I don't know who I am
Who I am without you

My classes so far today have been awesome. I've got one more at 6:15 tonight, so we'll see how that one goes.

First one, is English 291- Advanced College Writing, and the professor seems pretty cool. I love writing so I'll enjoy the class either way. Then I've got Anthropology 230 - Native American Indians. I know a few people in there, so it should be a good time. I just had my Music 108 - History of American Popular Music class, and I'm pretty sure I'm in love with my professor. He rules. We got to watch a White Stripes Youtube video in class. I'm very happy with this semester and it's only been the first day for me. I'm happy with my dorm and how it's not directly on campus. I get to take the shuttle for free so I'm not going to have to drive to class anymore. It's convenient, and I feel totally motivated now. My roommate is even nice. I got a pretty sweet deal going on.

I've got no classes MWF so tomorrow I may go home and lay out, get more clothes and whatever else I forgot, and see my dogs. May go shopping too. I've got a Forever21 store credit I need to use. I also need to find a way to buy some books for Thursday, or at least for next week. My loan hasn't come yet, so I haven't even paid for my tuition or housing/meal plan.

This past week hasn't been too terrible for me. It's actually been pretty okay. I haven't felt as sad as I usually am. That's a good thing. Maybe that means things are finally looking up. Maybe I'm just adapting to everything that's happened. Maybe time is finally being good to me. Who knows. I don't want to jinx myself, but I like feeling just okay. By no means am I happy, but I can settle with okay for once... For now.

I really can't wait for Ashleigh and Geoff's wedding. I hope things go well with my date.

I want tattoos this winter. I'm definitely going to shoot for at least one. I've got ideas.

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

what a good night.

I just have to take a few minutes to talk about my night.

First, my mom and I moved some of my stuff into my room. It's not the Ritz-Carlton, but it will do. Most of my stuff is here at my house so I didn't stay last night.

After we were done with that, we headed over to my Grandma's friend's place for a class reunion they were having. These people are loaded, I mean seriously. My mom gave me a tour of their newly renovated house, and their bedroom was the size of our living room, kitchen and bathroom combined. They also have a dining room, living room, HUGE kitchen, a sun room, guest rooms on the second floor, 3 room basement, and a couple other bathrooms. Oh, it's not over. They live on acres and acres of land, have tons of crops that they grow, a tennis court, and if I'm not wrong, a pool. It's insane how much money they have. But I've known them my entire life and they are really good people so we actually had fun. My mom and I were bartenders for the evening, and I snuck in about three beers and a margarita. Everyone there was at least 65 or older. But they kept drinking and talking about sex, and I thought it was hilarious. I tried to hook my grandma up with this friend of hers who was her "date" for the night. He always goes on vacation with her and her little group of friends and they always room together. I think they've hooked up but she denies it. I was trying to be cupid all evening. He is surprisingly good looking for someone his age. I don't think she is gonna go for it, but at least I tried all evening long haha.

Afterwards, the whole family headed over to see Danny at his going away party at a bar/restaurant. He's joining the special forces. If anyone needs to know who this is, he lived next door to me for about six years, and his whole family became like my family and he became sort of like a big brother. I hadn't seen his mom Belinda in SO long. She was like my second mother when she lived here. She's kind of like my mom, except she is a little younger and way bubblier and kind of girlier. Her and I just gossiped all night about people at the bar haha. She is definitely one of my favorite people of all time... And I can only say that about a handful of people. Jeremy and Matt had left earlier so we missed them. Danny apparently got married last night, which is ridiculous. I still remember him being 12 years old with braces. I can't believe how old we are now. It was a good night though. When we were leaving, I gave him some hugs, and he told Molly and I that "they issue me guns, so as your acting older brother I need to tell you that if anyone messes with you, call me. I'll give you my digits and when you call, it's specifically for beating purposes." I really miss them sometimes. It was like an extension of our immediate family when they lived here. We'd go camping, have little sleepovers, swim, get in the hot tub, it was great. We had so much fun.

I'm getting excited for Ashleigh's wedding. Her bachelorette party should be really fun. They're getting a hotel room, possibly a party bus and then going out drinking. I'm not quite old enough but I'll pregame or something. Or sneak drinks. The wedding reception hopefully will be awesome. I'm going to dance all night long, and hopefully work some of my magic. Whatever my "magic" is. I don't know specifically what that means, but all I know is that I'm going to make it a good night for myself in a few different aspects haha. I'll just leave it at that. I'll add that I do look extremely attractive in my dress and heels. No man or woman can resist the advances of a sexy brunette in that dress and heels, I'm sorry. No one.

Summer is at the beginning of it's end, so I'm going to go enjoy my pool before we have to close it.

Does anyone want to go see Ryan Adams? I'd love it if someone would accompany me.

Last night was crazy. I went to Shannon's for Stephen's second-to-last-night-in-town get together. Had some beers. Also took pictures with five dudes in their boxers. I don't know how everyone got in their underwear last night. Josh and Keith started it and then everyone else just followed suit, and I even did it. Then we proceeded to take like 100 pictures of us just goofing around in our underwear. Afterwards Josh, Stephen and Caleb came over at literally 5am and we swam in cold ass water until 6:30, when I eventually passed out. It was a pretty okay night. They're having a last hoorah for Stephen tonight before he moves to Nashville in the morning.

Class starts next week. I go Tuesdays from 9-1:30 and then a class from 6-9, and Thursdays from 9-1:30.

Speaking of class, I'm moving out tomorrow! I've gotta get up kind of early and get all my shit in the truck. I don't have much, just basics for now. I've got the busiest day tomorrow. Moving in, helping at my Grandma's class reunion (why they want hawaiian ice there is beyond me), then Danny's going away party/engagement party at some bar tomorrow night. I haven't seen him in so long, Belinda either. They lived next door for so long they're family. I feel so bad that we haven't had the time to go visit them at all. I've seen Matt and Jeremy since their move, but I haven't seen anyone else. I'm very excited to be going.

I realized last night that although I haven't spent much time with him or even know him that well, I still think he is very hilarious, interesting and I am extremely attracted to him physically. I would definitely love nothing more than to get to know him better in the next couple of months. I haven't really had feelings for anyone since Johnny and I split. I've had dates and what not, but I knew those weren't going anywhere. It feels nice to be able to have feelings for someone, or in my case now, potentially have feelings for someone in the near future. I still don't know him very well at all, but at this point it is safe to say I want to pursue something. If nothing else, make a friend and get to know someone who I think is very interesting. Only time will tell at this point.

I just feel like it's time to move on from everything in my past. All the heartache I've suffered with a handful of people, I need to let go. I've let most of it go but I haven't quite let go of one. God knows I loved him more than anything in this entire world and I definitely loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. Of that I am completely sure. But I can either try to get over it now, or suffer more and get over it later. I'm not going to let my past ruin my future anymore. From this day on, I'll savor the good times I had with him but I'm going to do my best to move on, pursue this new guy, and focus on only that. I think it's the best decision I can possibly make for myself right now.

I've got a busy couple of days ahead of me. I'll try to upload those crazy pictures from last night if they ever surface on the internet this weekend.

granted i am tipsy right now, and it's 6:42 am, but i think i want him.

I miss Lindsey. I truly do. Every single day.

I'm in dire need of a drummer, guitarist, and possibly even bassist. If you'd like to start a band with me, PLEASE do not hesitate to tell me! Here is what I'm looking for: Male or female musicians with pretty good voices, perhaps someone who can read music, who is really good at writing music, who has (or is capable of writing) lyrics, and who wouldn't mind doing a bunch of different things and not just playing one genre of music. To give you some examples, I'd like to sound like Broken Social Scene, The Avett Brothers, Band Of Horses, Ryan Adams, Wilco, Rilo Kiley, Interpol, My Morning Jacket, and The Good Life all rolled into one. It'll be like an indie rock/bluegrass/folk band. All our songs will sound different. If you know someone who wants to do that, or you do, I will be glad to hear from you. I want to also book some shows too. As soon as we get our shit together of course.



So this is me, in real time. My hair is shorter and curly. It's weird, but it's a nice change. I'll be honest though, I can't wait until it grows out like four more inches and the perm wears off. I am destined to have long straight hair forever, and I'm okay with it.

Also in other news, The Dark Knight is scheduled to come out on DVD sometime in December, or so I read on the interweb. I cannot wait. I'm going to hold movie nights where all we do is sit around, drink, eat popcorn and watch that movie. Okay maybe not all the time. But it WILL happen at least twice.

Molly is turning 17 on September 20th, and I'm throwing her a party the day before. I hope everyone comes. It'll be like the last hoorah before it starts getting cold. I can't believe summer is almost over. More importantly, I can't believe she is already 17!

I need good in-school job suggestions. I'm going to try to shoot for a job by October 25. Something close, preferrably in Highland Heights by where I'll be living so I can walk to work or take the shuttle. But anywhere in NKY/Cincy really. Any good ideas? Pay is irrelevant.

I've got nothing of real interest to say, just advertising for things.

P.S. I've realized that as a general rule, I usually don't ever date anyone who wasn't born and raised in Kentucky. I don't do it on purpose, but I've just never really been that into people from Ohio. Now that I think about it, everyone born in Ohio is so weird to me. Even though I was born and raised here on the brink of Cincinnati, I still identify with Kentucky and the southern parts of it. I have always hated Ohio, and every person I've ever tried to be interested in from Ohio just sucks. It's amazing what difference a 10-20 some mile distance makes. You can be from here and be totally awesome or you can live right across the river and suck terribly. Crazy how that works.

Maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe they don't. I haven't been able to find comfort in anything since the split last year. Time keeps passing but I feel like it's standing still for me. I am in the same place, I've got the same sad feeling, and I still think about him every day. He has since moved on I am sure, and that really bothers me. It bothers me to think that I'm forgotten, when I have done everything but forget. I try so hard to move on, it's just not been so easy for me. I'm in a bad place. I need something to lift me up, and make me feel alive again. I've been running on a quarter tank of gas lately. I can't get excited about much.

I'm really hoping someone wonderful comes along soon. I can't spend every second of my life wishing things were different because they won't be. Maybe some things will start changing for me. But how long am I going to try to convince myself of that before it actually happens?

Who knows what the future holds for me. I want to say good things, but that may not be true. I wanted nothing more than to start a life with him and eventually get married and have a family. It hurts to think that will happen with someone who isn't me. It should have been me. I was meant for that I think.

I need some distractions, really soon. I'm hoping for this new guy to work out. If nothing else, it will help me. With what? I'm not sure. We will see.

i get my hair cut and permed tomorrow. it's been about 8 months since my hair has been cut. it's really long. i think heather and i might venture to clifton later, hopefully ben comes along.

i worked hawaiian ice today. my mom and i got some quality time in, just watching the olympics and probably going over the days limit of sugar intake with snowcones. it was an okay time.




i get to see this wonderful man october third, and let me just say that I'M PUMPED!

six months and the 2009 bonnaroo lineup should be revealed. my bonnaroo dvd should arrive sometime before christmas. i hope i'm in it. i tried to get in it every time a camera was around. those of you who ordered one, when you see ben folds play, look for us because i'm pretty sure we were so close that the camera was three feet away.

my dress comes in tomorrow. i hope it fits. i ordered it now just in case. ashleigh's wedding is the 13th of september so i've got little time to prepare myself costume wise. i've got a date lined up as of earlier today, and i plan on making it a great evening for myself. i haven't had one in a long long time.

i move in 5 days. i must do laundry. every article of clothing i own needs to be washed, otherwise i have to pay for it over there or keep coming home to get my stuff. i can't wait for the first day of class. i'm excited to start a new semester, and i'm going to try to leave all my baggage out of my schoolwork this time.

i have recently realized that i am always thirsty, no matter how much i drink. i drank two cups of coffee, 10 bottles of water, and a coke zero yesterday. what is wrong with me?

i am going to have an end of summer/back to school/fall is here and winter is right around the corner party soon. maybe at the end of september. molly's birthday is coming up, maybe i should throw her a party.

i can't believe my birthday is already passed. i can't believe i am 20. i can't believe i'm starting my third year of college in a week or so. where did the time go?

it's quite amazing how you can just push someone out of your life, who at one time meant a whole hell of a lot to you. and in such a short amount of time. it really does amaze me. i still haven't quite figured out how someone can do that.

all i know is, i need a serious date for ashleigh and geoff's wedding. like, a romantic date. i think i have someone in mind. but who knows. does anyone want to be my date? it is strictly a romantic date. i haven't had a good date in a long time. i'll look pretty, you won't be disappointed. :)

i miss you so much tonight.

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below
So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

Move on over

Screw Michael Phelps. Helloooooo, Ryan Lochte.



Oh yeah. Babe.

:)

I had a terrible day yesterday... Until I decided to go out around 10. I picked Troy up and we headed up to Sitwell's for food. They stopped serving just about damn near everything so we just got a cup of coffee and watched men's swimming there. We dominated, by the way. Go America.

Afterwards, we drove over to Northside and went to this bar where John Hays was, and our friend's band was playing, and I have to say they are pretty legit and I enjoyed listening to them. They really make me want to start a band, and after years of talking about starting one, I am dead set on having a band together by next Spring. Mark my words!

We left after they got done playing, and drove to Highland Heights Kroger to get some grub and prepare it back at his house. I got to drive past where I'll be living in ten days. It looks awesome. It's a stone's throw to restaurants, Kroger, and campus. I might actually like it.

Last night, I was texting him nearly all evening. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I can't help but get excited about this. It might not turn out to be anything at all, but... This might just be the start of something. It's far too early to tell, but I still smile every time I hear my phone go off.

I'm so excited to start school. To start a band finally. To maybe start a new chapter in my life. Things will be changing for me soon. I can feel it. The night is darkest just before the dawn, and that sun is slowly rising every day. That may sound cliche, but I don't care. I'm savoring this moment, because I feel okay for once.

random thoughts

i get to go back to scotland and england for two weeks in fall 2010, if things go the way they are supposed to. i'm pretty excited for this.

my morning jacket is saturday. i hope i can find someone to drag along to louisville.

i'm full of mixed emotions about just damn near everything.

i can't wait to move in. i get to the 23rd, or at least they said upperclassmen get to. since this is my third year, i guess this makes me an upperclassman. but just barely. i definitely need to get fucking moving in school and stop screwing around.

i've lost a few pounds. i am now motivated to keep with it.

today, a very attractive guy at abuelo's gave molly and i free food when we went to place a carry out order. it was quite nice.

i have sun poisoning on the inside of my arm. all i want to do is tan my legs and i can't do that, because my arms need to stay out of the sunlight until this is gone. it's a huge bummer.

i seriously need to get on a regular sleeping schedule. when classes start, i'm gonna be all screwed up.

i love the summer, but i can't wait for it to be over. in fact, i can't wait for the entire year to be over. i really want christmas to come and go as quick as it can, because this year has just been terrible for me.

nick is getting worse every day i think. it might be the end for him. i am very sad.

i love the black keys.

i need to quit drinking. for a while. i make terrible decisions while intoxicated. i need to quit it.

meghan and i are going to organize a party next summer for my mom and her best friend. they will be friends for 40 years next year. since kindergarden. that is insane. i can only hope for a friendship like that.

i'd like to visit chicago again before the weather gets cold. i highly doubt this will happen, but it's a nice thought.

i just bought 50 bucks worth of stuff off the internet. i need to stop spending. but, the dress i got sure is amazing. i keep telling myself i had to buy it for ashleigh and geoff's wedding. and i did, i don't have anything to wear. yeah, i have to justify my purchases to myself. i always feel terrible when i spend money i don't have.

talk show host might be my favorite radiohead song.

the dark knight in imax. it's happening.

i may have a small crush on someone, but i am not sure yet. you know when you think you might be attracted to someone, and then you spend time with that person, and you either definitely like them or you definitely don't? that is what this is. i haven't had too much time, so it's up in the air. but we'll see soon enough. i won't get my hopes up though. most things like this have not worked out in my favor.

i need to buy books, but i am so broke it's not even funny.

does anyone ever feel like taking a break from life? better question: what can i do to take a break from my entire life for a while? maybe just a few days. and also, does anyone want to buy me a wii for christmas?

i have to buy twin sheets for my bed in my dorm. i want to buy a whole set, and i want it to be the most ridiculous comforter set ever so my roommate thinks i am weird. she is already going to think that the first week we move in anyway. i just want spiderman sheets. that's all i want.

i am addicted to this game on pogo. sometimes, i will play it for a while and look down, and three hours will have passed and i didn't even know i was playing so long. i haven't played it for a while since i realized it can totally suck me in and make me waste valuable hours of my life that i could be using to do constructive things.

get me to the gulf coast beach... as soon as humanly possible.

i really want my hair to be curly. i need to call ben. i'm getting very bored with my hair. plus it wouldn't hurt to have a self esteem boost here soon.

james franco is a sexy man. extremely sexy. i can't even begin to say just how sexy he really is without being extremely turned on. no joke.

i miss a few people. way too much sometimes.

i am in dire need of a massage. my back and neck are in so much pain right now.

it's 4:48. i need to try to sleep, but i doubt it'll come.

I just have a feeling that just maybe... Something is going to be happening to me soon. I won't know it until it happens, and I really don't even know what this could mean, it's just this feeling I've got.

I really hope something does come my way. I can give no examples because it could be such a broad spectrum of things that could come in a lot of forms. All I know, is that it needs to be happening soon. I miss the feeling of being happy. Give me something, anything.

rant for the day

i really hate when people improperly use commas. especially excessively.

i'm going out to party. oh, and i still hate my life.

Trying to forget last year, and him, has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to try to do. I'm not doing so well, either. I'm no good at letting this go. I'm trying not to let it affect so much of my daily life, but when you've got depression and the love of your life is no longer with you, it's hard to keep the sadness at bay. It lingers over me. Every minute of every day I'm trying to focus on something else, to push it out of my head for a while. But there it continues to stay. It's fucking difficult to get over, I won't lie. I'm not going to sit and pretend like he wasn't the best thing that had ever happened to me, because honestly he was. It's hard to stomach that he isn't here, and not only that, he is with someone else. In September it'll be a year since we broke up. I can't believe it, it feels like it was only a few short months ago, which is kind of true. The last time I saw him was February. The last time we spoke was in April I think. In my mind, it's still fresh, and I can't even begin to imagine being with someone else. Everyone else just doesn't seem good enough. I compare everyone to everything that he was, and if I keep doing that, I'll never be happy with anyone. I just wish things didn't end up this way. I'm not even sure why. I guess it was just too much all at one time. The reason we broke up in the first place was nothing huge. A tiny little offense that snowballed at the worst possible time. We just never got the chance to have a normal relationship. It's what ultimately destroyed it. Love isn't enough. I loved him more than anyone ever will, and it still wasn't enough. I am thankful for that little time I did get to spend with him, because I'll tell you, there wasn't any other time I can think of in my life when I was happier than when I was with him. It could have been a wonderful relationship that could have ultimately turned out to be something permanent. We were just never given the chance to experience it, and that's such a sad thing. Neither of us are ever going to know just how amazing it could have been. If he ever decided that he wanted to find out, I'd gladly find out with him. As long as I still love him, I don't think I could ever be with anyone else, because it would only be second best. I don't want to live the rest of my life with second best. I want all or nothing. That's it. I doubt very much that our paths will cross again in the future, as much as I hope to God they do. If they don't, they don't. There isn't anything I can do about it. I may be very lonely, but at least I can say with honesty that I never sold myself short, and I experienced a kind of love that I now know lives on probably forever. I was completely his, always, the entire time. From beginning to end. I still would be, today. And I am very proud to say that I experienced that. It was beautiful, it was life changing, and I'll never forget it. I've got nothing but good things to say about him, and I'm not bitter about it anymore. I am very sad, and I do cry about it often, but I had it. And that, to me, is better than never at all. It's better than anything. The things that I do in my years to come, I'm sure, will be wonderful and thrilling and great, but I won't ever appreciate anything like I do him and what once was. I wish to someday tell him just how much he really means to me.

If you ever decide to be part of my life again, no matter the timing... In a year, in five years, I'll be here. I'll be waiting.

I just had the worst dream. I wish they would stop.

No one really knows just how miserable I really am on a day to day basis. I hide it well. Just know, that sometimes I want to jump off a fucking cliff.

Happy Birthday to me.

I guarantee that this birthday will be nowhere near as meaningful as my last one.

I sure do miss you, a lot. More than I can say.