I've been feeling okay the last month or so. For no one particular reason really, maybe a culmination of little reasons. Some days aren't so great, but some days are deemed "good", at least by my standard of good.

But some days, I'm miserable. I truly try to forget all the time, and some days I even succeed not thinking about it once. But once I'm reminded, I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. They stay there, sometimes for a really long time. And although it may seem like I'm happy or at least fine, inside I'm falling apart. And it's my own fault, I don't like talking about him, don't like when people bring him up, don't like when I have to think about anything even remotely related to something about him. I actually hate it. So I avoid it, I hardly ever talk about it, and there it lingers in the back of my head. Sometimes it makes my heart feel like it weighs a thousand pounds. It really hurts. I'm thinking I could talk to someone about this, but I don't know how much good it will do.

Of course I'm willing to move on, especially with new prospects on the horizon. Actually, I never want to get my hopes up about these kinds of things, especially in this fragile state.

I think I can't move on because I'm alone, and I know he isn't. I'm unhappy and I know he probably isn't. He left me in the shittiest way possible, and I don't feel like I got the proper closure I wanted. Maybe I wasn't ready to close that chapter of my life.

I just can't explain the despair I feel when these thoughts cross my mind. It's like it never even happened sometimes, and then other times it's like it happened yesterday. Sometimes I forget entirely.

I did however have a wonderful time with someone else recently. The first person whom I actually felt a closeness with in almost a year, and it was really nice. It was nice to know that there is someone else out there with things to offer, and I just have to be willing to accept it. Can I say that this particular person is the one? No, I can't. To be honest I doubt that it will even continue on past a friendship. Sure, I like him. But, it's totally fine. I'm going into things not expecting too much. That way, if nothing comes of it I won't be too disappointed, and if something does, it'll be a wonderful surprise. For now, I'm serious about just laying low in the whole relationship department. If it happens, that's great. But am I going to actively pursue something at the moment? Probably not. I know if love wants to find me again, it will. It's done it before, and I'm sure it will do it again. But I just think it's too soon for love at the moment. I know I won't ever pass up an opportunity at it, but I will know it when I see it. I'm going to be very careful in my decisions.

If I've weathered the worst part of the storm so far, I know I can get through the rest. It's always going to get worse before it gets better. I'm not sure if I'm still stuck in the "worse" part, but if I am, I have nothing to look forward to but the better.