Why do some people wish they were older? Like if you're 17 you cannot wait until 18. If you're 20 you can't wait to get to 21. And when you are 25 you're just counting the days until you're 30. Why does everyone want to be older? Being young is a joy. I wish I could go back instead of forward sometimes. I'd love to re-live my childhood with the knowledge I have now. I'd definitely change a lot of things. Or just simply enjoy being ten years old again, when nothing in the world really mattered and my heart was fully in-tact. I'd just like to see what if, you know? What if I would have went to that party, or got that person's number, or went on that vacation, or saw that movie on that Tuesday night I wasn't doing anything. Things could have been completely different. I'm not saying I'm not happy with my current life and the way things are happening and the people I know and love. Most of the people and parts of my life are good ones, and I'm happy for them. But everyone has their pain. Everyone has that someone they will never forget, as much as they want to.

I guess the time passing and getting older just makes me sad. It doesn't seem like it now, but one day I'll wake up and I'm not going to be 20 anymore, I'll be 40. 50. even 60. I sometimes feel like I'm wasting my youth just trying to find the missing pieces of myself. But most of all, every day that passes, everyone I meet, every little thing I do just fills the space between Johnny and I. With every little thing I do, even typing this, creates more distance. Soon enough, I'll hardly remember him, but with a few saved mementos from our relationship and a few pictures. I've already forgotten how it feels to kiss him, and I can't hear his laughter in my head anymore.

This does give me opportunity to find someone new, and to fall in love again. And I'm sure it will happen someday. But I am just afraid that I won't be able to give my whole heart to someone else. I think Johnny will always have part of it, until the day I die. I'm afraid I'll never accept a marriage proposal someday because I know I could never marry someone when I've got even a tiny little ounce of longing for someone else, even if I haven't seen him in a very long time. I know all of my friends are sick and fucking tired of hearing about this, and I'll be honest, I'm sick and tired of talking about how heartbroken I am. I truly am. I'm sick and tired of looking over my shoulder in public places. Sick and tired of making decisions with him in the back of my mind. And I'm really sick and tired of how much it's still bothering me a year later.