First entry.

"If we ever hope to reach our biggest goals, we have to start making some tough choices. We have to start giving ourselves permission to ignore one thing—or several things—for the sake of something more important. What can be more deserving of our time?

It’s difficult to accept this idea. We’ve grown up in a world not used to saying "no" or doing without. By now, we’re used to being pulled in 43 different directions. We’re uncomfortable with the idea that we may just have to let something slide. The trouble is, we get so caught up in trying to do everything that we retreat inside ourselves. We get tunnel vision on the next task and lose sight of other people and what’s important. In a pursuit of happiness, that’s a futile strategy.

Someone smarter than me once said, "You can have everything. You just can’t have everything right now!" To reach your goals and live the life you want, it takes priorities and patience—the ability to choose between two competing wishes, and the willingness to set one aside for now and wait."

I got this in an email today. Granted, it is talking about weight loss, but when I read it I couldn't help but apply it to other things in my life. For the rest of the year, I'm going to have to face things I wanted to keep locked up inside my head. Things I wish never happened at all, but now that they have, I've got no choice really to face them head on, deal with them, and move on from them. As much as I don't want to.

I'm in a weird place in my life. I thought I had things exactly where and how I wanted them. School, boyfriend, friends, career plans, apartment plans, everything. I had all of those figured out, and I had all of those in general. But now, I'm borederline failing college, single, I've ruined a few friendships, I've got no clue what I want to do when I graduate (or if I graduate), I've got no intentions of moving out except in the dorms, and I've been seriously thinking about joining the Navy. Things are crazy. I'll be the first to admit, 2008 hasn't been the best year for me. In fact, when compared to the other 19 years I've been alive, it's been the worst. Especially the first four or five months. They were the hardest for me. But, some days are better than others. I do have somewhat good days. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about what I'm going to do next, and especially, about him. Not one day.

I'm not sure if it's my depression or that I can't let things go so easily, but it's been so difficult trying to date other people. I'm not over my last breakup, at all. And I've had to tell a few prospects that. When they say it doesn't matter, it still doesn't get very far because the truth is, it matters to me. I just feel wrong with anyone else. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think that I will be with another person. It's a weird feeling. But I know I'll either be alone forever or try to find something else. I'm just not sure when it's going to happen. I'm almost 20, I know I've got some time. But. I miss him very much, and I still love him. I think I always will.

And something else very important. I've lost a best friend this year too. Probably one of the hardest things I had to deal with. I just hope she knows that it was never my intention to make her doubt my love for her, although what I did was wrong. I won't say much more about it, but I hope she knows she deserves everything good in life. I wish things could be as they were with us, although I know that won't happen. At least not now. But I still love her and care about her very much, and she is the reason I'm trying to better myself.

But, anyway. This has been such a downer post. Lets talk about some good things that have been happening to me lately.

Bonnaroo. My second one. Felt a little strange not being there with him but, Molly, Lindsey, and Lindsey's friend Bri went with me. We had fun. I took lots of pictures. Saw lots of bands. It was a good year. And I'm going next year, too.

Mammoth Cave. Went with my parents and their friend Dave over the 4th of July weekend. I took some cave tours, hiked about 10 miles, and just got to be away from everything. I didn't realize I loved being out in nature so much until this camping trip. It was so nice. I love God's country. Oh, and my tour guide was awesome. He was cute, and he had a southern accent. I found him online and I'm waiting for a reply back. Hopefully I get it.

School. I haven't failed yet! I'm still barely getting by. I missed so much school this past semester because I was sad that I'm barely still allowed to be there. But, I met with my advisor and then the Assistant Dean and asked them both about ways I could deal with my depression. I'm going to be starting free counseling services at Northern. I think it might be a really good way to help get me in the right direction, honestly. If it's not for me, then it's not for me, but I'm going to try it.

Cursive. They played a 21+ show April 9, and it was amazing. I snuck in, saw them play, and when they were done, Tim Kasher came off stage and talked to everyone. Alan tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he'd give me a hug, and he replied with "Oh, absolutely!" and hugged me. Then he talked to us for a minute or so, shook my hand and mingled with everyone else. I know it sounds ridiculous and super girly of me, but I loved that moment. It was such a good moment. So many terrible things had been happening to me, and when he hugged me, I focused only on him and what was happening. My mind didn't wander to anything else. And that's important for me to know. That I am capable of finding some sort of happiness and not thinking about things I can't control. So thanks Tim, you've given me some hope for my future.

Shows, obviously. So far this year, I've seen (at separate shows or at Bonnaroo): Cursive, Minus The Bear (twice), The Weakerthans, Portugal The Man, Modest Mouse, Superdrag, Vampire Weekend, The Avett Brothers (and I'm about to see them again in Somerset!), Broken Social Scene, Death Cab For Cutie, Ben Folds, My Morning Jacket, Jack Johnson, M.I.A, Kanye West (who was terrible by the way), The Raconteurs, Rilo Kiley, Sigur Ros, and probably more, I know I'm leaving some out. It's been the best year for music, and it's not even over yet. It really makes things not so bad when I get to see so many good bands.

Things will look up. I am hoping. It's hard to be so optimistic when you've got tunnel vision but, I try my hardest. I'm going to start improving my life any which way I can and try so hard to let go of the things I can't control. It's not going to be easy. I turn 20 soon. I'll leave my teenage years behind me in the past where they belong. Hopefully I'll be in a better place soon. It's all I can hope for.