I hate that I'm writing about this again, but it's like he follows me around like a ghost.

Everywhere I go, whatever I do, he is there. His voice is in my ears, his car is driving past me, he's calling. I am conscious of him the entire 24 hours of the day, even the hours when I'm asleep. I can't escape him. He's like some sort of permanent imprint on my life, this sad nagging feeling that won't ever go away; That desperate feeling of wanting to know something, anything, about him now. He is the first thought in my head, the last right before I sleep. He's there when I am with someone else. He's there when I'm walking to class, when I'm driving my car, when I do anything.

He's here now, and I wish he wasn't. He's all that is motivating me and holding me back all at the same time.

You think it gets easier when someone is gone? No, it doesn't get easier. It's been 18 months and I just miss him even more now. It gets so much harder. More time passes, the people you once knew and loved are moving on with their life, changing everything, discovering new things about themselves, doing unbelievable things, while you are left here to think about all of it, all you are missing. All of the distance there is today, and how much more distance will be there tomorrow. Every day is worse than the day before it. You never stop loving someone, not for one minute. You can cry, or laugh, or pretend you have moved on all you damn well please. You can date around, you can party, you can surround yourself with the most attractive people, best friends, and supportive family. You can meet new people every day, have relationships with them, live the best days of your youth just being carefree. But you will still never stop loving them. Not for a single second. And you will never stop wondering "what if?" That question will haunt you for the rest of your life. I guarantee it.