of my friends are sick and fucking tired of hearing about this, and I'll be honest, I'm sick and tired of talking about how heartbroken I am. I truly am. I'm sick and tired of looking over my shoulder in public places. Sick and tired of making decisions with him in the back of my mind. And I'm really sick and tired of how much it's still bothering me a year later.

I want to have something worth waking up for in the morning.

Happy 32nd Birthday.

Sorry to everyone whom I have been kind of avoiding, or who are always waiting for me to call them back and I never do, or who I've cancelled plans on many times. I am not doing this to be a terrible friend. It's just some days it's hard to even go outside, let alone get out of bed. I have been becoming a recluse increasingly more lately, and I'm not doing it on purpose. I just don't have the energy, and sometimes quite frankly, I don't have the want to. Sometimes my days and nights just blur together in one long continuous sad moment. On the rare occasion I'm having a relatively OK day and you do finally see me, I try to appear happy, and I apologize if you can tell I'm being a huge buzz-kill. It's just that masking my depression has grown into such a tedious task, and sometimes I'm not even up to it. I'm not trying to be a terrible friend on purpose, but I know I've been coming off that way lately. If you can just bear with me through this seemingly endless rough patch I seem to be having, I think I can overcome it. I'm not sure when, and I sure as hell don't know how. But I'm honestly trying. Trying to fix it, trying to fix myself.

I've just had a terrible time letting a major chapter of my life go and come to a complete close. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like when you find old pictures of people who were once significant parts of your life, but now they just seem like some distant memory. Instead of throwing them away, you put them all in a shoebox and tuck it away in a corner of the room rarely visited. Not because you hope one day these people come back into your life per se, you just keep them in case you want to remember good times you had with them. Remember those good times when you seem to be at your lowest. I don't know why I can't simply just end the chapter, close the book. I've never really been too good at it, and I obviously have no subconscious intention of doing it now. I hope someday to forget all of the things that transpired from late 2007 to now. I'm not sure how long it will take, and I completely understand that it isn't going to be easy and I will probably need help; albeit professional or from friends and family. Or maybe just inner strength. But I do realize there is room for improvement, even a need for it. Perhaps I need a change of scenery, or a new task to take on. Although I haven't quite figured out exactly what I need to do to take some positive steps in the right directions, I do know I want everyone I've been a little cold to lately to know how sincerely sorry I am for this. And if you could stick by me through it, you won't regret it and I would be eternally grateful. Besides, there's nowhere to go but up from here... Right?

To say I don't ever miss him and I'm not thinking about him at least once every day, is a stretch for sure.

2008 has most definitely, undoubtedly, completely, entirely, without question, 100% been the worst year of my life, and I can't wait for it to fucking be over.

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

I've been feeling okay the last month or so. For no one particular reason really, maybe a culmination of little reasons. Some days aren't so great, but some days are deemed "good", at least by my standard of good.

But some days, I'm miserable. I truly try to forget all the time, and some days I even succeed not thinking about it once. But once I'm reminded, I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. They stay there, sometimes for a really long time. And although it may seem like I'm happy or at least fine, inside I'm falling apart. And it's my own fault, I don't like talking about him, don't like when people bring him up, don't like when I have to think about anything even remotely related to something about him. I actually hate it. So I avoid it, I hardly ever talk about it, and there it lingers in the back of my head. Sometimes it makes my heart feel like it weighs a thousand pounds. It really hurts. I'm thinking I could talk to someone about this, but I don't know how much good it will do.

Of course I'm willing to move on, especially with new prospects on the horizon. Actually, I never want to get my hopes up about these kinds of things, especially in this fragile state.

I think I can't move on because I'm alone, and I know he isn't. I'm unhappy and I know he probably isn't. He left me in the shittiest way possible, and I don't feel like I got the proper closure I wanted. Maybe I wasn't ready to close that chapter of my life.

I just can't explain the despair I feel when these thoughts cross my mind. It's like it never even happened sometimes, and then other times it's like it happened yesterday. Sometimes I forget entirely.

I did however have a wonderful time with someone else recently. The first person whom I actually felt a closeness with in almost a year, and it was really nice. It was nice to know that there is someone else out there with things to offer, and I just have to be willing to accept it. Can I say that this particular person is the one? No, I can't. To be honest I doubt that it will even continue on past a friendship. Sure, I like him. But, it's totally fine. I'm going into things not expecting too much. That way, if nothing comes of it I won't be too disappointed, and if something does, it'll be a wonderful surprise. For now, I'm serious about just laying low in the whole relationship department. If it happens, that's great. But am I going to actively pursue something at the moment? Probably not. I know if love wants to find me again, it will. It's done it before, and I'm sure it will do it again. But I just think it's too soon for love at the moment. I know I won't ever pass up an opportunity at it, but I will know it when I see it. I'm going to be very careful in my decisions.

If I've weathered the worst part of the storm so far, I know I can get through the rest. It's always going to get worse before it gets better. I'm not sure if I'm still stuck in the "worse" part, but if I am, I have nothing to look forward to but the better.

i know what i need and i know what i want in a relationship. right down to the littlest of details. i'm not "confused" and i don't feel i am too young to settle and be in a relationship. i don't have a hard time trusting people. i think i'm an excellent girlfriend. i give as much as i receive. i'm not selfish, i don't make everything about me. i'm passionate in every aspect: passionate about my significant other, passionate in the sexual aspect, passionate in the emotional and mental aspect. i'm not one of those women who start fights for no reason, who are always checking up on you, who are difficult to read. i tell you what i'm thinking, i tell you what i want, but in the best and most comforting way i know how. i'm not cold nor am i a prude. i think sex is a big part of feeling close to someone you love, and i don't hold out on it. i know when to give space but also when to be comforting when you're feeling alone. i'm not perfect, but i know what i want out of someone, and i give nothing less than what i would expect in a relationship, plain and simple. i've made mistakes at times and i will continue making mistakes, but i know i have a lot to offer.

i'm just looking for a specific kind of person. i'm sorry, but i won't end up settling for anything less than exactly what i want.

would there be things i'd change from my past? yes. hell yes. but the fact of the matter is, i can't go back and undo those things. all i can do is look toward the future and not dwell. forgive those who've wronged me, forget those who are no longer in my life, and hope that other forgive me for the wrong steps i've taken in life. it's really all you can do. you can't spend your life dwelling on the past for whatever reason you are, whether it was a great or terrible past. it's done, it's over. you can remember it or spend your life trying to forget. but one thing is certain: the future is all you've got right now in this moment. why not make it the one you've always wanted? don't worry about the things you can't control, forget them and move on. if you don't, they will consume you with sadness and regret, and you don't need that kind of negativity festering. i've realized in life that one of the most rewarding things is letting something go. in every sense of the word. forgetting a terrible past, letting a person go who has decided to not be a part of your life anymore, and accepting the good things that probably won't ever be again. sure, all of this creates intricate webs in your life and sometimes things that have happened to you shape who you are. i understand this. but why let something terrible shape who you are as a person? life sucks for everyone, don't think you're the only one going through it. for every time you feel really shitty, i guarantee someone is feeling the exact same, or even worse than you. the universal human experience is pain i think. everyone experiences it differently, and everyone is affected by it differently. you just need to choose which kind of person you're going to be; the kind that lets the negativity consume your day to day life forever, or the person who keeps the past in the past and realizes people make mistakes. mistakes on your end or someone else's. everyone does things for their own reasons and sometimes they don't intentionally try to hurt you but try to heal from other things themselves. if anyone can sit here and say that they've never fucked up, they're a damn liar. everyone has, and everyone will.

so let shit go. don't dwell on the past. instead of wasting your time wishing things were different, make things better for yourself. heal relationships or heal yourself, but don't waste the little time you have on this earth with regrets, grudges, or anything like that. you've always got time to make things better for yourself no matter what. even if you aren't as happy as maybe you would have been before, you can still find some sort of inner peace and accept what's happened, learn from it, and don't ever make the same mistake again. we can all just hope that whatever happens, it's happening for a better reason. you just need to hold on and wait for that better reason to come along.

sickness was fixing me some
coughed out my heart in the last stall
now that the damage is done
i never miss it at all

sexual healing? yes please.

i miss her. i wish i could go back and make things as they were. i need her in my life.

this sucks.

how i wish, how i wish you were here

we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

year after year

running over the same old ground

the same old fears

wish you were here

i will sing you songs

I love My Morning Jacket. They're so damn good. Especially live, they are amazing. Some of the bands I enjoy really suck live, or at least aren't as entertaining and awesome as MMJ. They play for like three hours straight, with the same energy in the last song as there was in the first. They don't half ass things at all, they make sure to bring the rock and if you ever get a chance to see them live, do it. I promise they will not disappoint. And if not, just make sure you obtain somehow, Okonokos Live and listen to it all the way through. SO good. Might be one of, if not my favorite band at the present moment. I don't know, I don't like kicking Modest Mouse to the curb like this, but they can't even touch MMJ live. And there are very few bands who can evoke so many different emotions from you in one song. It's usually just one, but the songs just make me feel happy sad excited regretful amazing all at once. Sounds corny, but it really is powerful. You don't realize how powerful music can be in your life. It can heal you, it can break you. It's more than the image, it's more than a particular scene to me. It's about passion, talent, and fun. Also about healing, expressing. There's just something so cool about expressing a particular time in your life or mood you're feeling with a song, and every time you hear that song you remember just how you felt and you remember the moments that made that song significant. Just like that. Music should in no way define who you are, but rather help define moments of your life and make them better. I love it.

I haven't really updated in a while. Guess because there isn't much to say. I guess a random paragraph of sorts is in order. The wedding was a lot of fun. The electric was out for quite some time and that sucked. We had a lot of wind damage to our roof, as did just about everyone in the subdivision. Roofing party soon! Some people are still out of electric. I'm thankful to have mine back. No Lexington this weekend. Just gonna try to hang out here instead. Maybe study. Maybe hang out or drink a few beers later. Done with class until next week. I really enjoy going two days as opposed to every day. I think I'm gonna schedule it like this from now on if it's possible.

Things are surprisingly getting better here lately. Had some rough days, but the past couple weeks I've felt pretty okay. I've started hanging out with some really awesome people, and it's helped me tremendously. I want to fill my life with people like this. When you've got such great company to help you through some rough times, it's hard not to gradually get better. I feel okay now, I have high hopes for my future, and in every sense of the word future. Future in school, future career, future relationships. Seemed bleak and worthless when I was stuck in that rough patch, but now (as cliche as this sounds) the light is starting to shine through just a bit. Not too much, but enough for me to keep on keepin' on.

I'm very excited that fall is here. I love September and October, when the leaves change, when the nights get cooler, and when Halloween comes. It's my favorite time of the year. I hate winter, and I hate spring. I embrace summer, but there is nothing like autumn. It's beautiful, it's calming, it's filled with delicious foods, awesome scenery, and just fun in general. When I was a kid I LOVED Halloween. I love it for different reasons now, but I always looked forward to dressing up different. My mom was really into it when Molly and I were younger. Fall always reminds me of my mom. She is the coolest woman I know, and the most important person in my life. Always will be.

My uncle offered me a job yesterday as a sales rep. for Trends INC. I'd be going to any store that has poster racks and stocking them, filling invoices, taking inventory, time sheets, what have you. Free posters, heck yeah. I'd have to drive a lot but, it's like 12/hr so I think I'm going to take it. For now. I'm also getting a second job, so hopefully tattoos are in my very near future!

so, i do believe

none of this is physical

at least not to me

so, i do believe

that anywhere it goes

it's always with me

sometimes you're a tourist with a camera
stealing souls for scrapbooks
sometimes you've got a life back home
sometimes you're really alone, you're really alone
sometimes you're really alone

there will be an answer

let it be.

just thinkin'

25 Favorite bands and artists, I'm pretty sure these are in order too.

25. The Black Keys
24. Pedro The Lion
23. Superdrag
22. Sufjan Stevens
21. Ben Folds (Five)
20. Spoon
19. The Weakerthans
18. The Rolling Stones
17. David Bowie
16. The White Stripes
15. Led Zeppelin
14. Minus The Bear
13. Radiohead
12. Mewithoutyou
11. Bright Eyes
10. The Avett Brothers
9. Broken Social Scene
8. Wilco
7. Cursive
6. Rilo Kiley
5. Ryan Adams & The Cardinals
4. Death Cab For Cutie
3. My Morning Jacket
2. The Good Life
1. Modest Mouse

Ever since my breakup last year, and the crap that I went through earlier this year... It's been really difficult to get past. I'm not happy like I once was. I'm depressed, lonely, devastated. It's just... It would be nice to win one, you know?

I've been having really weird dreams lately. I hope these aren't premonitions or anything, because most of them have been just terrible. So bad that I don't even want to repeat them here.

It's 9AM, I've got class until 1:30, and then I'm taking a long nap. Trying to do constructive things this weekend, like get through all my class readings. I'm a bit behind on that, and I need to not fall so behind that I can't catch up. My goal is nothing less than a B in all four classes. I can pull it off if I stop being lazy.

I doubt I'll be going to Ryan Adams now. I just can't really afford the ticket. If it was like $15 I could swing it, but it's like $32, not including all the service charges they will tack on. I just can't do it. I'll feel terrible that entire day because I really do want to see him. Sorry Ryan, I just can't afford your show. Maybe next time.

Give me some good recipes for food. Anything really. Appetizers, main courses, desserts, anything. I need new and exciting food options for this dinner party I'm about to have.

Molly and I have been hanging out all weekend, and not fighting at all. It's nice. Hopefully not short lived either.

I love school more and more each day. Our Student Union makes everything way better. It's really something. I'm not so mad about my tuition going up after seeing it now. I also like shuttling to class in the morning. Makes me feel like I'm at a big University. Not that I don't love NKU, but I've always wanted to go away for school, like to UK or UofL or something. Now I don't. I can stay home but also kind of be away. Molly is coming to NKU next year, and we're going to live together in the dorms.

Ashleigh and Geoff are married in 13 days! How exciting. I'm going to take so many pictures at the reception.

This September really sucks for me, because it's been about a year since Johnny and I have broken up. It's really hard for me some days to think about. I really do miss him very much. I always wonder what he's doing, if he's happy, if he sometimes misses me too, if he still thinks about me at all. I wish things with us didn't have to end, especially how they did. What makes me angry the most is why we broke up. I never once was with anyone else or even thought about being with anyone else while we were together. I loved him and only him, and even after not speaking to him for almost five months now, it's still hard for me to picture myself with someone else. I don't think he knew just how much I did love and care for him. The past is the past though, and I've got to learn to accept it. I'd like to think I changed his life for the better, but who knows. I know my life isn't better now. It's better in the aspect of love, I learned what it was, and I learned just how happy it can make me. He was amazing, and will always have a place in my heart. Always. I know people always say that, and then they forget and move on quickly, but I truly think that he was the right person for me. It was just the wrong place at the wrong time. I've learned some things along the way and I don't regret ever being with him. He was the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm so grateful every day that I had what little time I did to experience someone so wonderful.

Even though September sucks for reasons stated above, it's also one month closer to the end of 2008. I'm ready to say goodbye to it. I've been ready to say goodbye to it since about March or April. It's been the worst year and I just want to put it behind me and make 2009 a way better year for myself. I deserve it.

I don't know what the future holds for me. After graduation, who knows who I'll be with, what I'll be interested in, what I'll want to do with my life. As of right now, I'm just focusing on getting off academic probation and getting my Bachelor's, and then I plan on joining the Navy. I've got nothing really holding me back from the Navy, especially the whole me being single part. But if I do start seriously dating someone in the next 2 or 3 years, I am going to reconsider this decision. Only time will tell what the future holds for me. As of now, the Military is a serious option for me in 2011.

Come on life. Give me something good again. I need it.

I don't know who I am
Who I am without you

My classes so far today have been awesome. I've got one more at 6:15 tonight, so we'll see how that one goes.

First one, is English 291- Advanced College Writing, and the professor seems pretty cool. I love writing so I'll enjoy the class either way. Then I've got Anthropology 230 - Native American Indians. I know a few people in there, so it should be a good time. I just had my Music 108 - History of American Popular Music class, and I'm pretty sure I'm in love with my professor. He rules. We got to watch a White Stripes Youtube video in class. I'm very happy with this semester and it's only been the first day for me. I'm happy with my dorm and how it's not directly on campus. I get to take the shuttle for free so I'm not going to have to drive to class anymore. It's convenient, and I feel totally motivated now. My roommate is even nice. I got a pretty sweet deal going on.

I've got no classes MWF so tomorrow I may go home and lay out, get more clothes and whatever else I forgot, and see my dogs. May go shopping too. I've got a Forever21 store credit I need to use. I also need to find a way to buy some books for Thursday, or at least for next week. My loan hasn't come yet, so I haven't even paid for my tuition or housing/meal plan.

This past week hasn't been too terrible for me. It's actually been pretty okay. I haven't felt as sad as I usually am. That's a good thing. Maybe that means things are finally looking up. Maybe I'm just adapting to everything that's happened. Maybe time is finally being good to me. Who knows. I don't want to jinx myself, but I like feeling just okay. By no means am I happy, but I can settle with okay for once... For now.

I really can't wait for Ashleigh and Geoff's wedding. I hope things go well with my date.

I want tattoos this winter. I'm definitely going to shoot for at least one. I've got ideas.

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

what a good night.

I just have to take a few minutes to talk about my night.

First, my mom and I moved some of my stuff into my room. It's not the Ritz-Carlton, but it will do. Most of my stuff is here at my house so I didn't stay last night.

After we were done with that, we headed over to my Grandma's friend's place for a class reunion they were having. These people are loaded, I mean seriously. My mom gave me a tour of their newly renovated house, and their bedroom was the size of our living room, kitchen and bathroom combined. They also have a dining room, living room, HUGE kitchen, a sun room, guest rooms on the second floor, 3 room basement, and a couple other bathrooms. Oh, it's not over. They live on acres and acres of land, have tons of crops that they grow, a tennis court, and if I'm not wrong, a pool. It's insane how much money they have. But I've known them my entire life and they are really good people so we actually had fun. My mom and I were bartenders for the evening, and I snuck in about three beers and a margarita. Everyone there was at least 65 or older. But they kept drinking and talking about sex, and I thought it was hilarious. I tried to hook my grandma up with this friend of hers who was her "date" for the night. He always goes on vacation with her and her little group of friends and they always room together. I think they've hooked up but she denies it. I was trying to be cupid all evening. He is surprisingly good looking for someone his age. I don't think she is gonna go for it, but at least I tried all evening long haha.

Afterwards, the whole family headed over to see Danny at his going away party at a bar/restaurant. He's joining the special forces. If anyone needs to know who this is, he lived next door to me for about six years, and his whole family became like my family and he became sort of like a big brother. I hadn't seen his mom Belinda in SO long. She was like my second mother when she lived here. She's kind of like my mom, except she is a little younger and way bubblier and kind of girlier. Her and I just gossiped all night about people at the bar haha. She is definitely one of my favorite people of all time... And I can only say that about a handful of people. Jeremy and Matt had left earlier so we missed them. Danny apparently got married last night, which is ridiculous. I still remember him being 12 years old with braces. I can't believe how old we are now. It was a good night though. When we were leaving, I gave him some hugs, and he told Molly and I that "they issue me guns, so as your acting older brother I need to tell you that if anyone messes with you, call me. I'll give you my digits and when you call, it's specifically for beating purposes." I really miss them sometimes. It was like an extension of our immediate family when they lived here. We'd go camping, have little sleepovers, swim, get in the hot tub, it was great. We had so much fun.

I'm getting excited for Ashleigh's wedding. Her bachelorette party should be really fun. They're getting a hotel room, possibly a party bus and then going out drinking. I'm not quite old enough but I'll pregame or something. Or sneak drinks. The wedding reception hopefully will be awesome. I'm going to dance all night long, and hopefully work some of my magic. Whatever my "magic" is. I don't know specifically what that means, but all I know is that I'm going to make it a good night for myself in a few different aspects haha. I'll just leave it at that. I'll add that I do look extremely attractive in my dress and heels. No man or woman can resist the advances of a sexy brunette in that dress and heels, I'm sorry. No one.

Summer is at the beginning of it's end, so I'm going to go enjoy my pool before we have to close it.

Does anyone want to go see Ryan Adams? I'd love it if someone would accompany me.

Last night was crazy. I went to Shannon's for Stephen's second-to-last-night-in-town get together. Had some beers. Also took pictures with five dudes in their boxers. I don't know how everyone got in their underwear last night. Josh and Keith started it and then everyone else just followed suit, and I even did it. Then we proceeded to take like 100 pictures of us just goofing around in our underwear. Afterwards Josh, Stephen and Caleb came over at literally 5am and we swam in cold ass water until 6:30, when I eventually passed out. It was a pretty okay night. They're having a last hoorah for Stephen tonight before he moves to Nashville in the morning.

Class starts next week. I go Tuesdays from 9-1:30 and then a class from 6-9, and Thursdays from 9-1:30.

Speaking of class, I'm moving out tomorrow! I've gotta get up kind of early and get all my shit in the truck. I don't have much, just basics for now. I've got the busiest day tomorrow. Moving in, helping at my Grandma's class reunion (why they want hawaiian ice there is beyond me), then Danny's going away party/engagement party at some bar tomorrow night. I haven't seen him in so long, Belinda either. They lived next door for so long they're family. I feel so bad that we haven't had the time to go visit them at all. I've seen Matt and Jeremy since their move, but I haven't seen anyone else. I'm very excited to be going.

I realized last night that although I haven't spent much time with him or even know him that well, I still think he is very hilarious, interesting and I am extremely attracted to him physically. I would definitely love nothing more than to get to know him better in the next couple of months. I haven't really had feelings for anyone since Johnny and I split. I've had dates and what not, but I knew those weren't going anywhere. It feels nice to be able to have feelings for someone, or in my case now, potentially have feelings for someone in the near future. I still don't know him very well at all, but at this point it is safe to say I want to pursue something. If nothing else, make a friend and get to know someone who I think is very interesting. Only time will tell at this point.

I just feel like it's time to move on from everything in my past. All the heartache I've suffered with a handful of people, I need to let go. I've let most of it go but I haven't quite let go of one. God knows I loved him more than anything in this entire world and I definitely loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. Of that I am completely sure. But I can either try to get over it now, or suffer more and get over it later. I'm not going to let my past ruin my future anymore. From this day on, I'll savor the good times I had with him but I'm going to do my best to move on, pursue this new guy, and focus on only that. I think it's the best decision I can possibly make for myself right now.

I've got a busy couple of days ahead of me. I'll try to upload those crazy pictures from last night if they ever surface on the internet this weekend.

granted i am tipsy right now, and it's 6:42 am, but i think i want him.

I miss Lindsey. I truly do. Every single day.

I'm in dire need of a drummer, guitarist, and possibly even bassist. If you'd like to start a band with me, PLEASE do not hesitate to tell me! Here is what I'm looking for: Male or female musicians with pretty good voices, perhaps someone who can read music, who is really good at writing music, who has (or is capable of writing) lyrics, and who wouldn't mind doing a bunch of different things and not just playing one genre of music. To give you some examples, I'd like to sound like Broken Social Scene, The Avett Brothers, Band Of Horses, Ryan Adams, Wilco, Rilo Kiley, Interpol, My Morning Jacket, and The Good Life all rolled into one. It'll be like an indie rock/bluegrass/folk band. All our songs will sound different. If you know someone who wants to do that, or you do, I will be glad to hear from you. I want to also book some shows too. As soon as we get our shit together of course.



So this is me, in real time. My hair is shorter and curly. It's weird, but it's a nice change. I'll be honest though, I can't wait until it grows out like four more inches and the perm wears off. I am destined to have long straight hair forever, and I'm okay with it.

Also in other news, The Dark Knight is scheduled to come out on DVD sometime in December, or so I read on the interweb. I cannot wait. I'm going to hold movie nights where all we do is sit around, drink, eat popcorn and watch that movie. Okay maybe not all the time. But it WILL happen at least twice.

Molly is turning 17 on September 20th, and I'm throwing her a party the day before. I hope everyone comes. It'll be like the last hoorah before it starts getting cold. I can't believe summer is almost over. More importantly, I can't believe she is already 17!

I need good in-school job suggestions. I'm going to try to shoot for a job by October 25. Something close, preferrably in Highland Heights by where I'll be living so I can walk to work or take the shuttle. But anywhere in NKY/Cincy really. Any good ideas? Pay is irrelevant.

I've got nothing of real interest to say, just advertising for things.

P.S. I've realized that as a general rule, I usually don't ever date anyone who wasn't born and raised in Kentucky. I don't do it on purpose, but I've just never really been that into people from Ohio. Now that I think about it, everyone born in Ohio is so weird to me. Even though I was born and raised here on the brink of Cincinnati, I still identify with Kentucky and the southern parts of it. I have always hated Ohio, and every person I've ever tried to be interested in from Ohio just sucks. It's amazing what difference a 10-20 some mile distance makes. You can be from here and be totally awesome or you can live right across the river and suck terribly. Crazy how that works.

Maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe they don't. I haven't been able to find comfort in anything since the split last year. Time keeps passing but I feel like it's standing still for me. I am in the same place, I've got the same sad feeling, and I still think about him every day. He has since moved on I am sure, and that really bothers me. It bothers me to think that I'm forgotten, when I have done everything but forget. I try so hard to move on, it's just not been so easy for me. I'm in a bad place. I need something to lift me up, and make me feel alive again. I've been running on a quarter tank of gas lately. I can't get excited about much.

I'm really hoping someone wonderful comes along soon. I can't spend every second of my life wishing things were different because they won't be. Maybe some things will start changing for me. But how long am I going to try to convince myself of that before it actually happens?

Who knows what the future holds for me. I want to say good things, but that may not be true. I wanted nothing more than to start a life with him and eventually get married and have a family. It hurts to think that will happen with someone who isn't me. It should have been me. I was meant for that I think.

I need some distractions, really soon. I'm hoping for this new guy to work out. If nothing else, it will help me. With what? I'm not sure. We will see.

i get my hair cut and permed tomorrow. it's been about 8 months since my hair has been cut. it's really long. i think heather and i might venture to clifton later, hopefully ben comes along.

i worked hawaiian ice today. my mom and i got some quality time in, just watching the olympics and probably going over the days limit of sugar intake with snowcones. it was an okay time.




i get to see this wonderful man october third, and let me just say that I'M PUMPED!

six months and the 2009 bonnaroo lineup should be revealed. my bonnaroo dvd should arrive sometime before christmas. i hope i'm in it. i tried to get in it every time a camera was around. those of you who ordered one, when you see ben folds play, look for us because i'm pretty sure we were so close that the camera was three feet away.

my dress comes in tomorrow. i hope it fits. i ordered it now just in case. ashleigh's wedding is the 13th of september so i've got little time to prepare myself costume wise. i've got a date lined up as of earlier today, and i plan on making it a great evening for myself. i haven't had one in a long long time.

i move in 5 days. i must do laundry. every article of clothing i own needs to be washed, otherwise i have to pay for it over there or keep coming home to get my stuff. i can't wait for the first day of class. i'm excited to start a new semester, and i'm going to try to leave all my baggage out of my schoolwork this time.

i have recently realized that i am always thirsty, no matter how much i drink. i drank two cups of coffee, 10 bottles of water, and a coke zero yesterday. what is wrong with me?

i am going to have an end of summer/back to school/fall is here and winter is right around the corner party soon. maybe at the end of september. molly's birthday is coming up, maybe i should throw her a party.

i can't believe my birthday is already passed. i can't believe i am 20. i can't believe i'm starting my third year of college in a week or so. where did the time go?

it's quite amazing how you can just push someone out of your life, who at one time meant a whole hell of a lot to you. and in such a short amount of time. it really does amaze me. i still haven't quite figured out how someone can do that.

all i know is, i need a serious date for ashleigh and geoff's wedding. like, a romantic date. i think i have someone in mind. but who knows. does anyone want to be my date? it is strictly a romantic date. i haven't had a good date in a long time. i'll look pretty, you won't be disappointed. :)

i miss you so much tonight.

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below
So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

Move on over

Screw Michael Phelps. Helloooooo, Ryan Lochte.



Oh yeah. Babe.

:)

I had a terrible day yesterday... Until I decided to go out around 10. I picked Troy up and we headed up to Sitwell's for food. They stopped serving just about damn near everything so we just got a cup of coffee and watched men's swimming there. We dominated, by the way. Go America.

Afterwards, we drove over to Northside and went to this bar where John Hays was, and our friend's band was playing, and I have to say they are pretty legit and I enjoyed listening to them. They really make me want to start a band, and after years of talking about starting one, I am dead set on having a band together by next Spring. Mark my words!

We left after they got done playing, and drove to Highland Heights Kroger to get some grub and prepare it back at his house. I got to drive past where I'll be living in ten days. It looks awesome. It's a stone's throw to restaurants, Kroger, and campus. I might actually like it.

Last night, I was texting him nearly all evening. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I can't help but get excited about this. It might not turn out to be anything at all, but... This might just be the start of something. It's far too early to tell, but I still smile every time I hear my phone go off.

I'm so excited to start school. To start a band finally. To maybe start a new chapter in my life. Things will be changing for me soon. I can feel it. The night is darkest just before the dawn, and that sun is slowly rising every day. That may sound cliche, but I don't care. I'm savoring this moment, because I feel okay for once.

random thoughts

i get to go back to scotland and england for two weeks in fall 2010, if things go the way they are supposed to. i'm pretty excited for this.

my morning jacket is saturday. i hope i can find someone to drag along to louisville.

i'm full of mixed emotions about just damn near everything.

i can't wait to move in. i get to the 23rd, or at least they said upperclassmen get to. since this is my third year, i guess this makes me an upperclassman. but just barely. i definitely need to get fucking moving in school and stop screwing around.

i've lost a few pounds. i am now motivated to keep with it.

today, a very attractive guy at abuelo's gave molly and i free food when we went to place a carry out order. it was quite nice.

i have sun poisoning on the inside of my arm. all i want to do is tan my legs and i can't do that, because my arms need to stay out of the sunlight until this is gone. it's a huge bummer.

i seriously need to get on a regular sleeping schedule. when classes start, i'm gonna be all screwed up.

i love the summer, but i can't wait for it to be over. in fact, i can't wait for the entire year to be over. i really want christmas to come and go as quick as it can, because this year has just been terrible for me.

nick is getting worse every day i think. it might be the end for him. i am very sad.

i love the black keys.

i need to quit drinking. for a while. i make terrible decisions while intoxicated. i need to quit it.

meghan and i are going to organize a party next summer for my mom and her best friend. they will be friends for 40 years next year. since kindergarden. that is insane. i can only hope for a friendship like that.

i'd like to visit chicago again before the weather gets cold. i highly doubt this will happen, but it's a nice thought.

i just bought 50 bucks worth of stuff off the internet. i need to stop spending. but, the dress i got sure is amazing. i keep telling myself i had to buy it for ashleigh and geoff's wedding. and i did, i don't have anything to wear. yeah, i have to justify my purchases to myself. i always feel terrible when i spend money i don't have.

talk show host might be my favorite radiohead song.

the dark knight in imax. it's happening.

i may have a small crush on someone, but i am not sure yet. you know when you think you might be attracted to someone, and then you spend time with that person, and you either definitely like them or you definitely don't? that is what this is. i haven't had too much time, so it's up in the air. but we'll see soon enough. i won't get my hopes up though. most things like this have not worked out in my favor.

i need to buy books, but i am so broke it's not even funny.

does anyone ever feel like taking a break from life? better question: what can i do to take a break from my entire life for a while? maybe just a few days. and also, does anyone want to buy me a wii for christmas?

i have to buy twin sheets for my bed in my dorm. i want to buy a whole set, and i want it to be the most ridiculous comforter set ever so my roommate thinks i am weird. she is already going to think that the first week we move in anyway. i just want spiderman sheets. that's all i want.

i am addicted to this game on pogo. sometimes, i will play it for a while and look down, and three hours will have passed and i didn't even know i was playing so long. i haven't played it for a while since i realized it can totally suck me in and make me waste valuable hours of my life that i could be using to do constructive things.

get me to the gulf coast beach... as soon as humanly possible.

i really want my hair to be curly. i need to call ben. i'm getting very bored with my hair. plus it wouldn't hurt to have a self esteem boost here soon.

james franco is a sexy man. extremely sexy. i can't even begin to say just how sexy he really is without being extremely turned on. no joke.

i miss a few people. way too much sometimes.

i am in dire need of a massage. my back and neck are in so much pain right now.

it's 4:48. i need to try to sleep, but i doubt it'll come.

I just have a feeling that just maybe... Something is going to be happening to me soon. I won't know it until it happens, and I really don't even know what this could mean, it's just this feeling I've got.

I really hope something does come my way. I can give no examples because it could be such a broad spectrum of things that could come in a lot of forms. All I know, is that it needs to be happening soon. I miss the feeling of being happy. Give me something, anything.

rant for the day

i really hate when people improperly use commas. especially excessively.

i'm going out to party. oh, and i still hate my life.

Trying to forget last year, and him, has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to try to do. I'm not doing so well, either. I'm no good at letting this go. I'm trying not to let it affect so much of my daily life, but when you've got depression and the love of your life is no longer with you, it's hard to keep the sadness at bay. It lingers over me. Every minute of every day I'm trying to focus on something else, to push it out of my head for a while. But there it continues to stay. It's fucking difficult to get over, I won't lie. I'm not going to sit and pretend like he wasn't the best thing that had ever happened to me, because honestly he was. It's hard to stomach that he isn't here, and not only that, he is with someone else. In September it'll be a year since we broke up. I can't believe it, it feels like it was only a few short months ago, which is kind of true. The last time I saw him was February. The last time we spoke was in April I think. In my mind, it's still fresh, and I can't even begin to imagine being with someone else. Everyone else just doesn't seem good enough. I compare everyone to everything that he was, and if I keep doing that, I'll never be happy with anyone. I just wish things didn't end up this way. I'm not even sure why. I guess it was just too much all at one time. The reason we broke up in the first place was nothing huge. A tiny little offense that snowballed at the worst possible time. We just never got the chance to have a normal relationship. It's what ultimately destroyed it. Love isn't enough. I loved him more than anyone ever will, and it still wasn't enough. I am thankful for that little time I did get to spend with him, because I'll tell you, there wasn't any other time I can think of in my life when I was happier than when I was with him. It could have been a wonderful relationship that could have ultimately turned out to be something permanent. We were just never given the chance to experience it, and that's such a sad thing. Neither of us are ever going to know just how amazing it could have been. If he ever decided that he wanted to find out, I'd gladly find out with him. As long as I still love him, I don't think I could ever be with anyone else, because it would only be second best. I don't want to live the rest of my life with second best. I want all or nothing. That's it. I doubt very much that our paths will cross again in the future, as much as I hope to God they do. If they don't, they don't. There isn't anything I can do about it. I may be very lonely, but at least I can say with honesty that I never sold myself short, and I experienced a kind of love that I now know lives on probably forever. I was completely his, always, the entire time. From beginning to end. I still would be, today. And I am very proud to say that I experienced that. It was beautiful, it was life changing, and I'll never forget it. I've got nothing but good things to say about him, and I'm not bitter about it anymore. I am very sad, and I do cry about it often, but I had it. And that, to me, is better than never at all. It's better than anything. The things that I do in my years to come, I'm sure, will be wonderful and thrilling and great, but I won't ever appreciate anything like I do him and what once was. I wish to someday tell him just how much he really means to me.

If you ever decide to be part of my life again, no matter the timing... In a year, in five years, I'll be here. I'll be waiting.

I just had the worst dream. I wish they would stop.

No one really knows just how miserable I really am on a day to day basis. I hide it well. Just know, that sometimes I want to jump off a fucking cliff.

Happy Birthday to me.

I guarantee that this birthday will be nowhere near as meaningful as my last one.

I sure do miss you, a lot. More than I can say.

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now
It's tumbling down, hard

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

Taking a moment of appreciation

Even as a little girl, I always knew I'd be leaving NKY/Cincinnati at some point. Not permanently but for a while. I'd love to take some time to travel, and I would love to live in other cities for a few years. I'd love to live in places like Chicago, Knoxville, and Nashville. I used to want to live in New York City for a while, but I don't think it's for me. Chicago is even too far north for me. I've grown to really love where I was born, and the south. I do consider myself part of the south because it's everything I know. Of course I grew up here and basically have lived my entire life in Cincinnati, but I've also spent a significant amount of time all over Kentucky and Tennessee and I love everything about it. I do want to travel and see what else is out there though. I want to branch out and experience other parts of the world. I know I'll end up leaving for an unknown amount of time sometime in the future. I believe home is where you make it. I could settle down anywhere if I so choose. But, I do know where my heart will always lie. Right here, forever.



It's my home, it's where I learned everything I know. How to walk, talk, read, write, share, love. It's where my first kiss was. It's where I lost my virginity. It's where I've celebrated every Birthday. It's where I had my first drink. Where I learned to drive. Where I've fallen in love, on two separate occassions. Where I graduated from High School and now where I attend college. I don't love any city like I love this one. I simply think that Northern Kentucky is the perfect place for me. It's not exactly the country or the big city, but both of those are within a relatively short driving distance. It's only 5 hours away from Chicago, 5 hours from Knoxville, and 6 hours to the Atlantic ocean. My whole family is here. Most of my friends are here or were raised here like I was. It's damn near everything to me.

So, NKY/Cincy, although one day I may spread my wings and leave here for a while, possibly a long while, just know that it will not be forever. Just know that no matter where I live, none of those places could ever be so dear to my heart than you.

Life now just seems like one long, continuous, strange-feeling day. So many emotions hit me at once sometimes, that I'm unsure how to handle them all. I just feel strange anymore. It feels a lot like denial, but I'm aware of what is happening to me. I've lost a best friend, a man I still love, I almost got suspended, and the list continues on. I know all these things happened to me, but I am still in sort of a shock still. It's hard to describe. I guess I try to make myself feel anything but sadness, because once I feel that for the things I've lost or the things I've done, I think it will be too much for me to handle and it will surely overwhelm me. I just try to keep myself busy. I try to think about other things. My mind does wander back to those things I hold so dear to my heart, yet are the furthest things from it. I know I won't be getting them back. So why is it so easy for me to say, but so difficult to just accept and move on from it? Will I ever recover or will I still be missing pieces of me thirty years from now? These are things that I wonder about, and they make me very uneasy.

I did learn some lessons from this past year though. Valuable ones, might I add. But they were not free by any means. I wonder now if those lessons were even worth it.

It's very hard for me to believe the "everything happens for a reason" bit. I don't think that at all. I think, things happen because that's the path you chose, or someone else chose and it affected you. That you may never get over them or never stop wishing things were different. Maybe forever. It's been especially hard for me to have hope since it seems that everything I once had is now gone, possibly forever, and there isn't anything being put in it's place (even though nothing really can).

I don't know. Maybe I am destined to always be doing a double take at someone who I thought was him. Maybe I'm destined to never be forgiven for the things I have done. Maybe that right person slipped through my fingers, and no one else is really meant for me the way he was. Maybe I'll never truly be 100% happy in any relationship I have for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll always compare my friends to that one I lost. Maybe I'll always be in a beautiful place, staring out at the ocean, walking downtown in an amazing city, or just laughing at a great movie and wishing they were there to experience it with me.


I do know that I'll spend every day of my life from now on bettering myself, and trying to find some sort of peace from all of this. I want to start treating people with more respect. I want to be more polite and considerate with strangers, and even with people I know. I want to be more honest and open about everything. I want to continue my education as far as it will take me and do something great with my life. I want to help others in their time of need. I want to be more selfless. I want to do all of this.


Okay, so. An update on what will be happening in the next few months.

I'm moving out into the dorms this fall. I'm sending in my application and payments tomorrow. I'm very excited for this. I have a roommate already lined up, and we are getting a third and possibly fourth that we have never met, so I am hoping to make some new friends out of this. I'm going to pour the majority of my energy into school. Getting my grades up is my number one priority at this point. I'm going to start turning things around in my life, little by little. Second priority is finding some sort of part time job to start paying off my loans. I need to do this now so I'm not a million dollars in debt by the time I get out.

Also, I'm going to take some time for me. I don't think I ever really take any relaxing "me" time at all. So for the rest of the summer, I'm going to do just that. I'll take Ty for walks in various parks, get a good book or two to read and go out on a nice day and sit in the shade. I'll go see a movie by myself and exercise somewhere by myself. Try to find some inner peace for a while. I haven't had that in a long time. I do have another very realistic goal for myself, I believe. I'm going on a strict diet and exercise regimen to hopefully lose a certain amount of weight by December 25. Let's see if I can do it. That is in 5 months, almost exactly.

Even though I've got no hope for a lot of things, I have hope that I can make a few changes in my life. Hopefully they turn out for the better.

And I'm nothing now without you
yeah, I'm less than nothing now
I'm the one between the bars
and lost forever now

'Cause it's over now
It's harder now that it's over
It's harder now that it's over
Now that the cuffs are off
And you're free
You're free with a history

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

One word: Phenomenal.

Dondante

In a dream, I saw you walkin'
Like a kid alive and talkin', that was you
In the classroom, you were teachin'
On the streets you were policin', that was you

To the one I now know most
I will tell them of your ghost like a thing that never, ever was

And all that ever mattered
Will some day turn back to batter like a joke
Behind thin walls, you hid your feelings
Takes four legs to make a ceilin' like a thing

In a dream I saw you walkin'
With your friends alive and talkin', that was you
Well I saw it in your movements
And even though you never knew it, well I knew
Just how sweet it could be
If you'd never left these streets

You had me worried, so worried that this would last
But now I'm learning, learning that this will pass

i wrote a HUGE journal entry, but decided to delete it. i hope i don't regret this decision

The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead.

First entry.

"If we ever hope to reach our biggest goals, we have to start making some tough choices. We have to start giving ourselves permission to ignore one thing—or several things—for the sake of something more important. What can be more deserving of our time?

It’s difficult to accept this idea. We’ve grown up in a world not used to saying "no" or doing without. By now, we’re used to being pulled in 43 different directions. We’re uncomfortable with the idea that we may just have to let something slide. The trouble is, we get so caught up in trying to do everything that we retreat inside ourselves. We get tunnel vision on the next task and lose sight of other people and what’s important. In a pursuit of happiness, that’s a futile strategy.

Someone smarter than me once said, "You can have everything. You just can’t have everything right now!" To reach your goals and live the life you want, it takes priorities and patience—the ability to choose between two competing wishes, and the willingness to set one aside for now and wait."

I got this in an email today. Granted, it is talking about weight loss, but when I read it I couldn't help but apply it to other things in my life. For the rest of the year, I'm going to have to face things I wanted to keep locked up inside my head. Things I wish never happened at all, but now that they have, I've got no choice really to face them head on, deal with them, and move on from them. As much as I don't want to.

I'm in a weird place in my life. I thought I had things exactly where and how I wanted them. School, boyfriend, friends, career plans, apartment plans, everything. I had all of those figured out, and I had all of those in general. But now, I'm borederline failing college, single, I've ruined a few friendships, I've got no clue what I want to do when I graduate (or if I graduate), I've got no intentions of moving out except in the dorms, and I've been seriously thinking about joining the Navy. Things are crazy. I'll be the first to admit, 2008 hasn't been the best year for me. In fact, when compared to the other 19 years I've been alive, it's been the worst. Especially the first four or five months. They were the hardest for me. But, some days are better than others. I do have somewhat good days. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about what I'm going to do next, and especially, about him. Not one day.

I'm not sure if it's my depression or that I can't let things go so easily, but it's been so difficult trying to date other people. I'm not over my last breakup, at all. And I've had to tell a few prospects that. When they say it doesn't matter, it still doesn't get very far because the truth is, it matters to me. I just feel wrong with anyone else. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think that I will be with another person. It's a weird feeling. But I know I'll either be alone forever or try to find something else. I'm just not sure when it's going to happen. I'm almost 20, I know I've got some time. But. I miss him very much, and I still love him. I think I always will.

And something else very important. I've lost a best friend this year too. Probably one of the hardest things I had to deal with. I just hope she knows that it was never my intention to make her doubt my love for her, although what I did was wrong. I won't say much more about it, but I hope she knows she deserves everything good in life. I wish things could be as they were with us, although I know that won't happen. At least not now. But I still love her and care about her very much, and she is the reason I'm trying to better myself.

But, anyway. This has been such a downer post. Lets talk about some good things that have been happening to me lately.

Bonnaroo. My second one. Felt a little strange not being there with him but, Molly, Lindsey, and Lindsey's friend Bri went with me. We had fun. I took lots of pictures. Saw lots of bands. It was a good year. And I'm going next year, too.

Mammoth Cave. Went with my parents and their friend Dave over the 4th of July weekend. I took some cave tours, hiked about 10 miles, and just got to be away from everything. I didn't realize I loved being out in nature so much until this camping trip. It was so nice. I love God's country. Oh, and my tour guide was awesome. He was cute, and he had a southern accent. I found him online and I'm waiting for a reply back. Hopefully I get it.

School. I haven't failed yet! I'm still barely getting by. I missed so much school this past semester because I was sad that I'm barely still allowed to be there. But, I met with my advisor and then the Assistant Dean and asked them both about ways I could deal with my depression. I'm going to be starting free counseling services at Northern. I think it might be a really good way to help get me in the right direction, honestly. If it's not for me, then it's not for me, but I'm going to try it.

Cursive. They played a 21+ show April 9, and it was amazing. I snuck in, saw them play, and when they were done, Tim Kasher came off stage and talked to everyone. Alan tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he'd give me a hug, and he replied with "Oh, absolutely!" and hugged me. Then he talked to us for a minute or so, shook my hand and mingled with everyone else. I know it sounds ridiculous and super girly of me, but I loved that moment. It was such a good moment. So many terrible things had been happening to me, and when he hugged me, I focused only on him and what was happening. My mind didn't wander to anything else. And that's important for me to know. That I am capable of finding some sort of happiness and not thinking about things I can't control. So thanks Tim, you've given me some hope for my future.

Shows, obviously. So far this year, I've seen (at separate shows or at Bonnaroo): Cursive, Minus The Bear (twice), The Weakerthans, Portugal The Man, Modest Mouse, Superdrag, Vampire Weekend, The Avett Brothers (and I'm about to see them again in Somerset!), Broken Social Scene, Death Cab For Cutie, Ben Folds, My Morning Jacket, Jack Johnson, M.I.A, Kanye West (who was terrible by the way), The Raconteurs, Rilo Kiley, Sigur Ros, and probably more, I know I'm leaving some out. It's been the best year for music, and it's not even over yet. It really makes things not so bad when I get to see so many good bands.

Things will look up. I am hoping. It's hard to be so optimistic when you've got tunnel vision but, I try my hardest. I'm going to start improving my life any which way I can and try so hard to let go of the things I can't control. It's not going to be easy. I turn 20 soon. I'll leave my teenage years behind me in the past where they belong. Hopefully I'll be in a better place soon. It's all I can hope for.