Life now just seems like one long, continuous, strange-feeling day. So many emotions hit me at once sometimes, that I'm unsure how to handle them all. I just feel strange anymore. It feels a lot like denial, but I'm aware of what is happening to me. I've lost a best friend, a man I still love, I almost got suspended, and the list continues on. I know all these things happened to me, but I am still in sort of a shock still. It's hard to describe. I guess I try to make myself feel anything but sadness, because once I feel that for the things I've lost or the things I've done, I think it will be too much for me to handle and it will surely overwhelm me. I just try to keep myself busy. I try to think about other things. My mind does wander back to those things I hold so dear to my heart, yet are the furthest things from it. I know I won't be getting them back. So why is it so easy for me to say, but so difficult to just accept and move on from it? Will I ever recover or will I still be missing pieces of me thirty years from now? These are things that I wonder about, and they make me very uneasy.

I did learn some lessons from this past year though. Valuable ones, might I add. But they were not free by any means. I wonder now if those lessons were even worth it.

It's very hard for me to believe the "everything happens for a reason" bit. I don't think that at all. I think, things happen because that's the path you chose, or someone else chose and it affected you. That you may never get over them or never stop wishing things were different. Maybe forever. It's been especially hard for me to have hope since it seems that everything I once had is now gone, possibly forever, and there isn't anything being put in it's place (even though nothing really can).

I don't know. Maybe I am destined to always be doing a double take at someone who I thought was him. Maybe I'm destined to never be forgiven for the things I have done. Maybe that right person slipped through my fingers, and no one else is really meant for me the way he was. Maybe I'll never truly be 100% happy in any relationship I have for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll always compare my friends to that one I lost. Maybe I'll always be in a beautiful place, staring out at the ocean, walking downtown in an amazing city, or just laughing at a great movie and wishing they were there to experience it with me.


I do know that I'll spend every day of my life from now on bettering myself, and trying to find some sort of peace from all of this. I want to start treating people with more respect. I want to be more polite and considerate with strangers, and even with people I know. I want to be more honest and open about everything. I want to continue my education as far as it will take me and do something great with my life. I want to help others in their time of need. I want to be more selfless. I want to do all of this.


Okay, so. An update on what will be happening in the next few months.

I'm moving out into the dorms this fall. I'm sending in my application and payments tomorrow. I'm very excited for this. I have a roommate already lined up, and we are getting a third and possibly fourth that we have never met, so I am hoping to make some new friends out of this. I'm going to pour the majority of my energy into school. Getting my grades up is my number one priority at this point. I'm going to start turning things around in my life, little by little. Second priority is finding some sort of part time job to start paying off my loans. I need to do this now so I'm not a million dollars in debt by the time I get out.

Also, I'm going to take some time for me. I don't think I ever really take any relaxing "me" time at all. So for the rest of the summer, I'm going to do just that. I'll take Ty for walks in various parks, get a good book or two to read and go out on a nice day and sit in the shade. I'll go see a movie by myself and exercise somewhere by myself. Try to find some inner peace for a while. I haven't had that in a long time. I do have another very realistic goal for myself, I believe. I'm going on a strict diet and exercise regimen to hopefully lose a certain amount of weight by December 25. Let's see if I can do it. That is in 5 months, almost exactly.

Even though I've got no hope for a lot of things, I have hope that I can make a few changes in my life. Hopefully they turn out for the better.